David McCullough

2012-01-12T17:00:00.000-08:00

Jiang Yu, China Foreign Ministry Spokeswoman is an Idiot

2011-10-19T22:50:00.000-07:00

From the New York Times:

. . . China’s Foreign Ministry spokeswoman, Jiang Yu, denounced both the self-immolations and the solidarity prayers for them during a regular press briefing in Beijing. “As we know, such splittist activity at the cost of human life is violence and terrorism in disguise,” she told reporters.

Having never been to China nor Tibet I still think she is an absolute idiot. The whole world knows what China is doing to Tibet - systematic repression and destruction of a culture. Jiang Yu is a liar and I'd clap her in prison for calling self immolation - 'splittist'. Maybe we should do to her family what Chinese authorities are doing to Tibet and Tibetan families.

Violence and terrorism? The US has much of a lock on this of course but justifies it for national security as do most countries. But China? Now there is a real scam artist - they may be destined to run the world for awhile as America fades from the scene but to deny that they perpetrate violence and terrorism is just plain stupid. Is terror and violence perpetrated by the State allowable or preferable to non-State actors?

So China heads down the path of the United States - mass consumption, little regard for the common person, abuse of the environment and liars as leaders.

The winds of change will always be blowing across the planet and I hope I am alive to see China fall along with the US because of the evil that is perpetrated in the name of the State.

2011-10-01T02:36:00.000-07:00

Aloha -

It's increasingly evident to me that I do not wish to continue to live in three separate places in a vagabond fashion. I rent a room in San Francisco that I like and the house is owned by a slumlord that does the minimum to keep it up. I hate that part of it, the dirtiness, unkemptness, dark and sad. The plus side is that I park in tohe garage and don't drive the whole week. Yet the place is not mine.

Tonight I drove to my family home on Seaview Ridge. Such a sense of homecoming and peace. Yet I walk in the door and the toilet has a slow leak for a long time o to the floor and the walls are wet from soaking up the (clean) water. So now I have a major reconstruction / remodel on my hands.

Other weekends I must sometimes spend in Sebastopol. So am at neither place I call my own. I really want One Place, a place of ones own as Virginia Wolf wrote.

To to reconcile this separate and disparate state of affairs? Buy a place in San Francisco? Yet my application to Tripler Army Hospital is still extant. My application to the CDC's polio eradication program is going in next week and those are three to four month contracts. I work Monday with the VA's human resources to consider a TDY assignment with the ultimate goal of joining the epidemiology intelligence service - the 'disease hunters'.

David

For now though I am faced with more mundane matters!

2011-09-25T11:04:00.001-07:00

Strolling in rain
Misting favourite cashmere dusky red
White Labrador dappled by rain and love
Warm snuffling nose greets inquiry

All's right in my little world in
This precious instant fleeting away
As we pad our way
Through our lives.

David McCullough

2011-09-21T23:33:00.000-07:00

Aloha - please read the New York Times article below this blog post for reference!

Tyler Hicks is one of my favorite and one of the best fotogs out there now known for his incredible images. Somalia is one of the most dangerous places on the planet now. Most, if not all agencies have pulled out now. While stories like these remain the most frustrating to me simply because I can do nothing . . . I also recoil in disgust at our own ritualized response of 'horror' or 'those poor people' while we sit in our comfortable stuffed lives.

I have no ultimate answer. All I can suggest to any of us is that we do NOT refuse to look at this or other fotos. That we learn to plunge our intellect into the horror and sadness this represents so just maybe, somehow, someday, we can know more and spread the learning to make even a small change.

Somalia is a failed state in every sense. Somalian warlords tear the country apart for personal and clan gain. The US is doing little to assist, mainly involved in trying to fight 'terrorism' instead of the terror represented by this image. If it was us, our child or family what would you do? Let's start by spending some time on it. That's all. There are good people doing great work there at terrible risk. They deserve help and recognition as do the Somalis.

