December 8, 2008

One view of a 1906 earthquake lake at Plantation Farm Camp. Taken on
one of our daily mountain bike rides on Seaview Ridge. Nice and
beautiful to share this with community in a beautiful place now called
home.

David

A Brief Update

Aloha - I am now living on my Family ranch by myself and working on call at two different hospitals. One of them is the Veterans Administration Hospital in San Francisco. I am working toward paying off my one credit card debt to free myself from being enslaved for the rest of my life financially. I also continue to work toward moving out of the United States and am applying for positions with Medicins Sans Frontieres, International Medical Corps and other organizations similar to them.

I was to return to Fiji this coming January but to my great sadness and chagrin I feel that I must do the 'right' thing and am unwilling to spend so much on so short a time in Fiji. That money will be better spent on going to pay off my debt for a quicker departure to work overseas.

Thanks for reading.

David

A Poem after Class

Aloha - I took a brief class from the Red Cross in International Humanitarian Law. I wrote this during class.


Caught up in the tides of history,
I am no longer am what or who I was.
But then, no one is.

Beliefs shattered, remade, forged,
behind these walls of stone or flesh or blood or mind,
I was not a warrior, who visited death upon others nor did it visit me.

Then, swept up in the tides and spoils of war,
I succumbed to the pull of circumstance and violence visited upon me.
War was an unwelcome visitor whom I tried to bar at the door with my tears.

All too soon it became my most intimate companion.
It became my wife, my lover, my succubus, a brother, a sister, a father and mother. Cradled at the breast of war I soon knew naught else.

Yet it was, is and remains my abhorrence.
I deny violence yet am capable of it.
Give me a gun of paper,
I will write you to death.
Give me a gun of steel and I will, I will, I will . . . .

Who are you to take the life of the ones I love,
my son, daughter, lover and wife and mother, father, brother and sister.

Who are you? Shiva Death the destroyer of worlds?
Let anyone who thinks they cannot kill,
the blood of the ones they love upon their breast.
The choice to kill determines the path they will write upon their dying heart.

Blessed are the Peacemakers for I know them not yet I shiver in hope that the path of peace is upon us as the blessing of Allah.

It is winter now, at least for what passes for Winter here in Northern California. My mood can be so tied to the season. Cultural imperatives set aside, I shall embrace what the season brings . . . not the artificial forced happiness go juice fed to us by corporate drones the world over. No, for me I will take the dark renewal of winter, the gentle rain on Redwood Boughs, the sprinkle of winter fog on ferns and meadow grass. Perhaps this time is the time to think again of what our lives are about, to remember, anticipate, plan, reflect and renew commitments both new and made long ago.

November 2008

A Poem unmeant for Reading

It, it is the ocean of my soul that I commit to you and it is does not heed the you or I or me and its only cares are the care we let it have.

I thought I knew love and you and myself.

But I know that now, at last, I know nothing. That everything that was . . .
was that dream
we all have it . . . a lovers glance, a wink, a nod . . .
then to awaken a different life.

I see this rock in the ocean sand, the claw of a lovers scrabble buried deep,
the endless tide of love and wash of wave and sleep and desire.

Oh my love did I not love you and did you not love me?

I saw the printed words upon the pages left for you.
I have the solidness and well meant words intended for me!

Should we be shamed in our deceit?
Without intent we love in that moment and it last . . .
in a moment I lived a life with you of babies and grandchildren
idealized and perfected without pain, hurt, agony, to roil us so.

Only you passed me in my life.
I in yours.
glimpsing possibilities in reflections of lustful waves of longing
submerged, deep with light and air, gasping hoping for love.


David McCullough
November 11, 2008

That the Divisions of Eight Years will End

At long last, the nightmare of deceit, lies, treachery and personal enrichment can begin to be challenged. At long last there can begin to be a beginning to the end of a government of hypocrisy and impulses that are a betrayal of the beliefs that this country was supposedly founded upon.

I rejoice in President Elect Obama's victory. It is mine and many others greatest fear that he will be assassinated. I would do almost anything to make sure that this will not happen. I wish the Secret Service the best of luck, planning, and intelligence in their effort to avoid the loss of POTUS and any of their principles.

This is a great victory and the beginning of hope for many Americans. At last I can once again live in a country where I am proud of the ideals we are supposed to espouse, encourage and live. I want to be proud to be an American and it is my hope that is possible.

