My interview with MSF

I have had a day or part of one to reflect upon my interview with MSF. In retrospect I think I may have appeared too eager (but how could one not be?). I would be excited to be a part of MSF and consider it an honor to even be interviewed. I was asked the usual questions one would expect . . . why MSF? Why now? My answer to why now was that I am now ready, ready with my skills, in my personal life but most importantly I can no longer afford to NOT go. By that I mean that my conscience demands action. When I see people, friends, whoever it might be react to the archetypical 'suffering' image in the news with pity, sadness or tears, my reaction is one of frustration, I think some disgust, some anger in that what use is pity (if that is truly what it is)? Is not action better? Pity and sorrow sometime come cheaply and all too easily. Empathy is a better thing but it too remains meaningless without concrete steps.

So how can I stay where I am without becoming less human than I strive to be? I cannot say what is true and right for others confronted by this choice. I have no children or family of my own. In part, whatever legacy I leave behind, whatever memories I create . . . I want to have meaning, to have mattered, to have made a difference. In the end analysis, it is a selfish thing but if much good is accomplished, if I have proverbially touched the life of another human being to give them a chance at life - then it is enough at this moment in time. I will have lived a life with meaning and given something, however small, back to society, to something larger than myself.

When it has become easier to take action by leaving to do humanitarian work then I know it is time to go. It is increasingly untenable and difficult to simply stand by even though I work as a nurse in the San Francisco Veterans Hospital. Need exist everywhere but the degree of need differs so greatly.

Did I do justice to my motivations in my MSF interview? I partly did but I will reflect more and in my thank you letter I hope to further and better articulate my motivations but also to ask better questions. My hopes are not up at this point but I know my references are good, truthful and will give them a true picture of who I am, what my skills are and they will not 'sugarcoat' the excellent recommendation they will provide. So whatever lacked in my interview I hope will be made up in my letter and subsequent discussions with those who support me.

As a bicyclist (both mountain and road) I like the saying I have seen on bicycle jersey's, "Shut up and ride". I am applying this attitude to myself now.

David

Ceiling of Union station, Washington DC. Familiar ground, albeit last
seen in 1989, a lifetime ago.

View from NYC's Penn station.

In line for the Amtrak Acela train to Washington DC. Just finished my
MSF interview. Felt true, right and good, like a culmination of my
life skills. However, I remain plagued with second guessing on how
well I interviewed. Specifically, did I ask the right questions of
them?! In my heart I know this is my correct path and I remain
committed. Thanks for reading.

David

This is what I love - my head, dreams, conceptions - all cracking open
in a heady rushing confluence of life. Challenged and cherished. Into
NYC tonight, my super shuttle driver is also super nice (from Haiti
originally). So I joke with him, we laugh, I help with bags and soon?
The beginnings of friendship. He drives miles out of his way at the
end of a long day to pay our respects at the World Trade Center site.

I'm out of my 'comfortable' life. Duty, empathy and witnessing calls.

David

Aloha,

I'm flying East to NYC for my interview with Medicines sans Frontieres
- I'm at 35,000 feet with full Internet access at $13 for the flight.
I'll simply upload this missive later. What a difference with a new
plane (airbus 320). . . flying on Virgin America with an outstanding
flight crew. They are very professional yet still retain that joie de
vive and friendliness that are clearly hallmarks of those who love
their work.

Just finished reading Hope in Hell (by Tom Bortolotti) about MSF. A
great but very sobering read so I highly recommend it. I'm also just
beginning to read, An Imperfect Offering (James orbinski) by a past
President of MSF.

So in the height of luxury I ponder where and how I will be in six
months.

More soon. Thanks for reading

D

Sunset, Hwy One & Meyers Grade Road.

New Year

The constancy of change
Begets melancholia of sweetness
To revel in past exploits
And in the love besotted hearts of youth.

Were it not for you
I'd tear from the fibers of my heart
A minute reprieve
From the vicissitudes of warring hearts.

Yet far shores beckon
Shelter sought in as yet strange bays
Soon to be called home,
yet as unfamiliar to me as the unintended consequence of your love.

The view from near the top of Meyers Grade. This is somewhere near
where Black Bart held up a stagecoach. My view when I am leaving my
house (about 8 miles South).

Zippy Singer on left, myself on the right. It was cold!

Snow and hail mountain bike ride. You would not believe it but a half
hour after this foto we finished our ride in snow and hail. What
beauty amidst the chaos! More fotos to follow!

December 8, 2008

One view of a 1906 earthquake lake at Plantation Farm Camp. Taken on
one of our daily mountain bike rides on Seaview Ridge. Nice and
beautiful to share this with community in a beautiful place now called
home.

