Applications going out!

Aloha - I applied or rather, reapplied to the International Medical Corps tonight. Although I leave for Fiji for three weeks on January 12 I made myself available to IMC by March 1. I will follow up with a phone call tomorrow.

The weather in Sebastopol, California is cold, wet and dreary . . . a bit tiring to be sure. Tomorrow I plan to drive up the the coast and stay at my family place to do some mountain biking - either that or begin getting my things together for my trip to Fiji. I won't take many clothes but do have to take a number of gifts.

I don't know what to expect except that it is wise not to expect anything. Talked with an old friend last night who was recently in Samoa for the first time in years. Most of the people she knew are gone but out of the ones left, many are alcoholics or have serious problems. I know the type and as Judy said to me, many people who come to the South Pacific are running away from something or trying to find something they will never find. I saw that in Fiji, Cook Islands, Papua New Guinea and so forth. There is some of that in me.

Finally though, I am going to do something against Bush, against the wanton specter of madness and destruction that Americans are pursuing under his leadership. No, I am not so hellishly innocent that I think this will change under a new administration but it is my hope that we will be doing less harm. Nor do I proclaim my innocence in the scheme of things.

Thanks for reading.

David

Leaving for Fiji January 12, 2008

Bula Vinaka,

I am leaving for Fiji on a medical mission for three weeks from January 12 to February 4, 2008. It has been eleven years since I have been in Fiji. The last time I left the United States was in 2003 when I was on a medical trip to Mexico . . . which I absolutely loved. In the future I am not sure that I can stay away from being overseas for so long. Many say we are lucky to live here and in some ways I can understand and in some ways agree. Yet I look at how much we consume in America - as living proof I am going to take my ipod and my computer so I can blog, check email, post photos of my trip and so on and so forth. Mainly for me I think as I am not sure how many people I know will care enough to read my ramblings.

Work at Sutter continues to be problematic in the sense that Corporate either does not know or refuses to tell our hospital if it will stay open or not. So the employees and community live in a constant state of uncertainty and hence concern about if they will continue to be able to pay their mortgage or rent and if medical care will be available for the community (in a timely manner!).

Late here and I work tomorrow for another 13 hour shift. Thanks for reading.

David

Updates

I finally cleared up the domain mix up but got no help from blogger staff at all even after three emails vis a vis their payment systems. I searched for a long time for a direct link to send an email directly to them and never found one. Frustrating to say the least. I finally just went through the process again and it obviously worked.

I continue to make loans on www.kiva.org and repayments continue to roll back in so far. I have about six loans out now and all for various small amounts from $25 - $100. I leave for Fiji on a medical mission with wwww.lolomafoundation.org January 12 - February 4 and hope to see if their are any projects/groups in Fiji that Kiva can become involved with.

My frustration with hospital nursing continues so I am am going to start a slow search for medical work that can combine my medical experience with my Masters in Community Psychology. Ideally I would like to live here (in the United States) part time and spend the rest of my time working overseas. I am thinking about the Gates Foundation Malarial program and things like that.

I think of my friends in Iceland (who work with the State Department), my friends in Australia, Fiji, Germany and so forth. I miss them all.

Thanks for reading . . . .

David

Domain name Changes

Aloha - I am trying to change my URL to davidmichaelmccullough.net but had some expired card problems with my billing. Hence I am stuck in limbo at the moment and cannot access my blog to read it. I am waiting for the staff at Blogger to email me a fix!

Taking action

So it is not Burma/Myanmar I know. I joined up with www.lolomafoundation.org and am going to Fiji to do volunteer medical work January 12 - 27, 2008. My overall goal is to make this type of work my main job and not have to simply stay in one place in Santa Rosa, California at Sutter Hospital taking care of alcoholics and drug addicted people. Detect a note of burned out cynicism - well there you have it.

I do know some people that will go to a border rufugee camp in June of 2009. I plan on going.

If I can do this type of work - just maybe I won't go insane!

Check out the loloma foundation.

Mahalo and Vinaka . . . .

David

Conscience

I wrote the following in response to an email from someone urging me to sign a petition online for Moveon.org about the crisis in Myanmar.

My reservations regarding the lack of response (in Myanmar, Iraq, Somalia, Bosnia, Vietnam, Turkey, Cambodia, Chile, you name the country and century) by the rest of world lies in my own sense of frustration and anger, but especially my OWN inaction and perceived lack of power (or inability) to truly 'make a difference'.

It is all VERY easy to sign petitions, wave signs, be offended and yes, even shed a few tears. It is easy to rage (as I often do), to shout in frustration, to join campaigns . . . but yet as Shakespeare put it . . . 'full of sound and fury, yet signifying nothing'. We (not just you and I), all of us, salve or attempt to salve our conscience by outward signs and displays of caring and indignation.

It is VERY easy to placard the back of one's car with the signs and exhortations of an outraged majority lulled into somnolence by their satiated lifestyles. To delve (and delve deeply) into those issues seems to be too difficult, too time consuming, too hard to accomplish while I am sucking down another latte while I write this.

The simple fact is however that most of the people (me) continue to live their wasteful lives, unencumbered by any discomfort of any kind in the richest nation in the world. They don't suffer for the most part except for the supposed pangs of their conscience while they complain loudly about the state of 'state'.

What shames me the most? I am one of them at this point. Maybe I always have been. So I get angry, at myself, at America, at the supposed liberals who have no challenges in their lives except to worry how much retirement they have built up. It is easy to be liberal when you are not hungry, not thirsty, have shelter and health care.