I sat there and cried with the people of America as President-Elect Obama gave his acceptance speech. I am moved by what he said, scripted to death or not, it was a moving, inspirational and magnificent speech. The danger therein is of expectations raised too high and I fear for him, his family and the people of this nation.

It is incumbent upon us to walk with him, at every level to participate in this democracy - such as it is. I am guilty of too high a level of cynicism and pessimism and perhaps have led me to not participate as much as I should have and needed to. It will be my goal to investigate how to end that and begin to take part.

Thank you President-Elect Obama. You have given me my pride back, my hope and an idea that perhaps, just maybe . . . Yes, We Can!

Love of Pablo

Someone sent a comment on my Thursday, Sept 25, 2008 post of a poem I wrote. I am unsure if I have written of my love of Pablo Neruda's poems. I know so little of him but I love his work, his descriptions, his incredible portraits, cadence, story-telling and so much more.

So it was such a gift from an anonymous commentator and I thank you, whomever you are for sharing this poem of Pablo's for me. I can only hope my reading of his work is branded upon my soul, heart and brain.

I wish that I was a better communicator than I am and thought I was! When I read Pablo . . . there is cautious hope singing in my veins and heart and blood.

Mahalo, thank you and gracias my anonymous commentator. You have honored me.

David

The Vote on November 4, 2008

I live in Northern California right now and this is how I voted in the November 2008 election. I researched a lot but a very valuable site was: http://ballotpedia.org/wiki/index.php/California_2008_ballot_measures


Barack Obama
Lynn Woolsey (U.S. Representative)
Wesley Chesbro (Ca. State Assembly)
Prop 1A (High Speed Rail) YES
Prop 2 Farm Animal Cage YES
Prop 3 Childrens Hospital YES
Prop 4 Abortion Waiting Period NO
Prop 5 Drug Treatment/Rehab YES
Prop 6 Police/Law NO (hard to believe but read the fine print)
Prop 7 Renewable Energy Generation NO (cannot believe this but read the fine print)
Prop 8 Eliminates right to marry NO (and hell no at that people!)
Prop 9 Victims Rights NO (once again, read the fine print but sounds good.
Prop 10 Alternative Fuels/Energy NO (Mahalo to T. Boone Pickens for this one)
Prop 11 Redistricting YES
Prop 12 Veteran's Bonds Act YES
Sonoma County 5th District Supervisor: Rue Furch
Measure Q, Sonoma Marin Area Rail Transit District YES (and hell YES people!)

I did my best to read as much as I could but I really hope I was not tricked or read something improperly or was not thorough enough. The great thing is though that at the very least . . . I have the right and the opportunity to vote. The time is critical for so many of us Americans now. I am afraid that if McCain does win by some amazing fluke or manipulation of the vote that there will be a revolution, and perhaps a violent one, or certainly great unrest in this country. I would take to the streets myself to protest a McCain win but really, what the hell does that mean?

What so concerns me is that Americans are beginning to lose confidence in the voting process not to mention their government. This must change.

Thanks for reading.

David

International Medical Work

Aloha and so at last I am finally going to do this and do it right. I am putting out applications to a number of Non Governmental Organizations (NGOs) doing sustainable development work, capacity building in the medical sector (or not). I recently talked with the Director of SEVA.org (Mark Lancaster) in Berkeley, California. Even if I need to volunteer first then I am going to go people

I just could not stand it anymore or maybe stand myself? Time to do not to talk.

Thanks for reading,

David

Catching up my Stream of Consciousness

Hey Glen, Sorry for the lack of response.  I will make this short as I want to answer - finally.

So to catch you up . . . .

I like nursing but hate hospitals and how we do medicine in this country. 

I continue to work for metropolitan medical group at:

https://www.metropolitan.md/
http://www.redwood.md/
http://www.noeclinic.com/

all the same business really.  I do online work for them, reviewing labs, med request, triage over the phone all online from home or the coffee shop.  Maybe a possibility of doing more with them, managing or whatever.  Working on that.

Talking with http://www.imcworldwide.org/section/join/
also.  They may have something for me, may have to volunteer first, we'll see. Looks good though.

Why all this now you ask?  How long have I been yakking about it Glen?  How long waiting for things to improve with you know who?  That is why - am sick of that state of the state, sick of the state of my state so to speak. Not running but seizing the moment, carpe diem.  In that respect, I do not have much of a choice left.