I woke up early, scanning the New York Times as per my usual and saw this story. Obviously I felt very compelled to share it - part of my own selfish need to expiate my own guilt at the part I play on the world stage. Not meaning to preach but to learn and increase knowledge and awareness.

Thanks,

David

Famine in Somalia and Tyler Hicks article

2011-09-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

A malnourished child at Banadir Hospital in Mogadishu, Somalia. More than 500,000 Somali children are verging on starvation.

Photo by Tyler Hicks

The Faces of Famine
By Tyler Hicks

Famine is sweeping across southern Somalia and sending a stream of desperate people into Mogadishu. Tens of thousands of children are said to be dying there, and there's not enough help to meet the demand for food and medical care. The Shabab, the Islamic militant group with ties to Al-Qaeda, has made delivery of aid to remote areas, and even to the capital Mogadishu, not only difficult but also unreasonably slow, further reinforcing the crisis.

I was recently on assignment to photograph the crisis in Mogadishu. Just a few miles from where our plane landed I was taken to a refugee camp where hundreds of new arrivals, those who walked there with their belongings – and children – on their backs, waited for help and a place to settle. The sight of foreigners, and their hope that help had arrived, created a steady appeal for help. A bundle under a woman's arm revealed an emaciated child, then another in the same state carried by someone else. I motioned to my camera in an attempt to show I was with the news media and couldn't help them with what they needed: food, clean water, medicine, mosquito nets, shelter.

The worst cases were at the crowded hospital. That's where I found the hardest hit, mostly children, some unable to walk or even sit up, others vomiting and all suffering from dysentery. In the hallway every available surface was used for another sick child. I've seen bad conditions in hospitals, but this was one of the worst. Swarms of flies infested the mouths and eyes of children too weak to move. Their parents spent the day swatting the flies away from them and doing whatever else they could to keep them alive. I photographed a father carrying his lifeless daughter, wrapped in cloth, out of the hospital for burial.

Mogadishu is unsafe for foreigners, and journalists rely on local fixers and security to help do our job. Time on the street is very limited, and you're never left in one place for long before moving. This means you're forced to work quickly, even inside the hospital. I found this frustrating, but I reminded myself to trust our guides and allow them to make those decisions.

In early August, The New York Times ran a front-page photograph of a child who was reduced to the frail framework of a starved body. The image showed the child in a fetal position, arms wrapped around the head, almost in a protective gesture. I could see that this image, however disturbing to view, would give proof of how desperate the situation had become.

I enthusiastically support the image chosen for Page 1. The public reaction was overwhelmingly positive, and a reminder of the impact The Times can generate – not only among our readers, but also among other news media organizations and humanitarian aid groups. This is an example of the raw, unfiltered definition of news photography. It doesn't happen every day, and it might not come your way in the course of a year. But sometimes you land on a story, a cause, something that has meaning to you, and the resulting photographs have an impact. They are seen and spur reaction. In a digital age, that's when you're reminded of the impact that a still, motionless photograph can have.

2011-09-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

Aloha and finished a long working day in the ER today. Weighing my decision to apply to Tripler Army Hospital in Honolulu and still finding it the very right thing to do. I continue to struggle with loving the job I have but hating the cold, grey, foggy, rainy windy toothsome pummeling from the San Francisco weather (better but only in the last two days). Living in a better place would greatly improve my outlook but moving may entail a longer lease then only to have Hawaii come to fruition.

Love my job and people here. Love the ranch and people there. Hate the weather here in the City and the unfriendliness.

So I ponder and wonder. No hurry to decide as fate and time assist also.

David

2011-08-27T21:38:00.000-07:00

Aloha and our third day back. Worked a 3:30-1 am shift last night so I am really very tired right now. Writing this entry from my family ranch on the 'Ridge'. Back to work Monday to Friday after tomorrow Another positive thing about Tripler Army Hospital in Honolulu . . . they have 12 hour shifts so you only work seven days out of 14 days! Yeah baby, I like, I like.