No, I don't think people have to suffer to learn humility, to assist others (but it sure might make the world a better place and provide much needed perspective). It would help if people gave things up, if they would donate significant amounts of money, if they would simply volunteer time in their community or especially abroad.

We live such insanely comfortable lives and I am so uncomfortable in this.

People give up part of their lives to provide aide and comfort to others. Why don't more of us do so? We should. Or rather . . . I should.

Am I saying we should not be outraged? No. Should we not rant and rave? No. Should we not plaster our cars and hearts with placards protesting the injustices of the world? No. Should we sign petitions? Yes. Contribute, sign, talk, study.

Most of all though we should take action. We should get out of our comfortable lives. We should give up some things. We should travel and live outside of America, outside of wherever, outside our zone of comfort. We should shut up and do, stop talking about outrage but DO something outrageous about outrage. We should stop indulging ourselves in flapping our gums about those "poor people in XXXX country" when we are not prepared to really do anything except sign a petition in 30 seconds (I just signed it myself . . . but do I feel better?).

I know that for you (and maybe others) I am preaching to the choir. But in the end (whatever that may mean) it will only matter if you or I or anyone takes concrete action. Nothing else matters, especially these words that I write, here and now.

If you have even read this far . . . my thanks.

Talking with Governor Schwarzenegger and . . .

I wrote Governor Schwarzenegger and his staff this morning . . . .

It was front page on the New York Times today that California Governor Schwarzenegger is proposing health care reform. Most of us in the business are cynical about the prospects of serious or 'true' reform until the rich start to suffer and die from a deteriorating health care system. Money helps to insulate you from suffering - at least for most people and for awhile. I am not rich but consider myself insulated only because I am a nurse and have health care (only when working).

However this front page news coincided so well that the hospital I work with announced that after 130 years it is closing down by the end of the year. It contracts with the county so that at least 25% of it's business goes to serve the indigent (those poor enough to need the help of others). Of course the hospital loses money and reimbursement is too low to help.

I faxed the governor's office suggesting they somehow capitalize on my communities bad news to drum up support in the legislature to pass health care reform. Doing away with the insurance companies would be a good start, sack them all, cut their pay and let them work with the indigent for awhile to learn and empathize.

Do I expect an answer? No. Do I expect real reform? No. Do I expect to suffer? No. Will others suffer and die from this hospital closing and our inability to act . . . hell yes. I don't know what else to do other than write and offer my help. Write me if you hear of anything good. Till then I am throwing my support toward this plan and against the insurance companies.

Thanks for reading,

David

Dying Days of Rage

I will rage against my dying day,
till the day I can rage no more.
Tis the day I will die I think . . .
the day that rage will live no more.

It is youth that does not know the anguish of growing old
when bones and flesh weaken your resolve.
It only thinks of youthful pleasures,
with no cares for tomorrow.

I hope to accept my death so gracefully,
to welcome it with a lovers embrace, no less.
The pain of unrequited anguish and loss,
will hold no sway nor dominion over me.

It is compassion that will triumph (that is my hope),
I shall save the rage for when it is needed most.
Tis the least of burden's borne,
but when embraced too much . . .
is the heaviest upon one's heart.

David McCullough

Copyright January 7, 2007

I wrote the above late last night or in the wee hours of the morning . . . call it what you may. Many of my patients are older and dealing with the issues of failing bodies and a life that is shorter than longer. So this came to me, as poems often do, seemingly out of nowhere. However, I know that is not true. I am enraged myself at the injustices we all face, not only of growing older but so much else I have written about in the past. I am torn, struggling to accept what cannot be changed versus all the things that should be changed. The old adage of change beginning with yourself is an apt one in this instance. I won't say more here about that in this moment. I get frustrated with myself so much! Lots of talk, no action . . . and I despise that in myself. So many of us know what is right, all the 'shoulds'. I will take action, in some way, somehow, not only for myself but in hope of benefiting others at the same time.

Thanks for reading, be it even one.

David

Israeli Cluster Bombs, Thanks to the United States

I am proud to be an American because we make the most sophisticated weapons in the world and use them to spread Peace, Freedom and Democracy around the world. I am especially proud that we sold them to Israel for use in Lebanon because it is obvious to me how useful they are for densely populated urban areas. If you kill the children who don't recognize bomblets and use them as toys, then you kill off future enemies. Brilliant logic.

To think that my dream as a youth was to live on a Kibbutz for a few years. I am not even Jewish but I read a biography of Golda Meier as a child and greatly admired her and the story of the Jewish State. I suuport thier right to exist as a Nation but I also support the Palestinian right to a nation. I do not support the Israeli invasion of Lebanon.

What prompts this post? The New York Times article a few days ago that mentioned the cluster bombs and todays news that the United States in investigaing the alleged 'improper' use of the cluster munitions. What a joke, what a huge, giant joke on Israel and the United States. What the hell will the Israeli's do? Take care of the families they have killed? Provide medical care and plastic surgery? Actually APOLOGIZE for turning into terrorist themselves? Who will investigate the investigators? Who will watch the watchers? Most of all, who will protect the innocents?

Before I am assasinated by supporters of Israel let me rush to say that I know and empathize of many dissenters witin the ranks of the army and the civilian population. To the rest of Israel please look into the mirror to see what you are doing and have become. Please resist the influence of the United States although I recognize the close ties and financial support we provide. But who the hell are we to tell Israel what to do? I guess we do it to everyone else on the planet so why not Israel yes?