David

A Brief Update

Aloha - I am now living on my Family ranch by myself and working on call at two different hospitals. One of them is the Veterans Administration Hospital in San Francisco. I am working toward paying off my one credit card debt to free myself from being enslaved for the rest of my life financially. I also continue to work toward moving out of the United States and am applying for positions with Medicins Sans Frontieres, International Medical Corps and other organizations similar to them.

I was to return to Fiji this coming January but to my great sadness and chagrin I feel that I must do the 'right' thing and am unwilling to spend so much on so short a time in Fiji. That money will be better spent on going to pay off my debt for a quicker departure to work overseas.

Thanks for reading.

David

A Poem after Class

Aloha - I took a brief class from the Red Cross in International Humanitarian Law. I wrote this during class.


Caught up in the tides of history,
I am no longer am what or who I was.
But then, no one is.

Beliefs shattered, remade, forged,
behind these walls of stone or flesh or blood or mind,
I was not a warrior, who visited death upon others nor did it visit me.

Then, swept up in the tides and spoils of war,
I succumbed to the pull of circumstance and violence visited upon me.
War was an unwelcome visitor whom I tried to bar at the door with my tears.

All too soon it became my most intimate companion.
It became my wife, my lover, my succubus, a brother, a sister, a father and mother. Cradled at the breast of war I soon knew naught else.

Yet it was, is and remains my abhorrence.
I deny violence yet am capable of it.
Give me a gun of paper,
I will write you to death.
Give me a gun of steel and I will, I will, I will . . . .

Who are you to take the life of the ones I love,
my son, daughter, lover and wife and mother, father, brother and sister.

Who are you? Shiva Death the destroyer of worlds?
Let anyone who thinks they cannot kill,
the blood of the ones they love upon their breast.
The choice to kill determines the path they will write upon their dying heart.

Blessed are the Peacemakers for I know them not yet I shiver in hope that the path of peace is upon us as the blessing of Allah.

It is winter now, at least for what passes for Winter here in Northern California. My mood can be so tied to the season. Cultural imperatives set aside, I shall embrace what the season brings . . . not the artificial forced happiness go juice fed to us by corporate drones the world over. No, for me I will take the dark renewal of winter, the gentle rain on Redwood Boughs, the sprinkle of winter fog on ferns and meadow grass. Perhaps this time is the time to think again of what our lives are about, to remember, anticipate, plan, reflect and renew commitments both new and made long ago.

November 2008

A Poem unmeant for Reading

It, it is the ocean of my soul that I commit to you and it is does not heed the you or I or me and its only cares are the care we let it have.

I thought I knew love and you and myself.

But I know that now, at last, I know nothing. That everything that was . . .
was that dream
we all have it . . . a lovers glance, a wink, a nod . . .
then to awaken a different life.

I see this rock in the ocean sand, the claw of a lovers scrabble buried deep,
the endless tide of love and wash of wave and sleep and desire.

Oh my love did I not love you and did you not love me?

I saw the printed words upon the pages left for you.
I have the solidness and well meant words intended for me!

Should we be shamed in our deceit?
Without intent we love in that moment and it last . . .
in a moment I lived a life with you of babies and grandchildren
idealized and perfected without pain, hurt, agony, to roil us so.

Only you passed me in my life.
I in yours.
glimpsing possibilities in reflections of lustful waves of longing
submerged, deep with light and air, gasping hoping for love.


David McCullough
November 11, 2008

That the Divisions of Eight Years will End

At long last, the nightmare of deceit, lies, treachery and personal enrichment can begin to be challenged. At long last there can begin to be a beginning to the end of a government of hypocrisy and impulses that are a betrayal of the beliefs that this country was supposedly founded upon.

I rejoice in President Elect Obama's victory. It is mine and many others greatest fear that he will be assassinated. I would do almost anything to make sure that this will not happen. I wish the Secret Service the best of luck, planning, and intelligence in their effort to avoid the loss of POTUS and any of their principles.

This is a great victory and the beginning of hope for many Americans. At last I can once again live in a country where I am proud of the ideals we are supposed to espouse, encourage and live. I want to be proud to be an American and it is my hope that is possible.

I sat there and cried with the people of America as President-Elect Obama gave his acceptance speech. I am moved by what he said, scripted to death or not, it was a moving, inspirational and magnificent speech. The danger therein is of expectations raised too high and I fear for him, his family and the people of this nation.

It is incumbent upon us to walk with him, at every level to participate in this democracy - such as it is. I am guilty of too high a level of cynicism and pessimism and perhaps have led me to not participate as much as I should have and needed to. It will be my goal to investigate how to end that and begin to take part.

Thank you President-Elect Obama. You have given me my pride back, my hope and an idea that perhaps, just maybe . . . Yes, We Can!

