31.12.08

New Year

The constancy of change
Begets melancholia of sweetness
To revel in past exploits
And in the love besotted hearts of youth.

Were it not for you
I'd tear from the fibers of my heart
A minute reprieve
From the vicissitudes of warring hearts.

Yet far shores beckon
Shelter sought in as yet strange bays
Soon to be called home,
yet as unfamiliar to me as the unintended consequence of your love.

19.12.08

The view from near the top of Meyers Grade. This is somewhere near
where Black Bart held up a stagecoach. My view when I am leaving my
house (about 8 miles South).

15.12.08

Zippy Singer on left, myself on the right. It was cold!

Snow and hail mountain bike ride. You would not believe it but a half
hour after this foto we finished our ride in snow and hail. What
beauty amidst the chaos! More fotos to follow!

9.12.08

December 8, 2008

One view of a 1906 earthquake lake at Plantation Farm Camp. Taken on
one of our daily mountain bike rides on Seaview Ridge. Nice and
beautiful to share this with community in a beautiful place now called
home.

David

3.12.08

A Brief Update

Aloha - I am now living on my Family ranch by myself and working on call at two different hospitals. One of them is the Veterans Administration Hospital in San Francisco. I am working toward paying off my one credit card debt to free myself from being enslaved for the rest of my life financially. I also continue to work toward moving out of the United States and am applying for positions with Medicins Sans Frontieres, International Medical Corps and other organizations similar to them.

I was to return to Fiji this coming January but to my great sadness and chagrin I feel that I must do the 'right' thing and am unwilling to spend so much on so short a time in Fiji. That money will be better spent on going to pay off my debt for a quicker departure to work overseas.

Thanks for reading.

David

22.11.08

A Poem after Class

Aloha - I took a brief class from the Red Cross in International Humanitarian Law. I wrote this during class.


Caught up in the tides of history,
I am no longer am what or who I was.
But then, no one is.

Beliefs shattered, remade, forged,
behind these walls of stone or flesh or blood or mind,
I was not a warrior, who visited death upon others nor did it visit me.

Then, swept up in the tides and spoils of war,
I succumbed to the pull of circumstance and violence visited upon me.
War was an unwelcome visitor whom I tried to bar at the door with my tears.

All too soon it became my most intimate companion.
It became my wife, my lover, my succubus, a brother, a sister, a father and mother. Cradled at the breast of war I soon knew naught else.

Yet it was, is and remains my abhorrence.
I deny violence yet am capable of it.
Give me a gun of paper,
I will write you to death.
Give me a gun of steel and I will, I will, I will . . . .

Who are you to take the life of the ones I love,
my son, daughter, lover and wife and mother, father, brother and sister.

Who are you? Shiva Death the destroyer of worlds?
Let anyone who thinks they cannot kill,
the blood of the ones they love upon their breast.
The choice to kill determines the path they will write upon their dying heart.

Blessed are the Peacemakers for I know them not yet I shiver in hope that the path of peace is upon us as the blessing of Allah.

20.11.08

It is winter now, at least for what passes for Winter here in Northern California. My mood can be so tied to the season. Cultural imperatives set aside, I shall embrace what the season brings . . . not the artificial forced happiness go juice fed to us by corporate drones the world over. No, for me I will take the dark renewal of winter, the gentle rain on Redwood Boughs, the sprinkle of winter fog on ferns and meadow grass. Perhaps this time is the time to think again of what our lives are about, to remember, anticipate, plan, reflect and renew commitments both new and made long ago.

November 2008

11.11.08

A Poem unmeant for Reading

It, it is the ocean of my soul that I commit to you and it is does not heed the you or I or me and its only cares are the care we let it have.

I thought I knew love and you and myself.

But I know that now, at last, I know nothing. That everything that was . . .
was that dream
we all have it . . . a lovers glance, a wink, a nod . . .
then to awaken a different life.

I see this rock in the ocean sand, the claw of a lovers scrabble buried deep,
the endless tide of love and wash of wave and sleep and desire.

Oh my love did I not love you and did you not love me?

I saw the printed words upon the pages left for you.
I have the solidness and well meant words intended for me!

Should we be shamed in our deceit?
Without intent we love in that moment and it last . . .
in a moment I lived a life with you of babies and grandchildren
idealized and perfected without pain, hurt, agony, to roil us so.

Only you passed me in my life.
I in yours.
glimpsing possibilities in reflections of lustful waves of longing
submerged, deep with light and air, gasping hoping for love.


David McCullough
November 11, 2008

4.11.08

That the Divisions of Eight Years will End

At long last, the nightmare of deceit, lies, treachery and personal enrichment can begin to be challenged. At long last there can begin to be a beginning to the end of a government of hypocrisy and impulses that are a betrayal of the beliefs that this country was supposedly founded upon.

I rejoice in President Elect Obama's victory. It is mine and many others greatest fear that he will be assassinated. I would do almost anything to make sure that this will not happen. I wish the Secret Service the best of luck, planning, and intelligence in their effort to avoid the loss of POTUS and any of their principles.

This is a great victory and the beginning of hope for many Americans. At last I can once again live in a country where I am proud of the ideals we are supposed to espouse, encourage and live. I want to be proud to be an American and it is my hope that is possible.

I sat there and cried with the people of America as President-Elect Obama gave his acceptance speech. I am moved by what he said, scripted to death or not, it was a moving, inspirational and magnificent speech. The danger therein is of expectations raised too high and I fear for him, his family and the people of this nation.

It is incumbent upon us to walk with him, at every level to participate in this democracy - such as it is. I am guilty of too high a level of cynicism and pessimism and perhaps have led me to not participate as much as I should have and needed to. It will be my goal to investigate how to end that and begin to take part.

Thank you President-Elect Obama. You have given me my pride back, my hope and an idea that perhaps, just maybe . . . Yes, We Can!

2.11.08

Love of Pablo

Someone sent a comment on my Thursday, Sept 25, 2008 post of a poem I wrote. I am unsure if I have written of my love of Pablo Neruda's poems. I know so little of him but I love his work, his descriptions, his incredible portraits, cadence, story-telling and so much more.

So it was such a gift from an anonymous commentator and I thank you, whomever you are for sharing this poem of Pablo's for me. I can only hope my reading of his work is branded upon my soul, heart and brain.

I wish that I was a better communicator than I am and thought I was! When I read Pablo . . . there is cautious hope singing in my veins and heart and blood.

Mahalo, thank you and gracias my anonymous commentator. You have honored me.

David

The Vote on November 4, 2008

I live in Northern California right now and this is how I voted in the November 2008 election. I researched a lot but a very valuable site was: http://ballotpedia.org/wiki/index.php/California_2008_ballot_measures


Barack Obama
Lynn Woolsey (U.S. Representative)
Wesley Chesbro (Ca. State Assembly)
Prop 1A (High Speed Rail) YES
Prop 2 Farm Animal Cage YES
Prop 3 Childrens Hospital YES
Prop 4 Abortion Waiting Period NO
Prop 5 Drug Treatment/Rehab YES
Prop 6 Police/Law NO (hard to believe but read the fine print)
Prop 7 Renewable Energy Generation NO (cannot believe this but read the fine print)
Prop 8 Eliminates right to marry NO (and hell no at that people!)
Prop 9 Victims Rights NO (once again, read the fine print but sounds good.
Prop 10 Alternative Fuels/Energy NO (Mahalo to T. Boone Pickens for this one)
Prop 11 Redistricting YES
Prop 12 Veteran's Bonds Act YES
Sonoma County 5th District Supervisor: Rue Furch
Measure Q, Sonoma Marin Area Rail Transit District YES (and hell YES people!)

I did my best to read as much as I could but I really hope I was not tricked or read something improperly or was not thorough enough. The great thing is though that at the very least . . . I have the right and the opportunity to vote. The time is critical for so many of us Americans now. I am afraid that if McCain does win by some amazing fluke or manipulation of the vote that there will be a revolution, and perhaps a violent one, or certainly great unrest in this country. I would take to the streets myself to protest a McCain win but really, what the hell does that mean?

What so concerns me is that Americans are beginning to lose confidence in the voting process not to mention their government. This must change.

Thanks for reading.

David

21.10.08

International Medical Work

Aloha and so at last I am finally going to do this and do it right. I am putting out applications to a number of Non Governmental Organizations (NGOs) doing sustainable development work, capacity building in the medical sector (or not). I recently talked with the Director of SEVA.org (Mark Lancaster) in Berkeley, California. Even if I need to volunteer first then I am going to go people

I just could not stand it anymore or maybe stand myself? Time to do not to talk.

Thanks for reading,

David

7.10.08

Catching up my Stream of Consciousness

Hey Glen, Sorry for the lack of response.  I will make this short as I want to answer - finally.

So to catch you up . . . .

I like nursing but hate hospitals and how we do medicine in this country. 

I continue to work for metropolitan medical group at:

https://www.metropolitan.md/
http://www.redwood.md/
http://www.noeclinic.com/

all the same business really.  I do online work for them, reviewing labs, med request, triage over the phone all online from home or the coffee shop.  Maybe a possibility of doing more with them, managing or whatever.  Working on that.