Why don't we stop making cluster munitions . . . but for a society based on profit and capitalism that would be anathema. Nothing like spreading Peace, Freedom and Democracy around the planet is there people. I am ashamed to be an American, ashamed of Israel, ashamed of Hezbollah (what idiots to kidnap two soldiers . . . an act without honor, meaning or utility!). Time to fire and retire the genius who ordered that peculiar debacle. For that Israel bombs Lebanon to the tune of three billion dollars of damage. Of course the United States will not lift a hand to assist - I'll bet on that.

Hey, anyone think this may interfere with my chances of being hired by the Department of State? Ha. So if you read this far thank you. I feel useless because all I can do is write and work and speak out. Would it be more useful to go over and work as a nurse? I don't know. Maybe someone in the world has a suggestion, an idea, some faint bit of hope they can offer not only to me but to the people who are suffering.

Thank you for reading.

David

A Measure of Humility . . . .

The last anonymous comment referenced feeling guilty for wanting. So let me correct and clarify that what I meant to say was that I had not been found lacking in humanity. Then I will quickly correct my statement to be more accurate and admit that many times I have acted in a prejudicial manner unbecoming the ideals I strive for. I'll continue to fail of course but my successes will hopefully outweigh my failures. It all depends on who judges, who bears the final responsibility for looking into our souls. So I hope this communicates my original intent. It sure sounded good when I read it at first and then to obviously fail so badly! Ha, THAT brings a measure of humility at least does it not?

I will admit to great wants. I see nothing wrong with that - we are human and as such are are subject to biologically determinants. We want safety, companionship, sex, food, things and so forth. I want so much at times yet when we lead a well examined life - what real needs exist? Most of mine are filled. Yet I still want, sometimes unreasonably at that. In retrospect my last post seems a bit trite and seemingly attempts to elevate myself above others by saying I have not been found wanting. Yet by saying that, I disprove myself. Ah, the luxury of words!

With that I will conclude for my next rant and rave about our poor excuse for a government.

Thanks for reading.

David

Trying to find meaning . . . .

. . . is a difficult task when our own lives are sometimes lived in such narrow pursuit of individual goals. For me it means to work three days a week in Pediatrics (which I love) and to pursue my goal of becoming a nurse practitioner through University of California at Davis Medical Center in Sacramento. Toward that goal I also have to work two days a week with a Doctor and attempt to keep up with the associated homework and reading endemic to the program.

Meanwhile, many people do not have clean drinking water or enough food. They subsist on less than two dollars a day (I often spend that much on coffee in a day) and millions are dying from AIDS and neglect of the so called 'first world' countries like the one I live in (the disUnited States).

Guess I will just have to leave much of the year and work in places that don't have the help they need. I am sick of supporting killing with my tax dollars paying for weapons in Iraq and to give to the Israeli's to kill innocents in Lebanon. Do I think Iran should not do the same? Hell yes.

So I sit here in forced solitude in a library at an institute of higher learning at last and at least learning solid, reputable and useful skills that will truly benefit people. I choose to do so regardless of religion, race, ethncity or anything that confounds the freedom of someone in need. I have my prejudices people, let us just see if I alone can overcome them in my darkest hours when systems and the laws of man are utterly failing. Only then can the true measure of a man or woman be taken. I pray that I will not be found wanting. As of yet, I have not.

Updates, Bohemian Grove, U.C. Davis Nurse Practitioner Program

Somewhat hard to believe on one hand that I have not posted anything since April. Then again, given changes in my life, not hard to believe at all. I resigned from Palliative Care after working there for one year. Great work and even greater staff but I am happy to have had the experience and think that I may eventually come back to it. My hardest night? I lost five patients in five days, one each day. The sixth night while driving home I hit a Racoon and killed it. As I dragged it off the road I finally broke down and cried for awhile. Guess I could only take so much.

For the past two months I am now a Pediatric Nurse and am so at home and happy it is hard to believe. I love my work and my coworkers. It is a bit disconcerting to be the only male but my coworkers are wonderful people, fun to work with and oh so very competent. They are great teachers and I do my best to be a great learner.

In addition to that change I also began the Nurse Practitioner program at U.C. Davis Medical Center in Sacramento. A distance learning program, I only have to be in Sacramento once a month for a few days at a time. The pressure is for self-discipline in studying, reading, being online by yourself with no weekly/regular class time to reinforce learning. The FNP program is incredibly concentrated, professional and life changing. I feel at home and can only hope I will survive - I usually do - but this program is a tough but very supportive apprentice model program. I begin working with my preceptor in September at least two days a week.

Schedule wise it will be hellish. This last week I was in Sacramento for four days, worked for 5 days straight, one day off, pediatrics one day and at present am working as a an RN at the Bohemian Grove. Sunday I leave for Sacramento where I have the FNP program from Monday (our first midterm for 30% of the grade) till Wednesday upon which I return and work for five days straight. Ow!

The Bohemian Grove . . . not like what you read on the net it is a different world. Overgrown boys many of them but underneath the surface are often very sharp people. To meet them is to confront your prejudices about what people are like . . . not so easy to hate (or love) when you begin to actually meet people and share food and drink with them. It is like a large boys camp with lots of alcohol. People either get it about being here or don't. You don't get it if you try to make contacts and become a power whore. You do get it if you reserve initial judgement, strive for acceptance (while remaining aware of people's foibles and follies!) and do not try to suck up to people. After all as I say in medicine, we all bleed and suffer pain. At that level . . . we are all equal. I have my reservations and critical thoughts about being here but I will admit to having fun with the fire and medical staff, loving the food and getting an education from the lectures and talking to the so-called 'Bohemians'. My Great Aunt Winonoa Tomonoczy was a TRUE Bohemian and I will argue these guys unto death and destruction that this is so and they are simply and only pale imitations of what it meant to be a Bohemian, wild, fearless, daring, truthful and full of life (and sometimes of yourself!).