Caught up with John and Peni Gibbs in Kaneohe and it was so wonderful to see them. While I have many friends here in Californial, I realized this trip that I have many more friends in Hawai'i that I just don't see enough of - more then I do here.

At any rate it is late - interview at Tripler went so well, my hopes are up and time will tell. More on Hawaii later!

D

2011-08-24T11:46:00.000-07:00

Lanikai Beach with Jack Attack Dog entering from Left. I spent many happy hours near this beach in the 90's. Had relatives who owned a house in Lanikai from the 1930's on. Not sure when they left - out of touch with them now. Welden McCullough use to manage a Bank - Bank of Hawaii? and whose family was held hostage at some point. He was a half brother to my Dad I think.

2011-08-21T20:47:00.000-07:00

Aloha and I have been back in Hawai'i for a week now on Kauai and fly to Oahu tomorrow night for about four days. The one thing that is crystal clear to me and is completely resolved in my head is that I am not going to stay in California. I want to return to Hawai'i and in fact did interview for a position on Kauai - informally - but I did talk with some people. I interview at Tripler Army Hospital on this coming Tuesday.I love my job, love the crew I work with at the San Francisco VA but even they know of my love for the Pacific. I feel at home here, relaxed and a feeling of belonging. While it is not my home I know I can make it my home. So many changes.

The one year anniversary of my mother's death is tomorrow. I plan on renting a longboard and paddling out to the middle of Hanalei Bay with a lei, say a few words in her memory. Something like this:Aloha Kakau, Bula Vinaka mom. I am here to remember your loving spirit and pay homage to the sacrifices and struggles that you endured in your life. To remember the sense of enthusiasm and fun you carried with you almost everywhere you went. I remember the night we spent on the fresh lava beds of Kiluea Volcano on the Big Island of Hawai'i, how late it was and how tired we all were . . . yet you shouldered the burden so well and carried on without complaining. We both knew we had been present at creation and I know how moved you were and excited you were.

Mom - I know we had our differences, disagreements and harsh words. Yet we forgave each other and in the end all was forgiven as you lay dying so well. I felt so sad and I am now moving on, letting that sadness go free and moving on with my life in so many positive ways. I do want to say I am sorry if I failed you in the end with the pain and suffering that you endured - we did our best mom but remain haunted by the possibility that I could have done better or improved in my care of you somehow. I think of that often and it is my greatest wish that you did not suffer. This may be a reflection of my career as an ER nurse and my own deeply personal convictions - but in the same breath I know that to live is to suffer and that it goes hand in hand with joy and life. I apologize if I failed you in any way or if I hurt you.

May the spirit and love that led you to love Hawaii and Fiji and their people bless and honor you my mother. I thank you for giving me life, teaching me how to be a good person and contribute to the world and its people. I thank you also for teaching me how Not to be at times by the virtue of your own attempts and failings at living a good life. May your spirit find comfort and peace, may you exalt in the end of your suffering and in your accomplishments in your brief sojourn on this planet. We will always love you and our father. I will always try to live a good life, to contribute, to do good, to lessen suffering, to teach and learn, to consume less and want less. You and father taught me these things - I do not know how but it is who I am and I know that you were proud of me and worked hard to let me know that.My heart enfolds your spirit my mother, may you be happy and satisfied where ever your spirit is, may you find peace and reward. I miss your presence and I send you my heartfelt love.David

2011-08-14T22:05:00.000-07:00

2011-08-14T16:37:00.001-07:00

Aloha from Dwayne's Burgers in Anahola, Kauai. Da Kine best burger on da island brah. Says so on the door yeah? I'll get a foto. Good to be 'home'. Still tired.

Kawika

2011-08-14T07:31:00.001-07:00

Aloha and on the way to Kauai or as it was known c T'auai and with it's own unique dialect that may be lost as so many indigenous languages have throughout time. The last time I went 'home' I broke down and just wept in Honolulu. Just to feel that I was home at last even though the islands will never be home for anyone who is not Hawaiian - alluding to the fact that we have stolen the land from them while many live in poor conditions but full of pride and power. I am just a guest, a tourist. Still, I was welcomed and those with an open heart and a learning mind do better than many.