Talking with http://www.imcworldwide.org/section/join/
also.  They may have something for me, may have to volunteer first, we'll see. Looks good though.

Why all this now you ask?  How long have I been yakking about it Glen?  How long waiting for things to improve with you know who?  That is why - am sick of that state of the state, sick of the state of my state so to speak. Not running but seizing the moment, carpe diem.  In that respect, I do not have much of a choice left.

It feels that my vision is just and that it is 'beyond' many of the people in America.  Does not make me better, far from it.  Am I just more selfish? The mindless consumption and endless buy,debt cycle keeps our great American economy grinding down the rest of those foreigners to keep us on top.  I am sick of that too.

At the heart of much of this?  My stance as a do gooder is in danger because all I am doing is talking. Time to cut that bullshit out so I called IMC.  If that does not work, I'll find someone else that will take me.  Maybe I will apply to an APCD slot with Peace Corps!

So I will end here, sorry for the very much stream of consciousness rant but I know you are laughing.  I miss friends like you Glen, I really do.  I want to travel more to see friends like you and to really feel like I am at least making whatever vain attempts to make the world a more equitable, more sane, less consumptive place.  In the end, it is my only hope for some semblance of sanity and redemption.

I remain as ever,

Your Friend.

6.10.08

Back from Eureka, California

Aloha and it was a beautiful drive up and back but happy to be home. I work tomorrow morning and then later in the day give the International Medical Corps a call in Washington D.C. to inquire about volunteer / work opportunities. It is late now but I remain hopeful, if not for the economy!

1.10.08

David Byrne and Brian Eno

Aloha - I am very excited about seeing David Byrne and Brian Eno October 8 in Santa Rosa, California. I first heard the Talking Heads when I was at UCLA and just before I left for Fiji with the Peace Corps. They carried me through Fiji, a home away from home in my head. I spent hours walking down deserted beaches, from village to village, or just to get away with my Walkman cassette player - hey, it was 1985 and I was 24 years old ok?! Amazing and beautiful.

So there you have it. Beauty amidst the clamor, the village of my dreams. Thanks David - looking forward to seeing you.

30.9.08

Resolving our individual needs to grow beyond what we are.

Many times over half the battle is to recognize that you are not meant to do some things in life. For me I have loved the ER and I am excellent with patients and their psychological needs. Those very interpersonal communication skills I am so damn good at (and have received many compliments from patients and staff alike) make me peculiarly unsuited for the Emergency World. I love EMS when in the field - no time to talk anyway.

So the big push now is to find a position in the world using my Masters in Community Psychology, medical background and international experience. I don't want to be 'just' a nurse (God bless em!).

So now, having given word to this, ACTION!

More at: http://www.linkedin.com/profile?viewProfile=&key=23690659&trk=tab_pro

26.9.08

Hey baby, I sat here in Costco
Heard the worshipping voices of prosperity,
Wondered at the ending of meaning
When I brushed against your message from long ago.

You may be dead and gone
But sure as hell not
From my heart
As I hear your voice
My friend your voice
Of Scotch fueled Jazz
Till 3 O in the morn

Then the message ends.
But not our memory,
Fran you wild woman
What do I do without your insane sanity?

I'll never listen to Oscar, Trane, Miles,
Or any of our faves,
Without laughing with you.
Message received
Message ends
Scotch & Jazz flies baby . . .
You listening?
Yeah baby, yeah.

25.9.08

Your eyes have the look of promises.
Promises that cannot be kept but are wanted with quiet desperation.
Where would it carry us this naked lust and longing I have laid bare
before you?

To no
Uncertain end I am sure
Upon a shore of unknown origin
A species unknown
But loved unknown
To the ends of known space.

Enveloped by you
I,
I seek freedom,
And you.

13.9.08

The leaves of Fall begin to make themselves known. The long winter
beckons. Nature sleeps, gathering, waiting for rebirth. Darkness falls
sooner, I long for renewal and paths untraveled, for one who treasures
me and not themself above all others.

12.9.08

Focus on the platform, NOT the Shoe platforms!

I heard and read on the news this morning that sales of the shoes and glasses that Sarah Palin wore at the Convention have shot through the roof. So the message is that people are focusing on personalities and in general not what they stand for or what they do.

I am guilty of this at times . . . I cannot state every single position of any candidate. I do not care about their glasses or shoes.

Let's focus on what they say they will do, how they have lived their lives, their values and how effective they have been in public service and representing the people they were elected to represent.

That is just me though and I have clearly been in the minority for a long time. Leaving the country if the Republicans get in power is starting to sound like a very attractive option. The country is being dominated by undereducated, racist, giant truck driving rednecks that hate immigrants and can't think critically. That is who is going to elect John McCain - patriots without thought, who fly the flag strapped to their car or truck but cannot even find Iraq or Afghanistan on the map. Makes me ashamed to be an American, still proud of what we can be but not of what we are now or are becoming.

David

9.9.08

An update . . . of sorts.

I have not had much to say of late so at least an update is in order - for me to read if nothing else.

I continue to work a lot of hours at my hospital. We are soon going to 'basic' status meaning two nurses on at all times. On a practical level that means going to 12.5 hour shifts; longer days but more days off at a time.

I also continue to work my second job about 10 hours a week doing online medical work for a doctors group out of San Francisco.

The money I make is going toward paying off my debt, now down to about $9,700. I hope to have it down below 9000 by the end of September. Complicating this process is the fact that I am buying a truck from a good friend of mine and am diverting some money toward payments, for luckily he is flexible enough to allow that.

Then today I had my 1992 Volvo 740 Turbo Wagon in the garage for some work I needed done that I could not do. It appears that the head gasket is slowly going (meaning that it could fail at any point). The engine has almost 250,000 miles on it now so I want to begin saving for a rebuilt engine. The mechanic I use has a 'short' block available so I can essentially piggyback most of my engine onto it potentially saving a bit of money by doing so. My air conditioner system is new as are many other pieces on the car so it is more logical to rehab the car then sell at this point (I neglected to mention I just replace the rear shocks and springs with overheight springs and Koni Shocks from Holland).

Reminds me of the old quip 'I owe, I owe so off to work I go'. So very American capitalist. Well, my hope is that I will retire my debt (no car work will go on the credit card), have a car that is 'new' (interior is being fixed/renewed, new suspension and now a new engine) and the future reveals itself to us in all its glory.

Sure, get right on that would you bucky?

18.7.08

Miscellaneous Updates; Mozy.com, Iphone, Mobile Me

Aloha - luckily enough I have not had my computer crash ever but it was only a few years ago that I instituted a regular backup regimen for my computer using Syncback at home (to an external hard drive) and remotely using mozy.com. I recommend Mozy - easy, fast (once the original backup is complete) and reliable.

I updated my Iphone recently to the 2.0 version and I like it. More useful than ever, still dependable but I have noticed a bit of a lag in some of the programs. Might be a glitch that is fixed in the future but I am not even using my full 8 gigs yet. Hmmm? Tempted to get the 16 gig new phone but I know by the end of the year we will have the 32 gigabyte models out - I am betting someone a few movies on that - any takers?

So I fell into the Mobile Me world - thought I could at least give it a try and see if I can use it. I wanted to do that with Gmail which is and will remain my main and only email. Syncing the address book with my Iphone was almost impossible (also the calender). I absolutely hate double data entry problems, just won't do it.

That's about it for now. Nothing earthshaking. Working a lot at the ER and at home online. Some changes afoot, difficult but welcome.

D.

12.7.08

It is quite a challenge to write about a man. In being given that honor, it is often assumed that the writer knows the subject well and as such, has some authority to elucidate and reflect. In this effort to convey something of the nature of another person, we face a daunting and intimidating task. How does one sum up a life? This I cannot do, so like all good writers I’ve read will write what I know.

To set this stage and attempt to maintain honesty and integrity, I must say that I do not know Al well. Part of me feels that I do and I wish to know him better. I am unsure this is relevant because the time spent with him has been rich and meaningful. In my quest for honesty in what I write, one should know that while I consider Al a friend, I realized in recent months that he has also somewhat assumed the role of a father figure. Part of me searches for this just as anyone who has lost their own father searches for their father’s face or voice in those older men they meet.

But Al is nothing like my father and I do not want nor need him as a father. Whatever differences we may have, he is my friend. I admire Al and love him yet do not know him well as I wish to. What I do know, I deeply respect, like and love. He has listened and freely shared his thoughts, advice and empathy. He has willingly shared the benefit of his life experience and learning.

Many of you may know something of the physical challenges Al has faced. As an emergency room nurse I have seen great suffering, pain and death. Yet Al faces his suffering with a matter of fact attitude and little complaint – for the most part and never to me. This is an example many could and should emulate.

Some of our greatest moments or memories of others that have touched our lives are those timeless moments where we simply know the pleasure of existence with another human being. These moments of memory are not defined by what is said, but by the shared silence of being together, of sharing precious moments that seem so innocuous at that instant . . . but are remembered forever.