With that, Adieu.

Civil Disobedience Next?

With so much frustration evident in many of my post and my anger at the course of this administration and hence this country . . . I find myself wanting to take some kind of action instead of my constant whinging about. I can complain all I want and I do as you, dear reader, have no doubt surmised.

In the end though, what type of civil disobedience is effective? Effective in the sense of affecting change and not just fulfilling my selfish desire to whinge more publicly. This is about my own sense of disaffectation to be sure but I do know that people are suffering and dying because of American actions at home and abroad.

Is civil disobedience any more effective or efficent at being a 'change agent' (gotta love that BS talk!) than writing?

I remember the example of the folks from Plowshares that snuck onto a U.S. Navy submarine base and started bashing the subs and I think managed to pour blood on them? Actually I am fairly sure I am compacting multiple episodes - I'll research it and figure that one out.

I received the post from my unknown Fijian friend who responded to my last post. Vinaka Ratu! I will be reading your blog soon. Ring me dua na siga if you come to Sebastapol or Santa Rosa. Levu na kai Viti eke! Gunu yaqona?

News on my job front - I am transferring out of Palliative Care and in a few weeks will become a Pediatric Nurse. I am very exicited about the move and all the learning I have ahead of me. I'm good with the kids but really have to develop my technical skills.

More later gang, all the best to all of you.

David

Do see this Film! Fiji still calls my heart . . . .

I finally got to see Reel Paradise tonight on this rainy and cold Northern California coast. We are all so sick of the rain yet once this film began it took me away and back to some of the best years of my life (and I have had so many and will have more!). It immediately had me howling with laughter, crying with homesickness and angry at the injustices faced by both the Fijian and the kaivulagi's who dared to run a movie theater in Fiji for free. I applaud that kind of courage, strength, insanity and bravado . . . in short, my kind of people. I even sent them an email, a crazy thing to do here in America, to people who you may never meet but I don't care. After a shared Fiji experience they will (I hope) understand my crazy offer to put them up in my house no matter what or when or where. They will understand because after Fiji, that is just the way it is (and should be).

Wow! Listen to me go on.

But here it is folks - do you dare to dream? Have you lived your life to the fullest and taken risk that you ache to do in your heart of hearts? Can you look at your life without major regrets or after examining your life regret that you did not live it the way you wished? Did you do something that matter? That you care about?

That is what Fiji was to me as a Peace Corps volunteer. I will never have to wonder about those questions when I am 90 years old. I'll know that I did something with great meaning, that mattered (at least to me and some Fijian friends). I could only hope that others can do the same.

After viewing this film I believe that the Pierson family had such an experience but what is more I believe that if you watch this film it will encourage you to pursue a dream or 'wild idea' that you have always wanted.

To me, this is what movie making is all about, educating, entertaining, showing people the differences in the world and making us wonder about what life is, is not, could be, what was and what will be. I may wax too poetic but however I may babble on . . .

See this movie!

It will touch you if you have an open heart. I'd work for this crazy man anytime to make films that matter.

Hoping you can live that life you need and want . . . .

David

Journal of the Mental Environment

Aloha - having just received my latest issue of Adbusters I wanted to be sure to mention it here. Always a challenge to read, to some of my sacred cow beliefs, I strongly believe, enjoy and love this magazine, the people behind it but especially the ideas that so beautifully, violently, gently and energetically burst into bloom on its beautiful pages.

Do check it out people! I think that most conservatives could not challenge themselves to read this but most people could and should. I take my own advice, I read some conservative rags and scarily enough, sometimes I like a few ideas here and there if they were tweaked - don't ask which ones . . . I have no idea.

At any rate, it is late now and I have my Pediatric Advanced Life Support class all day tomorrow!

One last thing, saw a bumper sticker the other day that said . . .

Frodo lost, Bush has the One Ring

Malama pono.

Keep em in, keep em out, what immigrants!?

My girlfriend’s daughter attended one of the many rallies held across America this last week regarding the various issue around immigration and the Bills addressing it.  She was concerned that we would be angry at her for missing some classes at High School.  My reaction was somewhat bemused – she did not know whether it was a Congressional Bill or a State Bill and mentioned Governor Schwarzenegger.  To her credit, she had gone online the night before and done some research so there may be some hope.  I am proud of her having a conscience at the age of 15 (almost 16) as I think back to myself at that edge I shudder in realizing I don’t remember having a conscience.  I was 15 in 1975, definitely against the Vietnam War and was/felt betrayed by President Nixon and his cohorts for that war and Watergate.  However, I was also the son of an Air Force pilot with the rank of Lieutenant Colonel (who retired in 1973) and was raised somewhat conservatively.

As an aside, I met Henry Kissinger the summer of 2005.  It was not a personal meeting but there he was face to face with a few people and for a few hours.  He could be nice enough if he wished but appeared taciturn and none too friendly.  I heard through very reliable channels that he tends to treat his staff fairly badly (except for the pay I can only imagine).  Imagine treating the people who are tasked with protection badly!  That makes me laugh, foolish boy.  It was a very weird experience to meet the man who consorted with the traitorous Nixon in lying to the world about Cambodia and who was linked to the right wing military coup in Chile and everything else on the historical record.  He won’t travel to a lot of countries because he is afraid of being arrested for war crimes.