It feels that my vision is just and that it is 'beyond' many of the people in America.  Does not make me better, far from it.  Am I just more selfish? The mindless consumption and endless buy,debt cycle keeps our great American economy grinding down the rest of those foreigners to keep us on top.  I am sick of that too.

At the heart of much of this?  My stance as a do gooder is in danger because all I am doing is talking. Time to cut that bullshit out so I called IMC.  If that does not work, I'll find someone else that will take me.  Maybe I will apply to an APCD slot with Peace Corps!

So I will end here, sorry for the very much stream of consciousness rant but I know you are laughing.  I miss friends like you Glen, I really do.  I want to travel more to see friends like you and to really feel like I am at least making whatever vain attempts to make the world a more equitable, more sane, less consumptive place.  In the end, it is my only hope for some semblance of sanity and redemption.

I remain as ever,

Your Friend.

Back from Eureka, California

Aloha and it was a beautiful drive up and back but happy to be home. I work tomorrow morning and then later in the day give the International Medical Corps a call in Washington D.C. to inquire about volunteer / work opportunities. It is late now but I remain hopeful, if not for the economy!

David Byrne and Brian Eno

Aloha - I am very excited about seeing David Byrne and Brian Eno October 8 in Santa Rosa, California. I first heard the Talking Heads when I was at UCLA and just before I left for Fiji with the Peace Corps. They carried me through Fiji, a home away from home in my head. I spent hours walking down deserted beaches, from village to village, or just to get away with my Walkman cassette player - hey, it was 1985 and I was 24 years old ok?! Amazing and beautiful.

So there you have it. Beauty amidst the clamor, the village of my dreams. Thanks David - looking forward to seeing you.

Resolving our individual needs to grow beyond what we are.

Many times over half the battle is to recognize that you are not meant to do some things in life. For me I have loved the ER and I am excellent with patients and their psychological needs. Those very interpersonal communication skills I am so damn good at (and have received many compliments from patients and staff alike) make me peculiarly unsuited for the Emergency World. I love EMS when in the field - no time to talk anyway.

So the big push now is to find a position in the world using my Masters in Community Psychology, medical background and international experience. I don't want to be 'just' a nurse (God bless em!).

So now, having given word to this, ACTION!

More at: http://www.linkedin.com/profile?viewProfile=&key=23690659&trk=tab_pro

Hey baby, I sat here in Costco
Heard the worshipping voices of prosperity,
Wondered at the ending of meaning
When I brushed against your message from long ago.

You may be dead and gone
But sure as hell not
From my heart
As I hear your voice
My friend your voice
Of Scotch fueled Jazz
Till 3 O in the morn

Then the message ends.
But not our memory,
Fran you wild woman
What do I do without your insane sanity?

I'll never listen to Oscar, Trane, Miles,
Or any of our faves,
Without laughing with you.
Message received
Message ends
Scotch & Jazz flies baby . . .
You listening?
Yeah baby, yeah.

Your eyes have the look of promises.
Promises that cannot be kept but are wanted with quiet desperation.
Where would it carry us this naked lust and longing I have laid bare
before you?

To no
Uncertain end I am sure
Upon a shore of unknown origin
A species unknown
But loved unknown
To the ends of known space.

Enveloped by you
I,
I seek freedom,
And you.

The leaves of Fall begin to make themselves known. The long winter
beckons. Nature sleeps, gathering, waiting for rebirth. Darkness falls
sooner, I long for renewal and paths untraveled, for one who treasures
me and not themself above all others.

Focus on the platform, NOT the Shoe platforms!

I heard and read on the news this morning that sales of the shoes and glasses that Sarah Palin wore at the Convention have shot through the roof. So the message is that people are focusing on personalities and in general not what they stand for or what they do.

I am guilty of this at times . . . I cannot state every single position of any candidate. I do not care about their glasses or shoes.

Let's focus on what they say they will do, how they have lived their lives, their values and how effective they have been in public service and representing the people they were elected to represent.

That is just me though and I have clearly been in the minority for a long time. Leaving the country if the Republicans get in power is starting to sound like a very attractive option. The country is being dominated by undereducated, racist, giant truck driving rednecks that hate immigrants and can't think critically. That is who is going to elect John McCain - patriots without thought, who fly the flag strapped to their car or truck but cannot even find Iraq or Afghanistan on the map. Makes me ashamed to be an American, still proud of what we can be but not of what we are now or are becoming.