So I settle in for my flight with my New York Times, coffee, iPhone, laptop, all the modern accoutrements!

Aloha

2011-08-11T22:10:00.000-07:00

Rain, gently falling
bamboo whispers,
granite glistens.

Rain drops.
Earth recieves.
intimations of morality echoing,
surround me.

raindrops drench
upturned face . . . eyes . . . lips
full of grace

grey clouds beckon,
hearts home,
while spirit roams.

fuschia dawn opens
jade mountain
azure sea.

I wrote this in 2000 while in San Francisco after being wrenched out of the islands by my fathers death.

2011-08-10T19:10:00.000-07:00

Aloha and Bula - I am looking forward to our upcoming trip to Kauai and then Oahu from August 14-25. I have not been back for a few years now and I find my heart yearning for the people and places dear to my heart. I don't know many people on Kauai and the last time I was there was over 15 years ago when I was working for Healthy Families Hawai'i (aka Healthy Start). Beautiful place, wonderful people and feels like home in some ways.

I just bought some leis from Cindi's Lei's in Honolulu and they are shipping them over for a Friday arrival. Great Service and wonderful people. I highly recommend them to anyone.

I have read a lot of books this last week. The Help is a great book and I hear is being released in the movie theaters tonight. I am now reading The Magician King by Lev Grossman and I read the first book of this series or trilogy - whatever it may be. Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner is next. All this in combination with my daily New York Times, The Atlantic Monthly, Harpers and Cooks Illustrated. Just a few of my favorite things that I love to read.

I'll post fotos as I move through Hawai'i. On Oahu it will be a wonderful reunion. I will be interviewing (I hope) at Tripler and other local hospitals. Enough for now, long day at work but much is accomplished.

Aloha,

Kawika

2011-07-16T18:22:00.001-07:00

Returning to San Francisco after another week in Coos Bay cleaning our mother's house. Almost done with a lifetime of memories. It's as though my brother and I have take. A trip to the past fueled by coffee, tears, good beer and friends. It's our own past we are dissecting too. While we have had fun and become closer we are both grateful to return to our families and to jobs we love.

We miss our mom but know she would be proud of us and the job we have done. Still, I'd rather have her alive. We are taking off now so I'll close. I am glad my brother and I are together - it's been so fun and easier together.

Aloha.

Making an Imu or Lovo (Underground Oven)

2011-06-16T22:23:00.000-07:00

Aloha - for our July 1-5 family reunion I am making an underground oven. In Hawai'i it is called an Imu and in Fiji it is called a lovo. We cook a pig and root crops traditionally but you can cook anything this way obviously. I'll put a few chickens in the ground also.

So I am excited to be able to share this tradition with anyone but even more with family. Many of them I do not know well but for America this is often the case. Pictures and music will accompany the Imu I hope and will post them here.

David

Changes are Afoot

2011-05-31T21:31:00.000-07:00

Aloha and too long without an entry but as is so often the case I feel that I lack anything of importance to impart - often not true at all when thought about and written with some dedication and craft.

I have applied again to the Peace Corps but with my fiance. Hard to believe but there the facts are. It is taking me some work to get used to all this.

I have also inquired about transferring to the Tripler Army Medical Center Emergency Room as a VA nurse. We go to Kauai in August 2011 and after that will be on Oahu to see friends and interview.

Who knows what will come of all this but possibilities abound.

Debt is disappearing with much work and help. Once we sell my mother's house and close here estate we will be free to leave. Free at last, no debt, no ties, no worries about much that was an issue in the past.

Enough, sleep beckons.