I digress though.  I told her that we were not angry but from now on to speak with us first before just unilaterally deciding to attend a protest.  I also told her that I was proud she had a conscience and that she was willing to accept whatever consequences may exist regarding her not attending (or ‘cutting’) classes.

This was a tremendous opportunity, opening the door for a discussion about what immigration is and to examine our own attitudes toward immigrants and people different from ourselves.  I admit great ignorance about the different immigration bills but let me state that like it or not, immigrants are here to stay, legal or illegally.  Many Americans are descended from immigrants.  How they enter the country and what benefits they receive should be up for debate but not their right to stay, live, eventually vote and receive the benefits of health care.  Many contribute so much to this country and they should benefit if they are participatory members of this society.

I passionately reject the racist radical Minutemen who take it upon themselves to patrol the border and assist the border patrol.  At the same time, I would strengthen the Border Patrol significantly with more personnel, equipment, training and an eye toward safety.  I embrace a workers program (similar to the ‘Bracero’ [?] program during the 1940’s – 60’s).  Let’s face it people, if all the workers were deported we would have a labor shortage on our hand quickly and all those strawberries, fruit and lettuce we eat would be in short supply.  It is very true that immigrants work in jobs that most Americans would not take . . . I would not work in the fields for 10 hours exposed to pesticides, sometimes abusive bosses and live in miserable conditions.  

This touches upon much larger issues.  Americans have one of the highest living standards in the world that has long been known to be unsustainable.  Another issue is that the world population is skyrocketing and there are (and will be) too many people on the planet so resources will become increasingly strained and scarcer.  We can only compensate so much with technology (and for the Americans that is our greatest weakness – unbending faith in technology).  No wonder the poor Norte Americanos feel so threatened.  Pigs at the trough want everything they can get.

Nothing like ending on a happy note!

Veronica are you still out there . . . .

Nigerian "Friends" say, "Everything is all Right!" and my Proposals for America

I don't know who they are and who is the funding behind them but this group ran a full page ad in todays New York Times with the overall message that everything is all right in Nigeria. That is almost as funny as me saying that everything is all right in America, no problem, don't worry, be happy. Stick your head in the sand people and pretty soon you cannot breath.

The April 3 Edition of Newsweek has a very informative article on Africa and some of the challenges the countries face. I want to send all of us Americans there for a month each. Yeah brother, maybe change would happen.

My Proposals for America
My proposal, as the want-to-be leader of America, is that each American child in High-School automatically spend one year abroad living with a family in another country. It would NOT be a European country with a high standard of living. The host family would send their child - an exchange program - but mandatory. It would be fun to send all the Southerners straight into the Blackest parts of the human world . . . Africa, the South Pacific, South America. White with Blacks, Blacks with whites - you get the idea and you must spend a year abroad to graduate.

My next proposal is that each family in America only be allowed to own a maximum of two cars per household. I predict the automobile companies would assasinate me as soon as possible. There goes the economy stupid! Nonetheless, we must move away from automobiles and an oil-based economy. It is too late, but what the hell! In the long run though, perhaps it is better to encourage mass consumption even more as as to enhance, encourage and facilitate the seeds of our destruction - not only of our economy but the ecosystem?

Another proposal is universal health care for everyone living in America. Smoking would be outlawed and the tobacco companies shut down and thier leaders locked up and forced to work in the oncology wards with smokers as thier only patients. People who smoke, drink to excess and otherwise abuse themselves would be penalized (how I have no idea). We already have universal health care - it is called the Emergency Room (and people wonder why it is so expensive?!).

It is two a.m. here in Northern California and I have mouthed off less intelligently than I have planned - as usual. Still, my timing on Nigeria was not bad this time. My proposals for America are partly driven by my unending ability to rant and rave ad nauseum about the State of America and our leaders. All too easy to do and remain a hypocrit as one of my only readers pointed out. So I thought it would be good to put some of my extremist views out on the chopping block - views better suited to be enacted by a dictator perhaps, but my proposals still. A dictator because the American people would never give into them - they prize their individual freedom to such a great extent they cannot see it is taking this country to a place of no retreat, hope or redemption.

I may have some interesting ideas but at least I won't bankrupt America and turn it into a police state with a populace convinced they are under siege and living in a constant state of fear, mistrust and hatred of the 'outsider'.

Thanks for reading and remember to ask yourself this . . . .

what the hell are YOU doing for your world, neighbor and fellow human being?

I like to THINK I do good but sometimes it may be as simple as helping people that don't want help. In the final analysis, I am just as irrlevant (I absolutely LOVE that word) as the next person.

Charles Taylor and the Corruption of Nigeria

While driving home from the hospital tonight I heard that Charles Taylor has escaped his posh seaside villa in the vacation wonderland of Nigeria. I remembered back to my wonderful but naive days at UCLA where I had a great Professor - Richard Sklar, whom I admired very much and was a good influence on me (teaching me to see past the surface to what leaders do and not what they are saying). I had high hopes for Nigeria at some point. Now it seems that the whole country is a magnet for corruption of the highest order - government ministers stealing millions with no worry at all of being caught. I know the local people are suffering tremendously while most of the leaders at the state and National level are criminals, liars, thieves and braggards.

Yes, I know I am not from Nigeria but so what? I am from the United States where we simply hide and institutionalize our own corruption on a massive scale. I am not saying we are better than Nigeria.

What set my diatribe off is the sheer brazen audacity of Nigeria colluding with Charles Taylor and he escapes so easily. The man is a butchering pig who is guilty of warcrimes. He must be stopped and brought to justice by his own people. The trouble is that most of Nigeria is so corrupt there will be nothing done by them.

