Aloha and I have been back in Hawai'i for a week now on Kauai and fly to Oahu tomorrow night for about four days. The one thing that is crystal clear to me and is completely resolved in my head is that I am not going to stay in California. I want to return to Hawai'i and in fact did interview for a position on Kauai - informally - but I did talk with some people. I interview at Tripler Army Hospital on this coming Tuesday. I love my job, love the crew I work with at the San Francisco VA but even they know of my love for the Pacific. I feel at home here, relaxed and a feeling of belonging. While it is not my home I know I can make it my home. So many changes.

 The one year anniversary of my mother's death is tomorrow. I plan on renting a longboard and paddling out to the middle of Hanalei Bay with a lei, say a few words in her memory. Something like this: Aloha Kakau, Bula Vinaka mom. I am here to remember your loving spirit and pay homage to the sacrifices and struggles that you endured in your life. To remember the sense of enthusiasm and fun you carried with you almost everywhere you went. I remember the night we spent on the fresh lava beds of Kiluea Volcano on the Big Island of Hawai'i, how late it was and how tired we all were . . . yet you shouldered the burden so well and carried on without complaining. We both knew we had been present at creation and I know how moved you were and excited you were.

Mom - I know we had our differences, disagreements and harsh words. Yet we forgave each other and in the end all was forgiven as you lay dying so well. I felt so sad and I am now moving on, letting that sadness go free and moving on with my life in so many positive ways. I do want to say I am sorry if I failed you in the end with the pain and suffering that you endured - we did our best mom but remain haunted by the possibility that I could have done better or improved in my care of you somehow. I think of that often and it is my greatest wish that you did not suffer. This may be a reflection of my career as an ER nurse and my own deeply personal convictions - but in the same breath I know that to live is to suffer and that it goes hand in hand with joy and life. I apologize if I failed you in any way or if I hurt you.

May the spirit and love that led you to love Hawaii and Fiji and their people bless and honor you my mother. I thank you for giving me life, teaching me how to be a good person and contribute to the world and its people. I thank you also for teaching me how Not to be at times by the virtue of your own attempts and failings at living a good life. May your spirit find comfort and peace, may you exalt in the end of your suffering and in your accomplishments in your brief sojourn on this planet. We will always love you and our father. I will always try to live a good life, to contribute, to do good, to lessen suffering, to teach and learn, to consume less and want less. You and father taught me these things - I do not know how but it is who I am and I know that you were proud of me and worked hard to let me know that. My heart enfolds your spirit my mother, may you be happy and satisfied where ever your spirit is, may you find peace and reward. I miss your presence and I send you my heartfelt love. David