David

An update . . . of sorts.

I have not had much to say of late so at least an update is in order - for me to read if nothing else.

I continue to work a lot of hours at my hospital. We are soon going to 'basic' status meaning two nurses on at all times. On a practical level that means going to 12.5 hour shifts; longer days but more days off at a time.

I also continue to work my second job about 10 hours a week doing online medical work for a doctors group out of San Francisco.

The money I make is going toward paying off my debt, now down to about $9,700. I hope to have it down below 9000 by the end of September. Complicating this process is the fact that I am buying a truck from a good friend of mine and am diverting some money toward payments, for luckily he is flexible enough to allow that.

Then today I had my 1992 Volvo 740 Turbo Wagon in the garage for some work I needed done that I could not do. It appears that the head gasket is slowly going (meaning that it could fail at any point). The engine has almost 250,000 miles on it now so I want to begin saving for a rebuilt engine. The mechanic I use has a 'short' block available so I can essentially piggyback most of my engine onto it potentially saving a bit of money by doing so. My air conditioner system is new as are many other pieces on the car so it is more logical to rehab the car then sell at this point (I neglected to mention I just replace the rear shocks and springs with overheight springs and Koni Shocks from Holland).

Reminds me of the old quip 'I owe, I owe so off to work I go'. So very American capitalist. Well, my hope is that I will retire my debt (no car work will go on the credit card), have a car that is 'new' (interior is being fixed/renewed, new suspension and now a new engine) and the future reveals itself to us in all its glory.

Sure, get right on that would you bucky?

Miscellaneous Updates; Mozy.com, Iphone, Mobile Me

Aloha - luckily enough I have not had my computer crash ever but it was only a few years ago that I instituted a regular backup regimen for my computer using Syncback at home (to an external hard drive) and remotely using mozy.com. I recommend Mozy - easy, fast (once the original backup is complete) and reliable.

I updated my Iphone recently to the 2.0 version and I like it. More useful than ever, still dependable but I have noticed a bit of a lag in some of the programs. Might be a glitch that is fixed in the future but I am not even using my full 8 gigs yet. Hmmm? Tempted to get the 16 gig new phone but I know by the end of the year we will have the 32 gigabyte models out - I am betting someone a few movies on that - any takers?

So I fell into the Mobile Me world - thought I could at least give it a try and see if I can use it. I wanted to do that with Gmail which is and will remain my main and only email. Syncing the address book with my Iphone was almost impossible (also the calender). I absolutely hate double data entry problems, just won't do it.

That's about it for now. Nothing earthshaking. Working a lot at the ER and at home online. Some changes afoot, difficult but welcome.

D.

It is quite a challenge to write about a man. In being given that honor, it is often assumed that the writer knows the subject well and as such, has some authority to elucidate and reflect. In this effort to convey something of the nature of another person, we face a daunting and intimidating task. How does one sum up a life? This I cannot do, so like all good writers I’ve read will write what I know.

To set this stage and attempt to maintain honesty and integrity, I must say that I do not know Al well. Part of me feels that I do and I wish to know him better. I am unsure this is relevant because the time spent with him has been rich and meaningful. In my quest for honesty in what I write, one should know that while I consider Al a friend, I realized in recent months that he has also somewhat assumed the role of a father figure. Part of me searches for this just as anyone who has lost their own father searches for their father’s face or voice in those older men they meet.

But Al is nothing like my father and I do not want nor need him as a father. Whatever differences we may have, he is my friend. I admire Al and love him yet do not know him well as I wish to. What I do know, I deeply respect, like and love. He has listened and freely shared his thoughts, advice and empathy. He has willingly shared the benefit of his life experience and learning.

Many of you may know something of the physical challenges Al has faced. As an emergency room nurse I have seen great suffering, pain and death. Yet Al faces his suffering with a matter of fact attitude and little complaint – for the most part and never to me. This is an example many could and should emulate.

Some of our greatest moments or memories of others that have touched our lives are those timeless moments where we simply know the pleasure of existence with another human being. These moments of memory are not defined by what is said, but by the shared silence of being together, of sharing precious moments that seem so innocuous at that instant . . . but are remembered forever.