The definition of corruption? It is an action taken with the full knowledge that it is wrong and should not be done. But money talks and BS walks as we so eloquently state in America and that is what happened in Nigeria.

A good thing about Nigeria? Sure, the New York Times had a great article on the Guinea worm in Africa. Nigeria is a leader in this respect and is making great strides against this age-old pest. So of course the Nigerian people are not all guilty or bad. The corruption is so entrenched that nothing will get done at any level of the goverment without bribes and gifts to lubricate the way.

I have no constructive idea to offer, only criticism. I will propose this - that the United States stay the hell out of other countries except in instances like this. We should bring the entire intelligence agency (NSA, CIA, NRO, you name your favorite) apparatus to bear on war criminals like Mr. Taylor and that scum - Radovan Karajic (another pig). We should send in Delta, Rangers, whatever task force de jour of the day is and take them and thier lieutenants before the Hague to be tried for war crimes. Sure ain't legal people but I am angry enought to propose this right now. Guilty of cultural imperialism? Damn Straight - at least this time.

Thanks for reading and I hope those idiots in Serbia and Nigeria read this. They way they operate though - I could be a dead man, but I flatter myself methinks.

President Bush is a Laughingstock

Not only is Bush a LIAR of unprecedented proportions along with his bedmate Rumsfeld and Wolfie, he is a joke of man to boot. He is talking out of his rear end only, using doublespeak. While things are getting worse and going to hell in Iraq, he is trying to convince the American people that things are actually, really, really, really getting better! It really is 1994 all over again - thank you George Orwell.

So the lies keep coming and coming, the administration building their case for war and continued interference in another State's affairs by accumulation of detail and weaving it into a tapestry of lies, deception and deceipt. When will the American people stop bending over for Bush?

Rumsfeld, Cheney and Bush are men without honor, empathy, a conscious or sympathy except for thier own selfish, traitorous and dangerous agenda. They are destroying America, lock them up, try and execute them.

Billions for Killing, not much for healing, that's our Bushyboy!

This is an old complaint of mine but really now . . . Bush claims patriotism but Forty-six million people have no health insurance (I seem them come into my Emergency Department all the time), Bushy cuts benefits to our veterans and many of our troops (when not dying for Bush's war that he has thrust upon us) are on welfare and food stamps.

Bush is not patriotic, he is shirking his duty and is a dishonorable idiot. History will make mince meat out of this loser. Put me in the White House . . . it may not be easy but I could do a better job than 'the man'!

Christmas 2005

Aloha, Mele Kelikimaka, Season's Greetings and so forth,

I don't consider myself to be a 'christian' per se although I have largely grown up in a culture that is permeated through and through by Christianity . . . so I know that I have inculcated many of its precepts or at the very least, influences, into my own life. Not in itself a bad thing mind you, but interesting. I reject much of it but the part about not killing is a great idea. Then again, killing sactioned by the State seems to be an allowable exception, at least to America and much of the rest of the world.

So I sit here on a Christmas day ready to go to work but still getting over being sick myself. Imagine, a sick person going to work with the sick and dying at the hospital. Funny.

So I sit here and also think about so many of my friends all over the world that I love and would love to be with, if only for an hour. It has proven more difficult than I first imagined it would be to be alone on Christmas and the days before. Immediate family gone to visit relatives, it is pouring rain, I have been sick and so on and so forth. I hate this weather, get me back to Fiji and Hawai'i for god's sake.

I had a long conversation with a good friend last night whom I had met many years ago in Fiji. We have both had our challenges with living in America and I would daresay that part of each of us feels more comfortable with living outside of the United States that living inside. Especially now, given the current political, social and religious fervor permeating the country. I abhor and reject it.

I listened to Prarie Home Companion this morning and checked out thier web site. I once met Mr. Keilor through Nina Gerber (www.ninagerber.com) and he was very pleasent and polite. I would have enjoyed talking with him more at length (as I am sure many would) but the night was late and they were tired after a long gig and many days on the road. On his website he was asked by someone how to become a writer and do exactly what he is doing. His answer was simply to observe and write, write, write, write about every little single thing and bring meaning to it. Of course this is true and simply so, but his observation was that people simply do not do it but talk and talk about it. I am one of those much of the time and this blog is my effort (however small) to write more.

However, my principle intent today was to simply acknowledge all of my friends and family around the world, to send them my greetingsl, love and respect. John and Mili in Newcastle, Australia. Henri Julius and family in Berlin, Na and Nau in Suvavou Village, Fiji, Dean Leoni in Tokyo (at the moment on Maui, Hawai'i), Anna, Paul and Brom in San Francisco and so many more, indeed, too many to mention.

In the end, Christmas is simply a constuct and nothing less or more. What the construct represents to me is family, friends, jazz, food, friendship and a time to acknowledge our interrelatedness, commonalities and differences. That representation has meaning to me at least and I have dearly missed it this Christmas day.

Kate Moss - Drug Addled Model as Vapid as Ever

So poor little Kate Moss having lost over $9 million dollars in modeling contracts is now reduced to hawking Virgin Mobile contracts on the tele! My heart does not go out to her whatsoever. In fact, Virgin Mobile and Mr. Branson actually 'defend' Katie - imagine that, hiring a druggie model to try and convince the equally drug addled public that we should engage in a business contract. Lovely, just lovely.