These words I write will not be remembered and rightfully so. However, Al is a memorable man. I have seldom heard the sheer amount and incredible variety of limericks issue out of one man’s mouth. Whether it is barbecuing steaks over gin & tonic or a late night telling jokes around the kitchen table, he is, hands down, one of the funniest people I have ever known. I treasure this man. Of course we have our differences but the key is that we do not care about the differences as much as we care about spending time and sharing common humanity with the other. For in the end . . . we have so little of that with each other.

Al, I am sorry to not be here but you know, in your heart of hearts I think . . . that I am here. I love you and Audrey; you are my friend and most of all I miss laughing with you both. You have been a good example for me and I thank you. Have a wonderful Birthday!

8.7.08

Moving, changes, Bohemian Grove and so forth.

Aloha - I will be leaving Sebastopol to live on my family's 150 acre ranch for at least a part of each month. The days I work at my ER gig I will have to rent a hotel room or something somewhere while I am in Healdsburg.

I have about one day off this month between all my jobs at Healdsburg, the Bohemian Grove medical gig and my online nursing work. Too much, but for one month it can be done, albeit with some difficulty!

There is a Peace Corps Fiji I reunion in Healdsburg this month and I am invited to that so am very excited about that. Conflicts with the Boho job but trying to work that out.

The change thing is hard, much sadness to endings of relationships, staying away from blame but also to take responsibility for your own part is so important. I'll be working intensively on my own head for the next year (especially) to get clarity surrounding this whole thing. Enough said about that but it will be hard work, good work and exciting to discover what is next on this journey.

Not much to say I guess, but there I am.

D.

29.6.08

My friend - John Wunder

This post is about me although it is entitled John Wunder. I say that because it is the living who are reserved the privilege to write about the dead. I cannot even really say that John was a friend since I only knew him for a few years and then . . . only at a distance. So to be fair, to be completely accurate . . . he was my neighbor.

We were the type of neighbors that talk over the fence or as we met over work that took us out into the world of fences that need mending or grass, with its unique sweet smell, needs cutting. There was that occasional cup of coffee on a cool Sonoma morning.

So I write this in memory of my memory of John because I am unsure as to how many friends that he has or if anyone will write of him. In this unforeseen way, I will remember him and selfishly, I hope that someone someday may remember me or the deeds that I have done or of some contribution I have made. Is this not what we all want? To be remembered? Loved? Thought well of?

So about my neighbor John, some words that come to mind - gruff - loyal - stubborn - dismissive - hard worker - practical - smoker - dead from smoking - friendly - unassuming - but these are not the sum total of a man's life are they? Of course not . . . and with John there was much unsaid.

Look, we all live our lives with so much unsaid. Some live their lives as caricatures of what might be or what they think they are or hope to be. I am not sure if he did but paramount to me was that John seemed stubborn in his pursuit of some type of honesty - with himself and others. It was far too complicated of a thing to try and unravel - especially now that he is dead.

It was the simplicity of sharing time together that had meaning for us. In growing up I did not understand what being a neighbor, a good neighbor could be. But that sharing of your time can be a sacred moment, a fun time, a time rife and hidden with meaning that only becomes clear when more wisdom, however hard won, comes our way.

When he was dying, the last time I saw him was in this hovel of a nursing home. Staffed with probably good staff, undergoing renovation, it was not a place I would like to die. I guess it does not matter for at the end it is irrelevant in some fashion, where the dying will take place for soon, you become unaware. Let me interject here that I spend a year and a half working in Palliative Care working with people who were actively dying and working with their families. I have hard experience and know how death looks, smells and feels - to the living mind you, to the living.

So I sat there in his room as he signed his will so hastily drawn up on my computer a few months ago. I held his hand, that strong hand of his that had built the fence going down the driveway, where we had cleared it of pestiferous ivy and had our conversations and late night hellos around. This fence did not separate but brought two very different people together for conversations. Surface as they could sometimes be, I enjoyed them and his company.

Holding his hand, looking in his eyes, his eyes met mine and he shook his head and I mine, in unspoken acknowledgment that this was indeed the time of his death. We had talked about it before but this time . . . there was no need. He had done his best, I had done what I could with whatever demands I had in my own life, to assist him.

I was not there when he died but I said my goodbyes that day when I held his hand for the longest time. I did him no favors. I only did what I could, it was nothing special. Although I could not have done more, I will always wish that I could have. But he had made his choices in his life and I think in the end, he looked at his life and finally accepted it, his death, his life, his mistakes, everything. That is it you see, we can either make peace or we will not.

There is such a thing as a good death. These words I write are my own, they belong to no one and only to my creation of them, they are not a reflection of anyone except my experience of this man, this neighbor, this casual friend who died. John’s death was his own, it was not a bad one; he had love and support from others around him that stuck with him through life and now, at last, through death. If there is some reward for this type of faith, let it come upon those who take upon themselves this sacred duty. Sometimes there is no choice.

So John and I shook hands, shook our heads in silent agreement, grinned at each other grimly and smiled. As drugged up as he was . . . he knew the score and so did I. I told him I'd see him again and I walked out of that room and he died two days later.

I'll miss him.

24.6.08

Santa Rosa Cyclery

Happy Trails Indeed - I bought my Santa Cruz from them about six years ago and was very happy when they split off and got their own shop. I know Mitch and have always gotten great service from all of the gang at the shop. Good to hear from someone else that has patronized their fine establishment. I like the website too at:

http://www.santarosacyclery.com/

Thanks for reading,

David

22.6.08

What Bike for Annandale?

My thanks to whomever wrote in asking my thoughts about if their bicycle might be appropriate to Annandale. They don't have a full suspension and I do not think that is a problem I rode for years on a hardtail,in fact it was an older Trek 750 (?)mountain bike with no suspension at all. When I finally upgraded to a Santa Cruz Light I was amazed at the amount of control that I had.

Back to the question - I think a hybrid would work just great on most of the trails in Annandale. There is a huge variety of trails, single track, double, giant freeways of roads composed of gravel, hardpacked dirt and so on and so forth. A hybrid would be great for this and of course much would depend on how much suspension you have on the bike. There is a trail called Rough Go that you may want to be careful if you go on. It is beyond my skill level except when I get off and walk in many parts of it. I neither have the skill level or the training to successfully and safely make it up and down without walking at some point.

Much of my riding is done on the coast up near Timber Cove on nicely carpeted fire roads and single track and if you fall, in general it can be on softer ground. Up at Annandale (i.e., Rough Go), falling could be dangerous. I carry my Timbercove Fire Dept Radio with me when I ride there . . . for myself or anyone else that may need that extra bit of assistance.

Yesterday at one of our local Emergencey Departments I took care of a rider (road bike) who had been on a 200 mile organized ride. On a downhill about 35 miles per hour the front tire blew out and they endoed (end over end, at least they think so) and was knocked unconscious. It all turned out well, just a fractured collar bone but this individual was very tough and actually considered finishing the race after they woke up - on the road! On her discharge certificate I had the doc put in a sentence that they should receive an honorary jersey for finishing at the Emergency Room - after all, 130 miles of a 200 mile ride! I could not even do a century at this point which forces me to the obvious conclusion that I need to work less, ride more. Or as the slogan on the T-Shirt says, Shut up and Ride.

Thanks to whomever wrote in with that question and I hope you will come back to read it. I can suggest a few cool bicycle shops, place to get work and advice and there is also a group of fairly hard core mountain bikers who ride very Wednesday evening at Annadale. They are too fast for me at this point as they are in great shape. I do alright but need to lose weight, exercise more and work less. Working less is hard to do when the priority is to pay off the debt I have previously mentioned.

And that, is that! Thanks for reading and aloha nui loa.

David

19.6.08

Credit Card down to $11,350 Baby!

For me, is good, is good. I am taking donations by the way people. If I can get rid of this before the end of the year I will be a happy individual.

Meanwhile, I work almost every day even when not in the Emergency Department. I work online in the mornings till 11. Today I ran around taking care of errands, fixing a water system. I get home and have more task set out for me, the proverbial honeydo list - fairly much inconsiderate of how I am feeling, how tired I might be, how hot it is or hungry I may be.

That kind of thoughtlessness and inconsideration does not get you far in the long run.

12.6.08

Paying off the Debt because I am Sick of it.

I have become increasingly disgusted with the level of credit card debt that I have been carrying. I regard it as immoral, unhealthy and dangerous. When I think of the amount of savings I could have if I diverted my payments from Credit to savings I am amazed.

While I like credit, I have abused it. I believe that the Credit Card companies are predatory and many should be put out of business. They make it too easy to live beyond your means. However, I do not blame them for my quandary, I blame myself.

As of today I owe $12,000. I got to this point by a combination of bad or foolish choices (and I am trying to be very self examining and honest) and circumstance. For example, at times I may buy something simply for pleasure. At other times I used it while I was in nursing school, an emergency car repair and so on and so forth. It would be of value to look at a five year history to analyze that.

I recently joined Mint.com to try and help me suss this out a bit better. I no longer carry the one credit card I have. There is not annual membership fee and my interest rate is 6.75%.

In one month I have paid off $2000 and this in addition to my regular bills. I eat out less, I am working two jobs (and sometimes three when I pick up extra work as a nurse here and there). Every time I think about my credit card debt, I make sure that I get online and pay $25, since I wrote this just now I am going to have to pay another $25 off. That is in addition to a $500 payment yesterday and a $300 payment today.