These words I write will not be remembered and rightfully so. However, Al is a memorable man. I have seldom heard the sheer amount and incredible variety of limericks issue out of one man’s mouth. Whether it is barbecuing steaks over gin & tonic or a late night telling jokes around the kitchen table, he is, hands down, one of the funniest people I have ever known. I treasure this man. Of course we have our differences but the key is that we do not care about the differences as much as we care about spending time and sharing common humanity with the other. For in the end . . . we have so little of that with each other.

Al, I am sorry to not be here but you know, in your heart of hearts I think . . . that I am here. I love you and Audrey; you are my friend and most of all I miss laughing with you both. You have been a good example for me and I thank you. Have a wonderful Birthday!

Moving, changes, Bohemian Grove and so forth.

Aloha - I will be leaving Sebastopol to live on my family's 150 acre ranch for at least a part of each month. The days I work at my ER gig I will have to rent a hotel room or something somewhere while I am in Healdsburg.

I have about one day off this month between all my jobs at Healdsburg, the Bohemian Grove medical gig and my online nursing work. Too much, but for one month it can be done, albeit with some difficulty!

There is a Peace Corps Fiji I reunion in Healdsburg this month and I am invited to that so am very excited about that. Conflicts with the Boho job but trying to work that out.

The change thing is hard, much sadness to endings of relationships, staying away from blame but also to take responsibility for your own part is so important. I'll be working intensively on my own head for the next year (especially) to get clarity surrounding this whole thing. Enough said about that but it will be hard work, good work and exciting to discover what is next on this journey.

Not much to say I guess, but there I am.

D.

My friend - John Wunder

This post is about me although it is entitled John Wunder. I say that because it is the living who are reserved the privilege to write about the dead. I cannot even really say that John was a friend since I only knew him for a few years and then . . . only at a distance. So to be fair, to be completely accurate . . . he was my neighbor.

We were the type of neighbors that talk over the fence or as we met over work that took us out into the world of fences that need mending or grass, with its unique sweet smell, needs cutting. There was that occasional cup of coffee on a cool Sonoma morning.

So I write this in memory of my memory of John because I am unsure as to how many friends that he has or if anyone will write of him. In this unforeseen way, I will remember him and selfishly, I hope that someone someday may remember me or the deeds that I have done or of some contribution I have made. Is this not what we all want? To be remembered? Loved? Thought well of?

So about my neighbor John, some words that come to mind - gruff - loyal - stubborn - dismissive - hard worker - practical - smoker - dead from smoking - friendly - unassuming - but these are not the sum total of a man's life are they? Of course not . . . and with John there was much unsaid.

Look, we all live our lives with so much unsaid. Some live their lives as caricatures of what might be or what they think they are or hope to be. I am not sure if he did but paramount to me was that John seemed stubborn in his pursuit of some type of honesty - with himself and others. It was far too complicated of a thing to try and unravel - especially now that he is dead.

It was the simplicity of sharing time together that had meaning for us. In growing up I did not understand what being a neighbor, a good neighbor could be. But that sharing of your time can be a sacred moment, a fun time, a time rife and hidden with meaning that only becomes clear when more wisdom, however hard won, comes our way.

When he was dying, the last time I saw him was in this hovel of a nursing home. Staffed with probably good staff, undergoing renovation, it was not a place I would like to die. I guess it does not matter for at the end it is irrelevant in some fashion, where the dying will take place for soon, you become unaware. Let me interject here that I spend a year and a half working in Palliative Care working with people who were actively dying and working with their families. I have hard experience and know how death looks, smells and feels - to the living mind you, to the living.

So I sat there in his room as he signed his will so hastily drawn up on my computer a few months ago. I held his hand, that strong hand of his that had built the fence going down the driveway, where we had cleared it of pestiferous ivy and had our conversations and late night hellos around. This fence did not separate but brought two very different people together for conversations. Surface as they could sometimes be, I enjoyed them and his company.

Holding his hand, looking in his eyes, his eyes met mine and he shook his head and I mine, in unspoken acknowledgment that this was indeed the time of his death. We had talked about it before but this time . . . there was no need. He had done his best, I had done what I could with whatever demands I had in my own life, to assist him.

I was not there when he died but I said my goodbyes that day when I held his hand for the longest time. I did him no favors. I only did what I could, it was nothing special. Although I could not have done more, I will always wish that I could have. But he had made his choices in his life and I think in the end, he looked at his life and finally accepted it, his death, his life, his mistakes, everything. That is it you see, we can either make peace or we will not.

