My friend - John Wunder

This post is about me although it is entitled John Wunder. I say that because it is the living who are reserved the privilege to write about the dead. I cannot even really say that John was a friend since I only knew him for a few years and then . . . only at a distance. So to be fair, to be completely accurate . . . he was my neighbor.

We were the type of neighbors that talk over the fence or as we met over work that took us out into the world of fences that need mending or grass, with its unique sweet smell, needs cutting. There was that occasional cup of coffee on a cool Sonoma morning.

So I write this in memory of my memory of John because I am unsure as to how many friends that he has or if anyone will write of him. In this unforeseen way, I will remember him and selfishly, I hope that someone someday may remember me or the deeds that I have done or of some contribution I have made. Is this not what we all want? To be remembered? Loved? Thought well of?

So about my neighbor John, some words that come to mind - gruff - loyal - stubborn - dismissive - hard worker - practical - smoker - dead from smoking - friendly - unassuming - but these are not the sum total of a man's life are they? Of course not . . . and with John there was much unsaid.

Look, we all live our lives with so much unsaid. Some live their lives as caricatures of what might be or what they think they are or hope to be. I am not sure if he did but paramount to me was that John seemed stubborn in his pursuit of some type of honesty - with himself and others. It was far too complicated of a thing to try and unravel - especially now that he is dead.

It was the simplicity of sharing time together that had meaning for us. In growing up I did not understand what being a neighbor, a good neighbor could be. But that sharing of your time can be a sacred moment, a fun time, a time rife and hidden with meaning that only becomes clear when more wisdom, however hard won, comes our way.

When he was dying, the last time I saw him was in this hovel of a nursing home. Staffed with probably good staff, undergoing renovation, it was not a place I would like to die. I guess it does not matter for at the end it is irrelevant in some fashion, where the dying will take place for soon, you become unaware. Let me interject here that I spend a year and a half working in Palliative Care working with people who were actively dying and working with their families. I have hard experience and know how death looks, smells and feels - to the living mind you, to the living.

So I sat there in his room as he signed his will so hastily drawn up on my computer a few months ago. I held his hand, that strong hand of his that had built the fence going down the driveway, where we had cleared it of pestiferous ivy and had our conversations and late night hellos around. This fence did not separate but brought two very different people together for conversations. Surface as they could sometimes be, I enjoyed them and his company.

Holding his hand, looking in his eyes, his eyes met mine and he shook his head and I mine, in unspoken acknowledgment that this was indeed the time of his death. We had talked about it before but this time . . . there was no need. He had done his best, I had done what I could with whatever demands I had in my own life, to assist him.

I was not there when he died but I said my goodbyes that day when I held his hand for the longest time. I did him no favors. I only did what I could, it was nothing special. Although I could not have done more, I will always wish that I could have. But he had made his choices in his life and I think in the end, he looked at his life and finally accepted it, his death, his life, his mistakes, everything. That is it you see, we can either make peace or we will not.

There is such a thing as a good death. These words I write are my own, they belong to no one and only to my creation of them, they are not a reflection of anyone except my experience of this man, this neighbor, this casual friend who died. John’s death was his own, it was not a bad one; he had love and support from others around him that stuck with him through life and now, at last, through death. If there is some reward for this type of faith, let it come upon those who take upon themselves this sacred duty. Sometimes there is no choice.

So John and I shook hands, shook our heads in silent agreement, grinned at each other grimly and smiled. As drugged up as he was . . . he knew the score and so did I. I told him I'd see him again and I walked out of that room and he died two days later.

I'll miss him.

Santa Rosa Cyclery

Happy Trails Indeed - I bought my Santa Cruz from them about six years ago and was very happy when they split off and got their own shop. I know Mitch and have always gotten great service from all of the gang at the shop. Good to hear from someone else that has patronized their fine establishment. I like the website too at:

http://www.santarosacyclery.com/

Thanks for reading,

David

What Bike for Annandale?

My thanks to whomever wrote in asking my thoughts about if their bicycle might be appropriate to Annandale. They don't have a full suspension and I do not think that is a problem I rode for years on a hardtail,in fact it was an older Trek 750 (?)mountain bike with no suspension at all. When I finally upgraded to a Santa Cruz Light I was amazed at the amount of control that I had.

Back to the question - I think a hybrid would work just great on most of the trails in Annandale. There is a huge variety of trails, single track, double, giant freeways of roads composed of gravel, hardpacked dirt and so on and so forth. A hybrid would be great for this and of course much would depend on how much suspension you have on the bike. There is a trail called Rough Go that you may want to be careful if you go on. It is beyond my skill level except when I get off and walk in many parts of it. I neither have the skill level or the training to successfully and safely make it up and down without walking at some point.

Much of my riding is done on the coast up near Timber Cove on nicely carpeted fire roads and single track and if you fall, in general it can be on softer ground. Up at Annandale (i.e., Rough Go), falling could be dangerous. I carry my Timbercove Fire Dept Radio with me when I ride there . . . for myself or anyone else that may need that extra bit of assistance.

Yesterday at one of our local Emergencey Departments I took care of a rider (road bike) who had been on a 200 mile organized ride. On a downhill about 35 miles per hour the front tire blew out and they endoed (end over end, at least they think so) and was knocked unconscious. It all turned out well, just a fractured collar bone but this individual was very tough and actually considered finishing the race after they woke up - on the road! On her discharge certificate I had the doc put in a sentence that they should receive an honorary jersey for finishing at the Emergency Room - after all, 130 miles of a 200 mile ride! I could not even do a century at this point which forces me to the obvious conclusion that I need to work less, ride more. Or as the slogan on the T-Shirt says, Shut up and Ride.