I even pay in the middle of the day or night if I think about it, I pay instantly, logging into my bank site using my mobile. If I do not go to a movie, I send the money I would have used for the movie to my credit card.

I am determined to be financially responsible, to live within my means, to stand up for what I believe in. Debt cripples me and chains me to my job, a place and constricts my mind and imagination. When I have paid this credit card off I am going to reward myself by actually saving the same amount into savings and retirement. I am going to buy myself an apple computer (since I am dumping all PC related junk eventually). I will buy used (from an Apple employee friend who gets new ones all the time).

I don't want to be cheap - but thrifty? Yes. I want to be able to buy very nice clothes, even expensive but not on credit and not a lot but of high quality.

I am so lucky to be able to do this. How many people do any of us know that can divert $2000 of their income in one month to debt? I am paying the price though, no free time and not much activities except work and more work. Luckily, I love being a nurse and I love it even more that I am back in the Emergency Room and in the field as a Volunteer Firefighter and Emergency Medical Technician.

Enough babbling for now. If you can think of other ways to get out of debt and be more fiscally responsible then please let me know!

Thanks for reading - David

10.6.08

Looking South, highway one around 7 pm

A view of a boundless forever.

Highway One & Meyers Grade

The drive home . . . Looking West.

3.6.08

Working the Night Shift in the Emergency Room Jungle

. . . sounds like a song but a song of love it is not. I hate the night shift. I love the peace and quiet of the night shift but I hate the graveyard shift in the ER. Most of the time, luckily for our potential patients . . . it is quiet as a graveyard. So we do paperwork, lots and lots of paperwork. I love that, really, really, I do.

I sit there and force myself to stay awake, walk outside run around, breath, breath and breath again. Flush the boredom and sleep away to live so that I can and others may. Check my email, no blog entries from there but I want to. Study my Emergency Nursing books and take test.

Pray for a patient to walk in, pray that it is not too serious but not too minor so I won't hate them for coming into the Emergency Room for a fingernail or a cold they want antibiotics for.

I sit there and I thank god I am NOT in a Level I or Level II trauma center where it is all rushed, chaotic (we don't thrive on true chaos, we abhor it) and you are pushed to the limit every shift because there are not enough nurses or your knowledge is not enough or you slept too little.

Did I mention I hate the night shift and love my workmates and being there. Maybe just one person saved, or healed or pain lessened will inject some meaning into the sometimes senseless debacle that passes for health care in this country mine.

I always wanted to be . . . a spy.

I don't know why except one reason was that I grew up the son of an U.S. Air Force officer and learned about duty. I know that I had the idealistic views of the neophyte. My initial conceptions of the 'intelligence' agent were idealistic and naive. I thought that to go out and gather information to protect people was a noble cause. The reality is that information is subverted to the political will of its ultimate consumer. The agent of information collection is just a tool and many times is simply thrown to the wolves if political expediency demands it.

To this day though I enjoy reading well written spy novels and actual histories about espionage. One of my favorites is Legacy of Ashes by Tim Weiner. Other authors include Le Carre (of course!), Alex Berenson and especially Robert Littel, whom I consider a real master.

It is a foggy world, not many black and whites. My goal would have been the clandestine service, a nonofficial cover (or NOC) agent. I would never want to be a desk jockey riding my cubicle. I would want to be in the field. The real life of a 'spy' many times is probably most filled with boredom. This is what I don't love. What I do love is that make believe world of espionage with a dash of romance thrown in here and there.

Duty, honor, country? I think duty, honor, world more than anything. I applied to the Agency once upon a time. Too old I guess at that time. More later.

23.5.08

Riding with good people

1906 lake

Mountain bike ride on Seaview Ridge. This lake was supposedly formed
during the 1906 earthquake. Lots of birdlife, scintillating shades of
green, cattails, very beautiful.

20.5.08

False Fingernail Visit in the Emergency Room

In the last few days there was a patient who came into an Emergency Room that had removed their false fingernail. While doing so, it hurt. So they came into the emergency room.

There was nothing wrong with it. No pain upon walking in. This visit cost them nothing because we, that's right, you and I baby . . . we pay for this person to be an absolute idiot.

Who is worse? The idiots running the country who do not have National Health Insurance or fingernail people. Just once, I would like to screen people at the door based on the stupidity of their complaint.

The other day, in another Emergency room a mother brought in her child with the barest visible bruise on her nose. Someone threw a CD and it hit her nose. No crying, no blood, nothing at all. So there is another Thousand dollars or so that this family does not even think of because they DO NOT HAVE TO PAY. So they come in and laugh, play, misbehave to the point where we have to say something.

Welcome to American Medicine.

18.5.08

Speechless . . .

when there is not much to say. We get tied up in our own lives, our 'personal' lives that can hurt so much or be the root of great joy. Till disaster hits and then all of that becomes irrelevant in the larger context of life. We all have personally momentous decisions to make I guess, ones that will have a major impact on our lives. But often these decisions are made in a vacuum, or our personal bubble of life and perhaps a few friends know of what is developing or occupying you.

Then I look at so many dead in Burma, so many dead in Sechuan and I just want to go and work, to stop thinking, to just do and place my own life where it should be in the larger scheme of things . . . unimportant for awhile, not irrelevant but certainly it pales in comparison to many thousands dead, dying, homeless, wounded, suffering.

So easy for a liberal to whine and moan as I do now, to lie awake at the early hours of the morning, wondering just what the hell it is I am doing with my own life when so many suffer.

My own familiarity with what I write here is disgusting and makes me sick. When will I rise up and make those changes in my life which I know are inevitable? They must be made and indeed the formation, realization and actual execution of those decisions began long ago. So despite whatever paltry personal pain I will go through? Irrelevant, unpleasant, necessary.

I must remember those who are in need greater than myself. To take action without endless jabbering.

David

29.4.08

Oh please, did I write this!

What to do when you are going insane.
Listening to music that keeps you warm inside,
dropping into your head
to keep you out of your mind and into your heart.

wish you were with me cause I've been thinking about you
you don't know me anymore,
and not that you ever have,
and not that you ever did.
But you are sure inside my head like the music I can't keep out.

You keep goin' round and round
you are the perfect girl for me
the one that's in my head

for I've got all your imperfections down you see
I know you inside and out.
You are that song in my head and heart
I know your every verse

You are the song that I sing
when things are going from bad to worse
It's the struggle to make you real I see
that's in my heart and soul

for your heart is the song I'll sing
when I sing for love I yearn for.

13.4.08

Leaving the Ridge

Aloha . . . while it is time to leave my beloved Ridge I find myself more reluctant to do so. It was such an incredibly beautiful day and I was able to get so much done. I mowed the yard and that was difficult as it was so long, thick and wet here and there. I cut down the first of several oak trees and this was the small one of the bunch. An old rose (I believe it is called a Cecil Warner but who knows!) had began to live in this Oak tree and I unfortunately had to take much of it with the tree. As old as it is I am sure it will regenerate and grow afresh once again. Besides, I did not take the whole thing!

Looks like 'my' website is down for now, tried taking a peak at my last post and it will not come up. I installed a couple of network extenders up here (see www.open-mesh.com) and it seems to have made all the difference in signal strength and range. Now all I have to do is replace the electronics that I have lost from PG&E's giant power surge that came through a few months ago. Auwe!

Thanks for reading,

David

12.4.08

elnabaker.com and studio360.org

Aloha, as I sat around the fire tonight, watching the stars, being oh so stunningly obvious introspective man (that was a joke people) I also caught studio360.org on KQUED (88.5). I listened to Elna Baker doing a spot she entitled, 'My Grandmother's Dress'. It was one of the most hauntingly beautiful, hilarious, sad but joyous pieces of radio work I have heard in a long time. Please do yourself a favor and check the piece out at:

http://www.studio360.org/episodes/2008/04/11/segments/96586

You can also check out her website at: www.elnabaker.com

She has some screamingly funny video clips hosted, where else these days but on youtube.com.

Thanks Elna, I'll be keeping up with your career. Thanks to you for a wonderful evening that you did not know you gave as a gift (but hope she knows after she reads all the comments people left at studio360.org)!

Thoughts on the Ridge of Dreams

I am up on my family's Ridge Ranch for a few days. We call it that because it was or perhaps is a Ranch and on Seaview Ridge. More apt to call it a tree farm because we grow coastal Redwoods on our 150 acres of land. Less apt is Seaview since we have no view of the sea unless we cut down many trees on land that we do not lay claim to nor wish to. It is, in fact, Salt Lake State Park land.

The silence and the peace here . . . well . . . it is hard to describe. Yes, one could say it is lonely and 'in the sticks' but if you knew the people here you would not be lonely. It 'feels' lonely at this moment but that is my own melancholy that anchors me to that and anchors, if one is lucky can either be pulled up or the line severed. Used to the din and clamor of life below it takes some time to sink into the meaning of life here, to let it gently cradle you into it, lowering you softly into its welcoming, embracing silence. For its silence is anything but . . . the whooshing flap of the raven's wings, the clicking communications and cawing rap as they wend their way through wind-blown aeries, from redwood to redwood, branch to branch. Then in the distance, there is sometimes the boom and crash of surf and sand . . . and occasionally the whooping bark of a laughing sea lion, fierce and beautiful in its intensity. Through this 'quiet' is the hum of twenty or twenty five hummingbird wings thrumming in ferocious intensity. Under that are the sound of grasshoppers and crickets living their busy lives. As I sink into this I become so aware of my own place in the universe and somehow, more at peace, at least in this single moment.