There is such a thing as a good death. These words I write are my own, they belong to no one and only to my creation of them, they are not a reflection of anyone except my experience of this man, this neighbor, this casual friend who died. John’s death was his own, it was not a bad one; he had love and support from others around him that stuck with him through life and now, at last, through death. If there is some reward for this type of faith, let it come upon those who take upon themselves this sacred duty. Sometimes there is no choice.

So John and I shook hands, shook our heads in silent agreement, grinned at each other grimly and smiled. As drugged up as he was . . . he knew the score and so did I. I told him I'd see him again and I walked out of that room and he died two days later.

I'll miss him.

Santa Rosa Cyclery

Happy Trails Indeed - I bought my Santa Cruz from them about six years ago and was very happy when they split off and got their own shop. I know Mitch and have always gotten great service from all of the gang at the shop. Good to hear from someone else that has patronized their fine establishment. I like the website too at:

http://www.santarosacyclery.com/

Thanks for reading,

David

What Bike for Annandale?

My thanks to whomever wrote in asking my thoughts about if their bicycle might be appropriate to Annandale. They don't have a full suspension and I do not think that is a problem I rode for years on a hardtail,in fact it was an older Trek 750 (?)mountain bike with no suspension at all. When I finally upgraded to a Santa Cruz Light I was amazed at the amount of control that I had.

Back to the question - I think a hybrid would work just great on most of the trails in Annandale. There is a huge variety of trails, single track, double, giant freeways of roads composed of gravel, hardpacked dirt and so on and so forth. A hybrid would be great for this and of course much would depend on how much suspension you have on the bike. There is a trail called Rough Go that you may want to be careful if you go on. It is beyond my skill level except when I get off and walk in many parts of it. I neither have the skill level or the training to successfully and safely make it up and down without walking at some point.

Much of my riding is done on the coast up near Timber Cove on nicely carpeted fire roads and single track and if you fall, in general it can be on softer ground. Up at Annandale (i.e., Rough Go), falling could be dangerous. I carry my Timbercove Fire Dept Radio with me when I ride there . . . for myself or anyone else that may need that extra bit of assistance.

Yesterday at one of our local Emergencey Departments I took care of a rider (road bike) who had been on a 200 mile organized ride. On a downhill about 35 miles per hour the front tire blew out and they endoed (end over end, at least they think so) and was knocked unconscious. It all turned out well, just a fractured collar bone but this individual was very tough and actually considered finishing the race after they woke up - on the road! On her discharge certificate I had the doc put in a sentence that they should receive an honorary jersey for finishing at the Emergency Room - after all, 130 miles of a 200 mile ride! I could not even do a century at this point which forces me to the obvious conclusion that I need to work less, ride more. Or as the slogan on the T-Shirt says, Shut up and Ride.

Thanks to whomever wrote in with that question and I hope you will come back to read it. I can suggest a few cool bicycle shops, place to get work and advice and there is also a group of fairly hard core mountain bikers who ride very Wednesday evening at Annadale. They are too fast for me at this point as they are in great shape. I do alright but need to lose weight, exercise more and work less. Working less is hard to do when the priority is to pay off the debt I have previously mentioned.

And that, is that! Thanks for reading and aloha nui loa.

David

Credit Card down to $11,350 Baby!

For me, is good, is good. I am taking donations by the way people. If I can get rid of this before the end of the year I will be a happy individual.

Meanwhile, I work almost every day even when not in the Emergency Department. I work online in the mornings till 11. Today I ran around taking care of errands, fixing a water system. I get home and have more task set out for me, the proverbial honeydo list - fairly much inconsiderate of how I am feeling, how tired I might be, how hot it is or hungry I may be.

That kind of thoughtlessness and inconsideration does not get you far in the long run.

Paying off the Debt because I am Sick of it.

I have become increasingly disgusted with the level of credit card debt that I have been carrying. I regard it as immoral, unhealthy and dangerous. When I think of the amount of savings I could have if I diverted my payments from Credit to savings I am amazed.

While I like credit, I have abused it. I believe that the Credit Card companies are predatory and many should be put out of business. They make it too easy to live beyond your means. However, I do not blame them for my quandary, I blame myself.