Love of Pablo

Someone sent a comment on my Thursday, Sept 25, 2008 post of a poem I wrote. I am unsure if I have written of my love of Pablo Neruda's poems. I know so little of him but I love his work, his descriptions, his incredible portraits, cadence, story-telling and so much more.

So it was such a gift from an anonymous commentator and I thank you, whomever you are for sharing this poem of Pablo's for me. I can only hope my reading of his work is branded upon my soul, heart and brain.

I wish that I was a better communicator than I am and thought I was! When I read Pablo . . . there is cautious hope singing in my veins and heart and blood.

Mahalo, thank you and gracias my anonymous commentator. You have honored me.

David

The Vote on November 4, 2008

I live in Northern California right now and this is how I voted in the November 2008 election. I researched a lot but a very valuable site was: http://ballotpedia.org/wiki/index.php/California_2008_ballot_measures


Barack Obama
Lynn Woolsey (U.S. Representative)
Wesley Chesbro (Ca. State Assembly)
Prop 1A (High Speed Rail) YES
Prop 2 Farm Animal Cage YES
Prop 3 Childrens Hospital YES
Prop 4 Abortion Waiting Period NO
Prop 5 Drug Treatment/Rehab YES
Prop 6 Police/Law NO (hard to believe but read the fine print)
Prop 7 Renewable Energy Generation NO (cannot believe this but read the fine print)
Prop 8 Eliminates right to marry NO (and hell no at that people!)
Prop 9 Victims Rights NO (once again, read the fine print but sounds good.
Prop 10 Alternative Fuels/Energy NO (Mahalo to T. Boone Pickens for this one)
Prop 11 Redistricting YES
Prop 12 Veteran's Bonds Act YES
Sonoma County 5th District Supervisor: Rue Furch
Measure Q, Sonoma Marin Area Rail Transit District YES (and hell YES people!)

I did my best to read as much as I could but I really hope I was not tricked or read something improperly or was not thorough enough. The great thing is though that at the very least . . . I have the right and the opportunity to vote. The time is critical for so many of us Americans now. I am afraid that if McCain does win by some amazing fluke or manipulation of the vote that there will be a revolution, and perhaps a violent one, or certainly great unrest in this country. I would take to the streets myself to protest a McCain win but really, what the hell does that mean?

What so concerns me is that Americans are beginning to lose confidence in the voting process not to mention their government. This must change.

Thanks for reading.

David

International Medical Work

Aloha and so at last I am finally going to do this and do it right. I am putting out applications to a number of Non Governmental Organizations (NGOs) doing sustainable development work, capacity building in the medical sector (or not). I recently talked with the Director of SEVA.org (Mark Lancaster) in Berkeley, California. Even if I need to volunteer first then I am going to go people

I just could not stand it anymore or maybe stand myself? Time to do not to talk.

Thanks for reading,

David

Catching up my Stream of Consciousness

Hey Glen, Sorry for the lack of response.  I will make this short as I want to answer - finally.

So to catch you up . . . .

I like nursing but hate hospitals and how we do medicine in this country. 

I continue to work for metropolitan medical group at:

https://www.metropolitan.md/
http://www.redwood.md/
http://www.noeclinic.com/

all the same business really.  I do online work for them, reviewing labs, med request, triage over the phone all online from home or the coffee shop.  Maybe a possibility of doing more with them, managing or whatever.  Working on that.

Talking with http://www.imcworldwide.org/section/join/
also.  They may have something for me, may have to volunteer first, we'll see. Looks good though.

Why all this now you ask?  How long have I been yakking about it Glen?  How long waiting for things to improve with you know who?  That is why - am sick of that state of the state, sick of the state of my state so to speak. Not running but seizing the moment, carpe diem.  In that respect, I do not have much of a choice left.

It feels that my vision is just and that it is 'beyond' many of the people in America.  Does not make me better, far from it.  Am I just more selfish? The mindless consumption and endless buy,debt cycle keeps our great American economy grinding down the rest of those foreigners to keep us on top.  I am sick of that too.

At the heart of much of this?  My stance as a do gooder is in danger because all I am doing is talking. Time to cut that bullshit out so I called IMC.  If that does not work, I'll find someone else that will take me.  Maybe I will apply to an APCD slot with Peace Corps!

So I will end here, sorry for the very much stream of consciousness rant but I know you are laughing.  I miss friends like you Glen, I really do.  I want to travel more to see friends like you and to really feel like I am at least making whatever vain attempts to make the world a more equitable, more sane, less consumptive place.  In the end, it is my only hope for some semblance of sanity and redemption.

I remain as ever,

Your Friend.

Back from Eureka, California

Aloha and it was a beautiful drive up and back but happy to be home. I work tomorrow morning and then later in the day give the International Medical Corps a call in Washington D.C. to inquire about volunteer / work opportunities. It is late now but I remain hopeful, if not for the economy!