While the rest of the world in its many places hums with injustice, suffering, anger, violence and more I can be here in my temporary refuge. It can serve as that I think, a place to reconnect, to ponder, think, exist with and without thought. It may be the place where I will die, or hope to die perhaps in what I hope is some distant future! As time passes I become increasingly aware of this fact and that as much as we may pretend to 'own' (and now in this instant that idea is quaint to say the least) the land . . . in truth, it 'owns' us. It will endure beyond this mortal flesh of mine. In Fiji I learned that deep connection and now, I feel it here in this place as I have so often before over the years. Musing upon my own mortality I imagine.

Yet what is this restlessness that drives me? I strive to understand and know, to come to some sort of accommodation with it. A childhood of constant movement, of re adaptation at each new posting, living (and still proud of it in some way for some reason) as an Air Force "Brat". This spoiled me in some way, always a new horizon, forced to get along and be able to get along and make new friends quickly. So I grew up longing for connection, for a sense of community, to 'belong' yet always knowing as a child that I was 'different'. I had seen and done things that others could only imagine and dream about and that some would shirk away from in shock, content to be content.

This restlessness, this hunger for newness, for the horizon yet unseen, the sunrise and set of each new place, the searching for a loved familiar face, this is what drives me to move. To live in a country other than my birthplace, to remain dissatisfied because in the end, I always know that there is so much more to be lived, each and every day of my life.

That is why, coming to this place, I can fall to my knees in wonderment and thankfulness for this blessing, this honor, this realization of how grateful, how lucky and how happy I can be in this moment, in this place.

On paper I am a citizen of the United States. But this idea of nation statehood is what damages us. I see myself as a citizen of the world, a world citizen, call it what you will. The concept derives importance in its articulation and belief in it. Cease the nationalistic jingoism and perhaps we may begin to someday act with the community of people in mind and not the community of nations. Woodrow Wilson's United Nations was a beginning but only that. I fear for what is coming.

Thanks for reading.

David

6.4.08

My Visit to San Quentin Prison

Aloha. A few weeks ago I was able to visit San Quentin Prison near San Francisco. One of the oldest prisons in the United States it was originally started aboard a ship that was anchored offshore. It was built in the 1850's and to this day many parts of it reflect that heritage or time period. I did not take the public tour but rather was escorted by one of the medical personnel - a nurse to be specific. It was one of the most interesting experiences I have had.

By way of a brief background the Prison system in California is under Federal receivership meaning they are subject to Federal oversight and control of the whole system. I will not delineate further here as there are plenty of other much better bloggers with much more and better information that are keeping up with the process.

My own background as a nurse has largely been Medical Surgical nursing and while I would say I have competently taken care of patients I am not a great nurse. I'm striving to be . . . I have excellent rapport, am a good history taker and can take very good care of them on a psychological level. My first love has always been the Emergency Medical System (EMS) since I started in the field as an EMT and than moved into the Emergency Room (ER) as an ER Technician. Of late I have been all over the place looking at how we do medicine in this country - I have visited the Veterans Administration and part of my search was to visit the State correctional system.

Overall what I see (to no great surprise) is an overburdened and underfunded system, at many levels, stretched to the breaking point. I see the patients and staff doing the best that they can but clearly, the Federal Government's priority is keeping America safe by war fighting, combating terrorism and spreading Peace, Freedom and Democracy around the globe. I think that if they continue to ignore the American people that there will be trouble - personally I would like to see a revolution, an overthrow of the conservatives and neoconservatives.

But I digress . . . brief impressions of the medical system at San Quentin. So much to do with so few resources yet they tell me that it has gotten so much better. Unique challenges abound, for example an inmate suffers a heart attack yet locked in a cell, not under direct observation poses a challenge as to getting to them in time to attempt resuscitation.

I did not find it a scary place. I was very respectful and indeed this last week a few guards were stabbed in a riot in Southern California. So things can change in an instant. I am not sure I would wish to work there but I went with the intention of not having a closed mind about it and yes, I would still consider it at this point and I do not even know the benefits and pay. Deep down I believe that all people deserve health care to the best level possible.

I did find myself a bit nervous at times but I never saw so many guards in my life. I would have liked to work a shift and that may still be possible - they are checking into it. I do know that the stress alone of being in the system can lead to major problems in previously healthy people. It was noisy, crowded but also busy with inmates talking, laughing, and just trying to get through there day.

It was an amazing place and I may write more but this post is long enough for now. Thanks for reading, always.

David

20.3.08

Peace Corps Director - my application

Aloha and yes I am applying for a Peace Corps Director position somewhere in the world. My lack of some languages limits me, I speak German and Fijian but do not speak Spanish, French, or Portuguese. I don't really care where I go but care that I contribute somewhere or somehow.

Send career leads my way for things like this and thanks.

David

Chinese Leaders Suddenly Realize They Are Livinging in the 50's!

With all the kerfluffle going on in Tibet - and by this I mean the continuing killing, jailing, assault of the Tibetans - I laughed out loud at come of the comments of the so called leader of the Autonomous Region of Tibet and by Premier Hu Jintao. They may be able to ship thousands of troops into Tibet and brutalize the so called 'splittist' but much of the world laughs at their crudity, dated language and apparent belief that the world believes their outright BS and lies.

What I would tell the Chinese leadership is this . . . look, you have the opportunity to NOT be like America in so many ways. The party tries desperately to not follow the Western economic model but in reality is engaged in a headlong rush to massive oil consumption, overall consumption and pollution with little to no regard for the long term impact on the planet.

Instead of cracking down on Tibet - Leave! Get the hell out, prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that China will be an example of a moral or ethical leadership. Yeah, I know, I can hear the screams of laughter now.

I am ashamed enough of my own government and our embarrassing "President" that I can barely stand anyone who thinks the Dalai Lama supports violence and is behind the events in Tibet. If I was Tibetan I would be angry at the Han Chinese also and the government that is bringing millions of them to my country. If that happened here I would not like my culture threatened - the cultural genocide the Dalai Lama speaks of so eloquently.

The leaders of China are almost a bigger joke than George Bush except they are all responsible for so many deaths.

16.3.08

Jackie Ryan - Jazz

Aloha - I caught an unbelievably great show the other night at Sonoma State University. Jackie Ryan was the singer and I must admit my great ignorance (and some sadness) at not having known about her before. She put on a very professional, fun, personable and a definite jazz lovers show. She picked great tunes, has wonderful and engaging presence and for gods sake get yourself an opportunity to see her. I especially loved her crew this night (and apologies for not having all their names here). The drummer was excellent, they all were, but his facial expressions as he became lost in the music (in the finest sense of the word) or rather as he BECAME the music, was a beautiful thing.

http://www.jackieryanmusic.com/

After doing just a bit of web research the depths of my ignorance is always amazing. Do check her out gang.

I used to complain it was difficult to find Jazz around Sonoma County and in some ways, depending on where you live, it is. However, I need to work harder because after this I know there is some world class jazz - right here.

On a last closing note - she's got some aloha spirit too after a couple of years on Maui.

Aloha . . . .

David

11.3.08

World Health Organization

I put in over six applications to the World Health Organization tonight. All over the world really, Cairo, Phillipines, Africa and more. Late night but worth it, heard from my former professor at the University of Hawaii who is now in Sydney at a conference.
Lots of thoughts, thinking about the nature of work, what gives and provides meaning to one's life. Guess that is what we are all looking for.

Want to mention a great web site, www.lifehacker.com

Thanks for reading.

David

10.3.08

Sunset

Love the Feds for thinking they can mess with time! Beauty amid the
madness.

Brief Update

Looking for not just work but meaning in and from the work. Not wanting 'just' a job but a chance to make a difference in the world. Not so interested in just going to work, not thinking, just to make money to buy my 'things'. More interested in not so many 'things' but in the quality and amount of interactions with my community, those people around and of my community. Wanting and willing to work hard but not wanting the work to be the 'be all, end all' of my life. Valuing the sense of community and neighborhood. Not wanting to rush, rush, rush as the culture seems to engaged in that headlong rush to nowhere.

Goal is one of living here and outside of here, somewhere 'over there', mainly the South Pacific but even in Europe where home also was . . . having lived in Germany back in 'the day'. Working toward that requires some sort of patience that evidently I must work at gaining (he says with a dry grin interlaced with frustration.)

So that is a brief update, wordy but brief enough I reckon. Come on people, where are the leads when I need and want?

David

19.2.08

Medicine, the book Overtreated, the path forward with an eye on the past . . . .

I just finished reading, Overtreated: Why Too Much Medicine Is Making Us Sicker and Poorer. Shannon Brownlee is the author.