As of today I owe $12,000. I got to this point by a combination of bad or foolish choices (and I am trying to be very self examining and honest) and circumstance. For example, at times I may buy something simply for pleasure. At other times I used it while I was in nursing school, an emergency car repair and so on and so forth. It would be of value to look at a five year history to analyze that.

I recently joined Mint.com to try and help me suss this out a bit better. I no longer carry the one credit card I have. There is not annual membership fee and my interest rate is 6.75%.

In one month I have paid off $2000 and this in addition to my regular bills. I eat out less, I am working two jobs (and sometimes three when I pick up extra work as a nurse here and there). Every time I think about my credit card debt, I make sure that I get online and pay $25, since I wrote this just now I am going to have to pay another $25 off. That is in addition to a $500 payment yesterday and a $300 payment today.

I even pay in the middle of the day or night if I think about it, I pay instantly, logging into my bank site using my mobile. If I do not go to a movie, I send the money I would have used for the movie to my credit card.

I am determined to be financially responsible, to live within my means, to stand up for what I believe in. Debt cripples me and chains me to my job, a place and constricts my mind and imagination. When I have paid this credit card off I am going to reward myself by actually saving the same amount into savings and retirement. I am going to buy myself an apple computer (since I am dumping all PC related junk eventually). I will buy used (from an Apple employee friend who gets new ones all the time).

I don't want to be cheap - but thrifty? Yes. I want to be able to buy very nice clothes, even expensive but not on credit and not a lot but of high quality.

I am so lucky to be able to do this. How many people do any of us know that can divert $2000 of their income in one month to debt? I am paying the price though, no free time and not much activities except work and more work. Luckily, I love being a nurse and I love it even more that I am back in the Emergency Room and in the field as a Volunteer Firefighter and Emergency Medical Technician.

Enough babbling for now. If you can think of other ways to get out of debt and be more fiscally responsible then please let me know!

Thanks for reading - David

Looking South, highway one around 7 pm

A view of a boundless forever.

Highway One & Meyers Grade

The drive home . . . Looking West.

Working the Night Shift in the Emergency Room Jungle

. . . sounds like a song but a song of love it is not. I hate the night shift. I love the peace and quiet of the night shift but I hate the graveyard shift in the ER. Most of the time, luckily for our potential patients . . . it is quiet as a graveyard. So we do paperwork, lots and lots of paperwork. I love that, really, really, I do.

I sit there and force myself to stay awake, walk outside run around, breath, breath and breath again. Flush the boredom and sleep away to live so that I can and others may. Check my email, no blog entries from there but I want to. Study my Emergency Nursing books and take test.

Pray for a patient to walk in, pray that it is not too serious but not too minor so I won't hate them for coming into the Emergency Room for a fingernail or a cold they want antibiotics for.

I sit there and I thank god I am NOT in a Level I or Level II trauma center where it is all rushed, chaotic (we don't thrive on true chaos, we abhor it) and you are pushed to the limit every shift because there are not enough nurses or your knowledge is not enough or you slept too little.

Did I mention I hate the night shift and love my workmates and being there. Maybe just one person saved, or healed or pain lessened will inject some meaning into the sometimes senseless debacle that passes for health care in this country mine.

I always wanted to be . . . a spy.

I don't know why except one reason was that I grew up the son of an U.S. Air Force officer and learned about duty. I know that I had the idealistic views of the neophyte. My initial conceptions of the 'intelligence' agent were idealistic and naive. I thought that to go out and gather information to protect people was a noble cause. The reality is that information is subverted to the political will of its ultimate consumer. The agent of information collection is just a tool and many times is simply thrown to the wolves if political expediency demands it.

To this day though I enjoy reading well written spy novels and actual histories about espionage. One of my favorites is Legacy of Ashes by Tim Weiner. Other authors include Le Carre (of course!), Alex Berenson and especially Robert Littel, whom I consider a real master.

It is a foggy world, not many black and whites. My goal would have been the clandestine service, a nonofficial cover (or NOC) agent. I would never want to be a desk jockey riding my cubicle. I would want to be in the field. The real life of a 'spy' many times is probably most filled with boredom. This is what I don't love. What I do love is that make believe world of espionage with a dash of romance thrown in here and there.

Duty, honor, country? I think duty, honor, world more than anything. I applied to the Agency once upon a time. Too old I guess at that time. More later.