No thank you Mr. Branson. Why not have a chat with the socially irredeemable Ms. Katie and work on her conscience a bit? Perhaps donating a percentage of her earnings toward drug rehabilitation centers in Britain for example? Hmmm, no chance of that at all given her history of selfishness and idiocy.

Is Ms. Katie Moss important in any way except as a sterling and wonderful example of how one has so much and screws it up beyond belief? No silly ducks, not at all. She and her pitiful stab at rehabilitation stands in contrast to the the American Public (incredible drug consumers in their own right - I am so proud!) who continually roll over for King Bush to have a go at. Really though, that is a subject for another rant and rave in my usualy inimitable style. Yeah, right, sure that is it.

Broadband High Speed

Finally, at last I have a high speed connection. My goal is more frequent entries, increasingly bitter and vitriolic comments about our lack of real Presidential and Congressional leadership in this country. I want to avoid ranting and raving and try to contribute at least a little bit of constructive energy and work toward extricating ourself from a neoconservative, right wing, nationalistic and evangelical nightmare. We don't need a revolution but simply to fire and lock up those bastards in the White House.

Since my last entry

Since my last entry, I spent a few weeks working as a Registered Nurse at the Bohemian Grove.  This annual gathering is one of the more interesting experiences I have had.  I met some very interesting people and many were not just Republican lap dogs but democrats, some liberal and some more conservative.  I worked with a bunch of outstanding Docs and Medics and that was the best thing.

I began work at Santa Rosa Memorial Hospital in the Palliative Care Unit on June 20.  I love the unit and the staff.  It is difficult to become used to the schedule, a mix of AM and PM shifts.  Once settled in, it should become easier.  However, now that I have the degree completed I still think of Hawai’i, of Fiji, of all the places I have and have not been and the many places and people where there is such need.  

Recently, President (ha) Bush said we would not dishonor the dead by leaving Iraq.  Is it not dishonorable to be responsible for the deaths of Americans by continuing to stay?  We invaded Iraq simply for access to oil and bases.  There were no weapons of mass destruction and NO evidence of connection to terrorist conducting activities against the Americans.  I grow ever more disenchanted and each time that I think we have reached a new low our ‘President’ utters another lie (that he sincerely believes I think), makes a stupid statement and takes another unilateral action that further weakens the position of the United States and makes us new enemies.  Indeed, I am an enemy of Bush and all that he stands for.  He and his minions, his puppet masters are ignorant and ruining the ideals of this nation and the possibilities of what we could accomplish.

The Fate of America - Betrayed by Bush

I will trumpet an old idea . . . that America is doomed to fail, that the idea of America has already failed. Our military adventures abroad are the beginnings of the American empire’s dying gasp as we succumb to materialism and porkism.

We are becoming a footnote to history and Bush and his cruel minions actually believe we are on the right course, that our cause is just. They are a bunch of insensitive bastards and sons of bitches that I would prosecute for crimes against humanity in an instant.

All I feel of late is rage.

The New York Times did an incredible series recently on class in America. It was one of the most disturbing reads I have experienced.

It is better that America will cease to exist. I see China taking over much of the world and dominating much of this century. The only problem is that they are emulating our model. Massive reliance on oil, increasind amounts of automobiles on the road.

What it all gets down to is sustainability for the population level. The planets population continues to skyrocket. The demand for consumer materials cannot be sustained forever, the demand for water and food grows. Wars will be fought over water and water rights.

Americans are failures and should be ashamed of what PIGS we are.

Want to survive? Learn Mandarin and / or Cantonese.

Milestones

I graduated from Nursing school on May 22, 2005 and felt nothing but relief and gratefulness for having survived. It was one of the most singularly unpleasant experiences in my life thus far. To celebrate I had a luau and was honored by what someone termed 'a very diverse crowd' of medical, theater people, singers and so forth. Nothing but Hawai'ian music, wonderful people, great food and a fire to round out the evening.

Thoughts of the many patients I have taken care of and learned from crossed my mind . . . wondering how they are, who lives, who did not, the quality of existence. I think about the patients taken care of as an Emergency Room Technician also. Each day . . . a gift and the longer in this business the better I take it to heart.

Meanwhile the state of the Union continues to deteriorate with a poor excuse of a man at the helm of the Nation. Witness the folksy crap he threw around at a 50-minute press conference yesterday, full of sound and fury signifying nothing, nothing at all. I will not go on an endless and ultimately futile diatribe / rant and rave about Bush because it is too easy and it accomplishes nothing. I get tired of whinging about him and our state of the State. What would Pericles or any of the Greeks do with a 'leader' like Bush? Assassination comes to mind but even I do not advocate such a thing else the Secret Service come knocking at my door. Yet where is our mechanism to remove stupidity, incompetent and dangerous leaders? We, the American public are largely satiated with consumber items, pigged out and porky, we cannot summon the will to overthrow a dunce king and tyrant.

So I am ranting and raving - what a shock. It is just that I see much suffering and nobility in many of my patients. They, and we, deserve to be led by someone so much better. Obviously though, I am one of the minority in America. The people have spoken and loudly. Too bad the one who leads is such an ignorant, dangerous and sad person. The pendulum will swing back again someday but for me, it may just be too long in coming. Better to abandon America maybe? Abandon it to the fascist evangelicals who communicate directly to god through prayer - we usually medicate those poor idiots and put them in psychiatric wards.

Thus, too, I am full of sound and fury.

What is the Value of Acting and Theater?