I read most of this while I was in Fiji. The reading of this book and my experience in my last position has convinced me that I need to do primary care, have a long-term relationship with my patients (if at all possible), practice in a community setting with an organization that has ties to the community and is part of that community and not solely there to extract money for services without adequate follow up. Shannon Brownlee has written an eminently readable book and I highly recommend it.

So I am out looking for this kind of organization, one where I can use my medical background but also my Masters in Psychology. I have a lot to contribute but want to use ALL of my talents and education and especially to be appreciated. I also want to be in a learning organization (however small). Maybe I will just have to end up in a Doctor's Office, who knows.

Yet at the same time I am looking to get back overseas with the Loloma Foundation (a link is to the right under medical work in Fiji) doing medical projects and other health related / learning development projects.

Thanks for reading. Leads and thoughts appreciated.

David

Future of power

Every little bit makes sense, no? This is a wind farm on Highway 12 in Northern California. Admittedly not a great shot (my Iphone at about 60 miles per hour!) but they are many stories tall. I would love to be able to have one of these or its smaller cousin on my family ranch on Seaview Ridge. Someday perhaps we will.

David

13.2.08

RN's at Colonial War Memorial Hospital, Suva, Fiji

 

These folks were kind enough to show us around and let us take some photographs. Love the uniforms!
Posted by Picasa

United States Department of State

Aloha . . . a long time ago, at least for me, I graduated UCLA in Political Science and took as many classes as possible in International Relations. After graduating the Peace Corps gave me more experience on a very basic level. While I plan on staying in medicine I am going to take the State Department examination this March.

I have friends with State, currently in Reykjavik. There are a lot of great people in State - I have met many of them over the years and it would be a difficult job especially in todays climate. Nonetheless, it might be a way to make a difference in some way. I'll do my best to pass the test although I know most people do not! International Service calls to me though.

At times I almost feel desperate to make a contribution, a lasting contribution to make things better. I am working on it.

David

11.2.08

A fine day

A fine day to ride at Annandale State Park. I know you can't see a lot
here but at least there is some light and clean blue sky. On this day,
life continues, world orbits, people love, we learn, babies are born.
Life is exactly what it is in each moment. I'm not too profound today
but while we strive to change it, it is busy changing us. Wisdom is
learning that, and just maybe each day I get closer to it? At the very
least, I make the attempt.

10.2.08

Moves, Movies, Movies

Aloha. Last night I saw Atonement and this evening, There Will be Blood. Two very different movies but both thought provoking. One wistful, memories tinged with sadness, shame, guilt. The other full of mystery, questions of birth, death, endless anger. I enjoyed both of them but there was such sadness in each and perhaps in only one, redemption.

See them.

David

9.2.08

Robin Taylor, Academic, Entrepeneur, intellectual and great friend

 


Taken February 4, 2008 in Suva, Fiji at Robin's wifes shop. They also own a Hair Salon directly across the courtyard from this. Robin recently started a new Primary School in Fiji - once I get the web address I will be sure to post it! I am very happy to be in touch with Robin and his great family. More of the wonderful crowd I know in the South Pacific.

Thanks for reading,

David
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Friends in Germany

Aloha and Guten Tag . . . just spoke with my friend Benno in Germany. I grew up there as a kid for three years. I met Benno at the University of Hawai`i over 17 years ago now and we have remained close. We just spoke and I am reminded of the meaning of true friendship and love that we have with our friends.

In addition, I had a friend from Hamburg recently get in touch with me also after some 20 odd years. She flies for Lufthansa and lives in Hamburg. I am getting them both in touch with each other.

Someday, and I hope not at my death, I hope to have a meeting of all my friends at once from all around the world. How many languages would be at the table? How many cultures and customs would we add up? Damn that would be fun!

I miss all of my friends right now, where ever they may be in this world.

Tschuss, moce, malama pono,

David

8.2.08

Sometimes Change is a Forceful Gift.

Sometimes change is forced upon you. At times, if you are lucky or as you get more experienced, you begin to recognize that the change being 'forced' upon you is actually the best and most correct thing. You may not like it, I know that I don't, but lessons are learned, sometimes in the most difficult ways.

Needless to say I am at that point now. It is even more difficult for me right now because of my recent return from such a fantastic trip to Fiji, filled with kind and giving people, welcoming in the extreme and coworkers that nurture and teach, instead of searching for fault, micro examining and laying blame. I take this lesson upon myself, no one else but damn, it sure is a rough go.

But then I must think of the positives, clean water, hot water, too much food, shelter, peace and no one threatening to kill me. I keep those in mind and it helps a great deal to retain perspective. My heart still aches but good to be humbled and forced to accept that give of learning. ACCCKKKKK! I still want to scream though!

I am sorry I cannot lay this out in detail. Perhaps someday? Thanks for reading and as ever, I remain grateful.

David

4.2.08

Final Approach

Design

The ceiling of a bure (house) at Navutu Stars Resort. Note the
symmetry & beauty.

Return

Bula & yes I have returned. Got into Los Angeles an hour ago. I'm
waiting for my Horizon Air flight now. Tired, sad, but happy too that
I am back to change course and carpe diem.
Thanks for reading.
David

3.2.08

Morning Reflections on Tropical Sunday Morning

February 3, 2008 @ 1115
South Pacific Dispatch / Suva Motor Inn, Suva, Fiji

Yes, I do love being able to write from a faraway place that I am not from. I am having coffee (from Papua New Guinea) and watching the BBC World News that absolutely puts CNN to shame most of the time. I do like CNN International and the special reports.

Things look on track for my departure. Weather is good and no cyclones on the horizon at this point in time. I’ll confirm with Air Pacific today or tomorrow and set up the transport to Nadi which is about a 3 hour drive. I have seen the bus and it is a huge and comfortable bus . . . a far cry from ‘back in the day’ (1985 – 1987) when it took 4- 5 hours in a cramped open air bus. The old buses are still around and I love the fact there are no windows. If it rains you simply roll down a vinyl tarp and everyone helps hold it inside.

That cooperation, at least for the most part is much of what typifies Fiji to the outsider. Some of this is of absolute necessity, i.e., it is a must to cooperate when unloading a container in the rain and mud and you do not have a forklift and a paved road to use it on. So when we unloaded the container of medical supplies in Nausori, we had to use the ‘human forklift’ and lift the pallets with people.

Some may find it interesting (others terribly boring!) or surprising that I am tired and yes, am actually looking forward to going home. I do have a deep love for Fiji but it is not my home and my mission here this time is complete for all intents and purposes. I have a life that needs tending to back in America, people that I love, mail being saved and my love for and addiction to the New York Times and other news. I can easily envision a life where I can live in America yet spend months at a time overseas doing medical work in different places. I could work at a hospital while in America and then work overseas too.

I just heard the BBC news call Indonesia’s ex-president a great leader. What a joke. The CIA and other various U.S. government agencies were completely complicit in assisting Suharto in a reign of terror. He was a joke to many Indonesians that I have spoken to. He personally enriched himself, his family and many of his cronies from the brutal repression of his people in the name of anticommunism. I don’t think he was an American puppet but probably very good at survival and manipulating the Americans into giving what he wanted. Much of my knowledge is based on a recently published history of the CIA. I would like to read a more specific history so eventually will have to look one up.

Thanks for reading.

David

Postscript: I remember sitting with the Fijian guys from Lalati and hearing them sing around the tanoa (the kava bowl). There was a song just about their island of Beqa and each village was mentioned in the song. Fijian songs are usually about connections, to their village, to each other, to the land. It is not usually songs about anger, or alienation. There may be sadness but it is about a broken heart from love, separation from a loved one, departure from home, an island that you have come to love. Other songs are simply about fun.

2.2.08

Back in Suva Second Go Around

February 2, 2008 @ 2350
South Pacific Dispatches / Suva Motor Inn, Suva, Fiji
I just returned from dinner at Fong’s Chinese which is a great place to eat. Still have to disconfirm the use of MSG or not at this point as I did not think to ask at the time. I was too hungry as all I had today was tea in Suvavou with biscuits or as the Fijian say, bisketi. I much prefer the sound of bisketi! I took some of my ex-in-laws to dinner with me and afterwards went to see No Country for Old Men. I loved the movie, especially the soundscape which was very distinct, spare and beautiful. A bit of a confusing movie at times and I shall have to see it again to deepen my pea brain analysis of a very complex bit of filmmaking. Overall however, I loved it despite the violence.

How normal it seems does it not? Dinner and a movie? Yet I treasured the normalcy of that for myself this evening. I am sleeping where and when I want, eating what I wish, I am very clean after a long hot shower and have been quite happy in my nest of a hotel room. Lonely a bit but great for introspection, reflection, review and analysis and most of all the silence, the space to do nothing, think nothing.

I bought a few groceries this evening for tomorrow so I could enjoy a nice breakfast and coffee for tomorrow. I shopped at MH’s which stands for Morris Hedstrom. The old store burned down over 10 years ago and it just reopened about one month ago. Fiji time anyone?