Thanks to whomever wrote in with that question and I hope you will come back to read it. I can suggest a few cool bicycle shops, place to get work and advice and there is also a group of fairly hard core mountain bikers who ride very Wednesday evening at Annadale. They are too fast for me at this point as they are in great shape. I do alright but need to lose weight, exercise more and work less. Working less is hard to do when the priority is to pay off the debt I have previously mentioned.

And that, is that! Thanks for reading and aloha nui loa.

David

Credit Card down to $11,350 Baby!

For me, is good, is good. I am taking donations by the way people. If I can get rid of this before the end of the year I will be a happy individual.

Meanwhile, I work almost every day even when not in the Emergency Department. I work online in the mornings till 11. Today I ran around taking care of errands, fixing a water system. I get home and have more task set out for me, the proverbial honeydo list - fairly much inconsiderate of how I am feeling, how tired I might be, how hot it is or hungry I may be.

That kind of thoughtlessness and inconsideration does not get you far in the long run.

Paying off the Debt because I am Sick of it.

I have become increasingly disgusted with the level of credit card debt that I have been carrying. I regard it as immoral, unhealthy and dangerous. When I think of the amount of savings I could have if I diverted my payments from Credit to savings I am amazed.

While I like credit, I have abused it. I believe that the Credit Card companies are predatory and many should be put out of business. They make it too easy to live beyond your means. However, I do not blame them for my quandary, I blame myself.

As of today I owe $12,000. I got to this point by a combination of bad or foolish choices (and I am trying to be very self examining and honest) and circumstance. For example, at times I may buy something simply for pleasure. At other times I used it while I was in nursing school, an emergency car repair and so on and so forth. It would be of value to look at a five year history to analyze that.

I recently joined Mint.com to try and help me suss this out a bit better. I no longer carry the one credit card I have. There is not annual membership fee and my interest rate is 6.75%.

In one month I have paid off $2000 and this in addition to my regular bills. I eat out less, I am working two jobs (and sometimes three when I pick up extra work as a nurse here and there). Every time I think about my credit card debt, I make sure that I get online and pay $25, since I wrote this just now I am going to have to pay another $25 off. That is in addition to a $500 payment yesterday and a $300 payment today.

I even pay in the middle of the day or night if I think about it, I pay instantly, logging into my bank site using my mobile. If I do not go to a movie, I send the money I would have used for the movie to my credit card.

I am determined to be financially responsible, to live within my means, to stand up for what I believe in. Debt cripples me and chains me to my job, a place and constricts my mind and imagination. When I have paid this credit card off I am going to reward myself by actually saving the same amount into savings and retirement. I am going to buy myself an apple computer (since I am dumping all PC related junk eventually). I will buy used (from an Apple employee friend who gets new ones all the time).

I don't want to be cheap - but thrifty? Yes. I want to be able to buy very nice clothes, even expensive but not on credit and not a lot but of high quality.

I am so lucky to be able to do this. How many people do any of us know that can divert $2000 of their income in one month to debt? I am paying the price though, no free time and not much activities except work and more work. Luckily, I love being a nurse and I love it even more that I am back in the Emergency Room and in the field as a Volunteer Firefighter and Emergency Medical Technician.

Enough babbling for now. If you can think of other ways to get out of debt and be more fiscally responsible then please let me know!

Thanks for reading - David

Looking South, highway one around 7 pm

A view of a boundless forever.

Highway One & Meyers Grade

The drive home . . . Looking West.

Working the Night Shift in the Emergency Room Jungle

. . . sounds like a song but a song of love it is not. I hate the night shift. I love the peace and quiet of the night shift but I hate the graveyard shift in the ER. Most of the time, luckily for our potential patients . . . it is quiet as a graveyard. So we do paperwork, lots and lots of paperwork. I love that, really, really, I do.

I sit there and force myself to stay awake, walk outside run around, breath, breath and breath again. Flush the boredom and sleep away to live so that I can and others may. Check my email, no blog entries from there but I want to. Study my Emergency Nursing books and take test.

Pray for a patient to walk in, pray that it is not too serious but not too minor so I won't hate them for coming into the Emergency Room for a fingernail or a cold they want antibiotics for.

I sit there and I thank god I am NOT in a Level I or Level II trauma center where it is all rushed, chaotic (we don't thrive on true chaos, we abhor it) and you are pushed to the limit every shift because there are not enough nurses or your knowledge is not enough or you slept too little.

Did I mention I hate the night shift and love my workmates and being there. Maybe just one person saved, or healed or pain lessened will inject some meaning into the sometimes senseless debacle that passes for health care in this country mine.

I always wanted to be . . . a spy.

I don't know why except one reason was that I grew up the son of an U.S. Air Force officer and learned about duty. I know that I had the idealistic views of the neophyte. My initial conceptions of the 'intelligence' agent were idealistic and naive. I thought that to go out and gather information to protect people was a noble cause. The reality is that information is subverted to the political will of its ultimate consumer. The agent of information collection is just a tool and many times is simply thrown to the wolves if political expediency demands it.

To this day though I enjoy reading well written spy novels and actual histories about espionage. One of my favorites is Legacy of Ashes by Tim Weiner. Other authors include Le Carre (of course!), Alex Berenson and especially Robert Littel, whom I consider a real master.

It is a foggy world, not many black and whites. My goal would have been the clandestine service, a nonofficial cover (or NOC) agent. I would never want to be a desk jockey riding my cubicle. I would want to be in the field. The real life of a 'spy' many times is probably most filled with boredom. This is what I don't love. What I do love is that make believe world of espionage with a dash of romance thrown in here and there.

Duty, honor, country? I think duty, honor, world more than anything. I applied to the Agency once upon a time. Too old I guess at that time. More later.