After seeing two plays this weekend and due to see Cabaret next weekend I have been reflecting on the whys and wherefores of theater. Of what use is theater? What does it mean to act and why is it important? At the same time I have been missing acting quite a bit - that creative fire and challenge of bringing life to a character and being able to communicate their life to others. There can be a lot of creativity in medicine but there is more science, diagnosis and problem solving than in theater in many ways. I miss acting and the theater, I miss tackling weighty social issues or a comedy that zings. I miss the feelings and power that a good show engenders, the social change that some pieces attempt to delineate.

I had the great fortune to work with Randal Duk Kim and Anne Occhiogrosso in Honolulu at Diamond Head Theater (The Taming of the Shrew, 1995). They were two of the most inspiring actors/directors I have ever worked with. I miss them and that intensity that only comes from working with people so dedicated to their craft. They asked each actor, "Why act?" There were an amazing number of inarticulate responses that issued forth from some of us. So why do actors act? I heard Willem Dafoe interviewed by Roger Ebert once and his reply when asked about stage acting was, "I'm a whore for the stage". Besides being hilarious, his comment struck deeply at the heart of why actors ply their trade. Some of us are greater whores than others . . . meaning that many actors are only in it for the fame, popularity and money they perceive will be theirs (yet any actor knows that acting on the stage will not make one rich!). I admit that the fantasy of those things can be a seductive call to anyone of us. Yet there are millions of people in the craft with no hope of fame or fortune ever on their horizon. So why do they act? Why do they spend hours and their own money staging productions? It is the siren call of self-expression and a deep need to be heard. Is the deficit of childhood? Is it an escape from a perilous past? What need does acting fulfill?

Obviously, this is a complicated question and not easily answered. We act for many reasons. Acting is fun, difficult, heart wrenching and beautiful. It brings out the best and worst of humanity, not only in the lives we portray but also in the actors themselves. Yes, it can be a shallow experience but acting as someone's craft is anything but shallow.

Acting and theater can teach, challenge and entertain. Its purpose is not simply to amuse all the time (but perhaps much of the time) but to challenge our perceptions about how we think the world is or should be. The theater can present us with ideas heretofore not conceived of in our experience.

Let us face it; most people do not walk out of a theater with their life changed. Perhaps the most we can expect is to touch their hearts and minds in some small way, to plant a seed that may someday come to fruition. I do not think that most actors have this as their primary motivation.

I look for shows that are not only fun but also have a message or present an idea that I believe in or want to learn more about. Theater is a reflection of who we have been, are and are becoming. By examining our past as thrown up to us by playwrights we can examine our reflection, learn or discard what is being presented. Theater can be our educator, teaching us about our lives and the lives of others separated from us by distance and time.

Is all this a justification for acting? Is there a need for that? I think not. I love the theater and when I cannot contribute or partake than something is lacking in my life. For the moment I cannot take part so I bide my time and wait for the moment when once again I can participate in the creative process. So all of these things are why I act. I will be forever grateful for what Randal and Anne asked me that day and the subsequent learning they gave to us. Perhaps for the first time, I saw the love, honor and dedication that can be brought to the craft of acting and theater. I miss that and those people who have taught and shared that world with me.

Agape, Eros, Empathy or Love in Nursing

I am finishing my student nursing in the next few weeks. I was accused of being a politician by one of the nurses last night (in a friendly manner) after I told a patient's son that "I really love my patients". Names, genders and identifying information have been changed to protect privacy of those involved.

Of course, I did not mean this in the Greek sense of Eros (romantic love) but rather that of agape . . . brotherly love. I have been working in an Emergency Department (as an ED Technician) for over three years now. I have had many patients that I could not stand and that I did not love in any sense of the word. The patient I was working with this evening was literally a little old lady originally from Germany. I grew up for three years in Germany from 1965 - 1968 as an U.S. Air Force 'Brat'. I related to and felt empathy for this woman who has lost a husband, daughter and son in the last 5-10 years and is facing end of life issues.

Her son came out of the room and effusively thanked me. I replied by saying that it was part of my job, it is who I am, what I do and that I really 'love my patients'. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I empathize, that I care and that I love my job, the people I work with and that I was born to do this work. Often, I am so immensely grateful for this opportunity that I can scarce believe that at last I have found this much meaning.

At the same time, I am not so innocent and optimistic that I can believe we can save the world or every one of our patients. I love the cynicism and dark humour that allows us to survive and get through our days. I have patients that have taught me so much and others that I can hardly wait to get away from. I still endeavor to remember them as human beings, damaged or not and to treat them with respect and decency.

Of special note is that the nurse who gave me a hard time is one that I have much respect for and admire her attitude toward her patients. While she was joking with me about being a politician, I did wonder if I came across as being fake. It is so unfortunate that calling someone a politician is a slur. I believe that it should be otherwise . . . but that is a subject for another time. I have seen this nurse make patients melt with what she has done and said for them. I have seen her go the extra mile and be a very strong advocate for her patients. She is a good example in this manner and I respect her. She meets the classic definition of a tough nurse with the proverbial heart of gold.

So what is the value of this experience and what is to be learned? I am not sure of that but I will continue to advocate for my patients. I will continue to 'love' my patients (just as this nurse does!) and endeavour to make each one feel special and cared for. It may all be for naught but I think not in my heart of hearts. In the end, I remember that while I have done so much and traveled so far, I still have so much to learn about being a nurse. What is important to me is that I be professional yet retain what makes me who I am and not lose that empathy, concern, passion and respect for those we serve. I do not want to come across as shallow or unmeaning of what I say and do. I have marvelous examples of what being a nurse means and I hope to take away the very best of what each of them as taught me. For that, I will always remain grateful and honored.