I attempted to get online at the Tanoa hotel but the internet there is down, both the wired and wireless. I tried Skynet Internet Café, logged in through my U3 Sancruiser Titanium USB drive. It runs a shell on the machine and protects the key data behind a virus and malware shield (Avast). It worked as advertised, warning me of a trojan horse, probably a key logger program so I terminated the session immediately. I don’t have a lot of valuable data but I protect it. The USB drive was an excellent purchase. The frustrating thing is that I have a lot of blog entries written and pictures to be posted yet finding reliable access is a great annoyance. I caught a whiff of a network in Suvavou Village on my Iphone last time I was there about two weeks ago so if I visit tomorrow will try to hop on the network – I was shocked to find it there. Isa Fiji, how it has changed! Even this morning, waiting for my commuter boat for the one hour crossing to the mainland I saw children and adults go to the seawall to text and / or call people. People text a lot! Saves money over a phone call. You can add minutes at almost any store – I bought additional minutes with my groceries this evening.

Another big change is the level of supposed sophistication in the way people are talking, dressing and acting in the city. More nightclubs and I was even blatantly propositioned by at least 3-4 prostitutes on the walk home even though it was obvious I was trying to avoid them like the proverbial plague.

Less than two days left in Fiji. I will spend Sunday and most of Monday here. I want to get another Bula or Aloha Shirt, maybe another sulu, Fijian Music CD’s and so on and so forth. I bought some nice curry supplies today so I am looking forward to making curry next week.

It just turned February 3 so I will sign off here. Thank you for reading.
David

The classic Kava Photo

 

Drinking Kava at Rukua Village two days ago. Drank till 12, up at 5 a.m. to catch the commuter boat to the mainland. Good fun!
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Back in Suva

February 2, 2008 @ 1340
South Pacific Dispatch / Suva Motor Inn, Suva, Fiji

So roundabout I have come once again to the Suva Motor Inn. It is funny to me, perhaps to be expected however, that this is the loneliest part of my trip. Neither coming nor quite yet going I feel I am just at that in between place, hovering, waiting and suspended. My short term course is set and clear yet the long-term is uncertain, full of longing, excitement, sadness, doubt, and unknowingness. Being comfortable with that part of it is what is hard for me at times. I wonder about others.
The rest of the Loloma Foundation ‘gang’ are all home in America, save our stalwart leader, Linda Kwasny. They have all been a joy to work with and to spend luxurious time with them after our work day is complete.

I left Lalati Resort on Beqa Island yesterday and spent the night in Rukua Village on the other side of Beqa. My friend in Santa Rosa, Sailasa Rogogo is from that village. Interestingly enough, my fellow Peace Corps Volunteer, Chris Schorn (now in Seattle) lived in Rukua and as I was drinking kava with the boys last night it was a full on reminiscing of Chris and Sai stories over the years. I even saw an old foto of Chris and that brought back many memories.

It seems that everywhere I have gone brings back a rush of memories. I drank kava till 1200 pm last night, got up at 0500 and left on the boat at 0645 for an hour’s boat ride to Navua. From there I caught an ‘Express’ bus (read slow and maddening into that but some things never change!) and got off in Suvavou Village just past Lami. Suvavou is where my ex-in laws live so it was good to see them again. Now I am so tired and lonely that I am just going to take a shower and a long nap. I am so exhausted from working, the constant travel, and the emotional demands from memory and by just being alone in what is still to me, in the end, a foreign culture. I slept on the floor last night with a bit of foam pad but out of deference to me the boys lit mosquito coils but I was eaten up anyway. I usually travel with my mosquito net but had left it behind in Suva because I have not needed it. They also closed up the windows so I was dead of the heat and sweated all night.

So why write this? This is what it is like when you have to travel so much here. You lack control over your immediate environment to a large extent and are subject to the whims and vicissitudes’ of those around you and the travel gods. I could have stayed at Lalati Resort which is unbelievably comfortable and beautiful but I had to spend at least one night in the village. I did this not only for myself but for my friend Sai. Resorts insulate you so much from the people and this was my first time to experience resort life. I loved spending time with the staff, drinking kava and so on and so forth but also enjoyed the great food, service and other benefits of resort stays.

The last four days we just worked in the clinic. I drained an abscess on an eight year old that had been ‘drained’ in December. It was still very infected and very painful. One of the primary challenges here is keeping things clean so it is very possible that they let it get dirty and it healed over without sufficiently draining and the infection being stopped. Sterility is a joke in the tropics, in the bush with insufficient control over the environment. We called a Doctor in San Diego (or emailed him) about what antibiotics might be best for this foot abscess.

Plan for today and tomorrow is to simply rest. I have a few small things to do, recharge my phone with more minutes (I simply love the pay as you go plan they have with Vodaphone Fiji). I might buy a few more shirts since the three I brought got trashed since they were so old. On Monday I catch the 1630 bus to Nadi and my flight leaves at 1030 that night. I arrive into Los Angeles, wait for a bit and transfer to Horizon Air (Alaska Air) for my flight to Santa Rosa.

Although I have loved my trip I am so very tired and look forward to seeing those I love once again and fold them into my arms. Sometimes not knowing what to do is a blessing. I have a day to recover, unpack, clean and then off to work at MS II if I still have a job, if the Hospital is still open and on and on, ad nauseum (sp?).
Thanks for reading this far. Will try to get to a computer and post this with a few fotos later or tomorrow.

David

1.2.08

Work

Now this is what I call going to work in style! Need more of this and
not less. Taken in the Yasawa Islands last week. I'll be seeing most
of you soon!

Ratu Tevita, na Vu ni Wai!

28.1.08

South Pacific Dispatch / Cyclone Gene


January 28, 2008 @ 2112
South Pacific Dispatch in the middle of Cyclone Gene
Lalati Resort, Beqa Island, Fiji

Aloha and Bula Vinaka. . . . I just made an entry into my Iphone about the cyclone; of necessity a short one since typing on it is still not as easy as a full keyboard. I am listening to Radio FM 96 to an absolute idiotic airhead of an announcer with her full on Western bullshit pitter-patter (just as bad as or worse than in the West). Since we are in the middle of Cyclone Gene (and I hate that stupid name too come to think of it!) it is always good to hear what is going on. Contrast my position to the gang on the mainland, flooding, out of power and so on and so forth. I am on the ‘island of the firewalkers’ at an incredible resort (in trade I pay for basics, spruce up the clinic and see patients) where I have generator power (twin diesels, one as backup), ate an incredible meal and am in the middle of cyclonic winds. . . . all of this incredible comfort (apologies for using incredible so much in this dispatch but there it is alright!?).

Last time was in 1986, I forget the Cyclone’s name but I was on the Provincial (much like the American County’s) Emergency Response Team. Then, like now, it was mainly a matter of waiting the storm out, damage assessment and the inevitable piecemeal response all depending on the level of damage to homes, roads, power and other infrastructure. I got a lot wetter in that one. Of course the night is still young but I am beat. Tired from the crossing (more on that below) and put a couple of hours in on cleaning the clinic and sorting through meds and tossing expired ones. For example, nitro expired by two years – never used of course since no qualified personnel are here to dispense it. We have lots of Levaquin PO, a heavy hitter out here. Have not seen Hansen’s Disease yet but there was a case in the Yasawa’s that I would have loved to see. Someone mentioned Levaquin so hope I remember to check PubMed for that one. I heard some Elephantiasis is around so really am excited about observing that and checking out what the process is and proscribed treatment. I hope to get Rick Flinders and his ‘gang’ interested in working with the Loloma Foundation at some point. They would love it and the experience is incredible.

Winds and rain are heavy and the roof resonates beautifully with the sound of the rain and occasional “WHAM” from a branch or even a coconut. I still reflexively remember to watch my head in the wind under a coconut tree . . . I was quite proud some of those reflexes are still with me! Of course my sea legs long disappeared. The at least one hour crossing was one of the roughest I have ever been on! Even Linda rated it an 8 out of 10 (0 being like glass and a 10 either drowning like a rat, yeah baby or not even making the attempt?) and she lived here for 10 years and crossed all the bloody time! Better to have been the captain on a larger sailing boat but our trip was relatively safe, an aluminum catamaran dive boat powered by Twin 150 horsepower outboards. This was all in 15-20 foot swells, all white capped and incredible amounts of drift and spray over the entire vessel. The bow was covered now and then with waves and then we would surf off the crest and “WHAM” down into the trough and repeat, repeat, repeat. One more hour and the fun would have ceased for me. As it was we were all completely soaked through and through, as it is an open cabin except for the wheelhouse and covered a bit by plastic curtains from the wheelhouse back. Photos later I hope! I could not safely get my camera out for it this time.

High tide tonight around 12 so flooding on the main Island of Viti Levu will hit then. The center of the cyclone crosses the island tonight, guess it is a good thing I am out here. Radio Fiji has people calling in having Cyclone parties – like I said (and I remember this) there is not a lot more to do if you are already prepared. Although we have power I have the clinic set up for emergencies (injuries and so forth mainly for tomorrow) and a quick trauma pack in my backpack, headlight, two radios, four flashlights, Leatherman, got to have camera and so on and so forth. A quick note on mobile phones here, they are very common, cheap to buy (bought one for $80 Fijian, about $50 US or so) and you prepay. They are very dependable, way better than landlines. Fiji is typical in this development and is much the same as many other developing nations. Mobile networks are used to send money, text, photos and more.