David Byrne and Brian Eno

Aloha - I am very excited about seeing David Byrne and Brian Eno October 8 in Santa Rosa, California. I first heard the Talking Heads when I was at UCLA and just before I left for Fiji with the Peace Corps. They carried me through Fiji, a home away from home in my head. I spent hours walking down deserted beaches, from village to village, or just to get away with my Walkman cassette player - hey, it was 1985 and I was 24 years old ok?! Amazing and beautiful.

So there you have it. Beauty amidst the clamor, the village of my dreams. Thanks David - looking forward to seeing you.

Resolving our individual needs to grow beyond what we are.

Many times over half the battle is to recognize that you are not meant to do some things in life. For me I have loved the ER and I am excellent with patients and their psychological needs. Those very interpersonal communication skills I am so damn good at (and have received many compliments from patients and staff alike) make me peculiarly unsuited for the Emergency World. I love EMS when in the field - no time to talk anyway.

So the big push now is to find a position in the world using my Masters in Community Psychology, medical background and international experience. I don't want to be 'just' a nurse (God bless em!).

So now, having given word to this, ACTION!

More at: http://www.linkedin.com/profile?viewProfile=&key=23690659&trk=tab_pro

Hey baby, I sat here in Costco
Heard the worshipping voices of prosperity,
Wondered at the ending of meaning
When I brushed against your message from long ago.

You may be dead and gone
But sure as hell not
From my heart
As I hear your voice
My friend your voice
Of Scotch fueled Jazz
Till 3 O in the morn

Then the message ends.
But not our memory,
Fran you wild woman
What do I do without your insane sanity?

I'll never listen to Oscar, Trane, Miles,
Or any of our faves,
Without laughing with you.
Message received
Message ends
Scotch & Jazz flies baby . . .
You listening?
Yeah baby, yeah.

Your eyes have the look of promises.
Promises that cannot be kept but are wanted with quiet desperation.
Where would it carry us this naked lust and longing I have laid bare
before you?

To no
Uncertain end I am sure
Upon a shore of unknown origin
A species unknown
But loved unknown
To the ends of known space.

Enveloped by you
I,
I seek freedom,
And you.

The leaves of Fall begin to make themselves known. The long winter
beckons. Nature sleeps, gathering, waiting for rebirth. Darkness falls
sooner, I long for renewal and paths untraveled, for one who treasures
me and not themself above all others.

Focus on the platform, NOT the Shoe platforms!

I heard and read on the news this morning that sales of the shoes and glasses that Sarah Palin wore at the Convention have shot through the roof. So the message is that people are focusing on personalities and in general not what they stand for or what they do.

I am guilty of this at times . . . I cannot state every single position of any candidate. I do not care about their glasses or shoes.

Let's focus on what they say they will do, how they have lived their lives, their values and how effective they have been in public service and representing the people they were elected to represent.

That is just me though and I have clearly been in the minority for a long time. Leaving the country if the Republicans get in power is starting to sound like a very attractive option. The country is being dominated by undereducated, racist, giant truck driving rednecks that hate immigrants and can't think critically. That is who is going to elect John McCain - patriots without thought, who fly the flag strapped to their car or truck but cannot even find Iraq or Afghanistan on the map. Makes me ashamed to be an American, still proud of what we can be but not of what we are now or are becoming.

David

An update . . . of sorts.

I have not had much to say of late so at least an update is in order - for me to read if nothing else.

I continue to work a lot of hours at my hospital. We are soon going to 'basic' status meaning two nurses on at all times. On a practical level that means going to 12.5 hour shifts; longer days but more days off at a time.

I also continue to work my second job about 10 hours a week doing online medical work for a doctors group out of San Francisco.

The money I make is going toward paying off my debt, now down to about $9,700. I hope to have it down below 9000 by the end of September. Complicating this process is the fact that I am buying a truck from a good friend of mine and am diverting some money toward payments, for luckily he is flexible enough to allow that.

Then today I had my 1992 Volvo 740 Turbo Wagon in the garage for some work I needed done that I could not do. It appears that the head gasket is slowly going (meaning that it could fail at any point). The engine has almost 250,000 miles on it now so I want to begin saving for a rebuilt engine. The mechanic I use has a 'short' block available so I can essentially piggyback most of my engine onto it potentially saving a bit of money by doing so. My air conditioner system is new as are many other pieces on the car so it is more logical to rehab the car then sell at this point (I neglected to mention I just replace the rear shocks and springs with overheight springs and Koni Shocks from Holland).

Reminds me of the old quip 'I owe, I owe so off to work I go'. So very American capitalist. Well, my hope is that I will retire my debt (no car work will go on the credit card), have a car that is 'new' (interior is being fixed/renewed, new suspension and now a new engine) and the future reveals itself to us in all its glory.

Sure, get right on that would you bucky?