Dinner was outrageous. Some type of very tender steak with mushroom sauce, steamed broccoli, a twice baked potato and the finale – incredibly moist, delicious banana-chocolate cake with shredded coconut baked into it. Please, hurt me like this all the time. I managed not to eat it all believe it or not. Hmmm, think it will be easy to recruit people to work on these trips with descriptions like that?

There is a very nice Yacht tied up in the Bay in front of the resort but I am betting it will be aground by the morning. They have a good sea anchor and a hurricane anchor out but in sustained winds of now 65-85 kph (work the equivalent out yourself people!) and gust up to 140 kph I am fairly sure it will drag. Too bad, it is a beautiful double masted yacht and brand new from what I hear (friends of the Lalati Resort owners).

Linda Kwasny (former owner of Lalati Resort that built this place from the ground up) is one of the board members of the Loloma Foundation. She told me about a seamount about one and a half hour boat rides straight out into the ocean. One of the better dive spots in Fiji it is about 200 meters across and at low tide you can almost stand on it. It is like a large mushroom and hit about 600 feet deep over the edge. Someday I am going to snorkel and dive it.

Overall I am exhausted. This is in part physical and is due to the constant travel and lots of work. The climate is hot and humid (great!) but wears you down when you don’t pace yourself like the locals! The mental part is exhausting too. I had the most cultural experience of everyone in the group and I felt like for the first time I was really recognized for that because I was so useful. My language skills were of great assistance also. That takes of a lot of concentration and mental energy – we all commented upon that. Since somehow I am going to come back more often I hope that it will become easier.

Coming back more often. . . . to Fiji and other parts of the Pacific. I’ll take some help on this one people. How to live in California part of the time, work there and make the time to be able to work in the South Pacific. I mean just look at the time I am having here. I have lived more in three weeks with what is happening then I feel like I have in a few years! It is just so weird at times.

I know this entry is a long one. If you have read this far than I’m doubly grateful and thank you. I think when I go on like this it is because I have done so much, or so much is going on that there is a lot to process mentally. Putting hand to keyboard helps my reflection and search for meaning amidst the elemental struggle taking place outside this cabin. It is such a beautiful thing to behold this life of ours. Despite whatever pain of our own individual lives where ever they may be on this planet there is also that essential wonder, even in the most infinitesimal of moments. We are doubly lucky to even be able to conceive of such things when there are those whose every thought is directed toward not getting hacked to death (Kenya), or the search for clean or water of any sort and food.

Loloma Foundation may have a shot at a mission in Malawi. I am on that list. Thanks for reading and best regards to whoever reads this. . . . I wish you happiness.

David

Postscript: I am not bothering to edit that much at this point in time lest it destroy the immediacy of my thoughts. When time permits I may go back. For now I am looking after the spelling and basic sentence construction.

South Pacific Dispatches. . . . Beqa Island, Fiji

Bula Vinaka and aloha from the island of Beqa. Linda Kwasny is the former owner of Lalati Resort and one of the board members of the Loloma Foundation. Lalati still maintains a small clinic here (with Air Conditioning no less!) and we are cleaning that up and checking medication expiry dates. Later today we'll start seeing some of the staff and then full on tomorrow with the surrounding villages.

Cyclone Gene is thankfully on the way out! I have a few blog entries and photos waiting on my computer (I am using Lalati's Mac right now with a Satellite uplink) and will post those when I can. All flights in and out of Fiji are canceled at this writing and getting over here yesterday was an exercise in carefully controlled violence and great seamanship on the part of our crew. I have been in some rough seas before in Fiji but as Linda said to me, on a scale of 0 - 10 with 10 the worst and unpassable, this was an 8! Yes sireee baby, it was an E-ticket ride. At the end, near shore I just jumped and swam in since I was completely soaked anyway.

The resort is on twin diesel generators anyway so we have power and all of that. The mainland is flooded with no power so there you have it. Roads are flooded and not much is moving. Lots of cyclone parties over there I bet?

I am not even sure at this point if I will be able to visit my friend Sai's (living in Santa Rosa) village Rukua here on Beqa. The trail over may be impassable and the sea is a joke - just too dangerous.

That is about it for now kids. Special bula and aloha to my family, hugs to all.
Thanks for reading the continuing adventures of yours truly.

David

Cyclone Gene

January 28, 2008
Beqa Island, Fiji

Hell of a rough crossing today from the mainland. Not sick but 15-20
ft swells so completely soaked by docking time so I jumped & swam in!
Good fun. Sustained winds up to 90 kph with gust to 140 kph. Not sure
when this email will get out as I am on my iPhone. Can't leave island
for at least three days now anyway but Lalati resort has satellite so
may be able to update via that link. My Fiji Vodaphone mobile has no
signal right here but maybe on the beach or hills later.

Incredible resort once again have to see to believe. Spent a few hours
cleaning and restocking meds in the very nice clinic!

Cyclone Gene won't make a direct hit on us at least but close. Lalati
Resort is built to a level of Category Eight cyclone. Been through
this before and usually don't worry till the roof starts to peel off
or it floods (but a reef here as in much of Fiji stops most of the
surge).

Nothing to do but read, listen, watch a movie, wait and enjoy till the
coconuts start pummeling the roof. Will attempt fotos tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.

D.

www.davidmichaelmccullough.net
davidmccullough@gmail.com
+1 707 758 3358

25.1.08

South Pacific Dispatch / Navutu Stars Resort, Yaqueta Island, Fiji

January 25, 2008
Navutu Stars Resort, Yaqueta Island, Yasawa Island Group, Fiji

We have been here since Monday and this is really the first opportunity to write more extensively about the last few days. This is largely due to being so busy with a heavy schedule of going all over the place. We rise relatively late for US time, about 7:30 or 8 a.m. and leave around 9 or 9:30 a.m. via boat, usually about a half hour to 45 minute ride. We return late, around 5:30 – 6:30 but sometimes earlier. We have our presentation of yaqona (or kava) to the village, about 45 minutes and then set up shop for primary health care. We see about 100 people a day with two people on intake (weight, height, waist, blood pressure, chief complaint) and 3 doctors and me doing the diagnosis and treatment. I am very familiar with much of what we see, i.e., a lot of dermatological issues, hypertension, diabetes and so forth. I’ll kick a few issue up the line and we all get together to consult and learn – that is what I enjoy the most. I got to treat a few great wounds, boils, cuts and so forth. It is amazing what pain level the Fijian will accept with VERY little complaint or hint that it is so bad.
Another factor in living here is just the climate. Beautiful yes but the heat and humidity force you to slow down somewhat and that is just part of living here. Hard to get used to when you are used to a higher level of productivity and have to put out so much on a daily basis. Fiji time is real . . . with all the good and frustrations associated with it.
The last two days a few of us have been sick (flulike, vomiting, diarrhea, fever of up to 101F, chills, shaking). One of the owners of the resort was sick with the same thing the day we came in but there is no clear link. Today the group went off to another village for just three hours. I am staying here to treat two patients from Yaqueta Village. One had a boil on his Left little toe that became infected. He has had it for almost two months and by the time we saw it we all agree there is a strong chance of bone involvement. I irrigated the hell out of it, washed/soaked it with Hibiclens (a surgical scrub), did some minor debridement, packed it with some antibiotic ointment and wrapped it up. The Docs brought some Septra so we gave him a 14 day course of that. He is supposed to return today so here I wait.
I’ll get to see the operations of the resort today and by the way I most highly recommend the Navutu Stars Resort! They are great owners, very plush accommodations, great staff and very wonderful food. The owners are an Italian couple, Frederick and Magdalena and they have twins who are named Isabella and Giovanni. He is originally from Rome and she from Florence. He worked as a stockbroker in London for 10 years and her as an art dealer. They have owned this place for about four years but since they now have new twins, about 1 year old they are starting to think about their education and may move on at some point when the children are older. I plan on asking her advice on how to help my good friend Bill Cutler on promoting and getting wider exposure for his incredible art and talent.
I know that living here is a challenge but that eventually it becomes home. I don’t think I would want to live here full time but part of me does. The other part loves California, the coast, the Ridge Ranch, the town where I live, the people. I have always been restless and I guess, in my heart of hearts a wanderer of some sort. Maybe this is due to growing up as an Air Force brat, living around the world, an endless whirlwind of new places, Air Force Bases. Yet that being said it was not like that for a long time, till about 10 years old I think. But it always felt like I should be ready to leave, to pack up, and get excited about what new thing was around the corner. This is a very personal, deep down, gut level analysis and I have no ‘hard’ data. I have read some books about military children and my experience runs true across the board for many of them. I don’t think that my desire to see the world is a reflection of an inability to settle in a community and contribute – I try to do that no matter where I am. It is just that for me the wider world always beckons. I see global issues and while I may rage at my inability to affect some of the larger issues I will attempt to do what little I can . . . that is my ideal.
So before I go off and get all idealistic and ranting (or am I too late?!) I had better sign off here for the moment. Thanks for reading; I always appreciate it if anyone reads this!
David