2011-04-27T22:40:00.000-07:00

One's outlook is significantly altered when the end of one's life is in view or closer. I speak not of my immediate end but that philosophical contemplation of the end of one's life. Prompted in part by the death of my father in 1999 and my mother in August 2010. Being an orphan is not exactly correct as one dictionary defines it as: a child whose parents are dead. I am not a child. But when parents die one feels as if they are a child in some ways, once again. I remain unsure as to my point at this moment, tired after a day working in the emergency room. But I do know that I miss my mother and father. Life consist of great longing and yet of fulfillment too. It would have been my mother's birthday this last April 9. I miss her.

2011-04-25T23:52:00.000-07:00

I'll not be alone tonight.
You'll be in my conscious thinking dreams
as I lay awake and pondering what it could mean to love you.

It is no idle threat of mine,
this possible love carried to you
in a bucket brimming with possibilities
spilling over with ideas of what it could mean to love you

You will be wondering now who the hell is this man?
who does he think he knows
about what it could mean to love me?

It lies in a realm of choices made and unmade,
each decision a rent and tear in quantum fabric of bubbling space,
ricocheting down the corridors of time and doors
each opening to a differing idea of what it might mean to love you.

What I really want
is for you to think about . . .
what it may mean for you to love me.
I know I could love you - selfish man that I am.

So open that door into your heart and open that heart to me.
Change the nature of our reality
where love just is
as it is wont to be.

Updates

2011-04-08T07:37:00.000-07:00

Aloha - I am living almost full time in San Francisco now in the Outer Richmond on 43rd Avenue right near the San Francisco VA Hospital, also known as Fort Miley. I can park my car at the VA and then just walk to work and home in about five minutes.

That has always been a goal that I have been able to fulfill - to not commute and risk my life on the freeway on a daily basis. It is a great thing to not pollute so much and live with a sense of place and neighborhood. This said, it still is not my favorite place but it will do as these things go. I have my coffee shop, 'my' local movie theater and best of all my brother and family lives in the city. This has been a gift.

So I turned a half century last year. My mother died and I became an orphan. That is strange, bringing new meaning, an additional layer of complexity to a multilayered life of the same. My search for meaning continues, realizing that the search will never end and the lingering sense of disatisfaction is what drives me and enriches existence. All selfish things but there you are.

I won't be an RN at the VA forever. Nor in the ER. There is so much to do, places to be and people to be with. Still a journey, unending, cautious, free, unknowable and precious beyond knowing and believing at times.

I am blessed and lucky. I know how fast it can and will change.

David

Paying off Debt

2011-03-10T01:14:00.000-08:00

Philosophically against debt I nonetheless have too much debt. So it is a welcome feeling to have paid off over $1500 of credit card debt in one month. In part due to a healthy Federal and State tax refund. Paid off some credit card debt, dental and other bills and a good amount into savings - over $1500 to build up the up till now mostly nonexistent cash reserve. In addition I am saving over $1300 a month into my Federal Retirement through the VA and they match that with five percent.

All quotidian details of my life but meaningful to me and an indication that I am somewhat more financially responsible then the past. My debts pale in comparison to others but for me it is a stone cold yoke of lead around my neck. That is it for now, too late and tired for more but wanting to write more . . . as always.

2011-03-08T09:36:00.000-08:00

Growing up in Germany, 1967

2011-02-17T23:07:00.000-08:00

2011-02-15T18:48:00.001-08:00

Windy night in San Francisco so beautiful in it's power the ionic energy … almost like I can feel and visualize the charged ions whipping about and caressing. I like the feeling of an oncoming storm, the whispered promises it holds and contemplating my futures, wondering what will be and not.

I'm reading Steve Martin's book, Object of Beauty. His writing touches my heart, resonates. Echoes blithely around in my chest saying this is you, it could be or it was or you want this or what? Like some heretofore hidden desire suddenly lies exposed to you like a vein of gold or a rock in the sea your sailboat is headed straight for. Danger filled with love, fear co-mingled with delight and passion and in an instant this is a certainty…that you know, at last, that life is revealed to you, that this is what it is about and now finally at last, yes this is really really it.

Search for this, revel in it, don't let go.

Thanks for reading.

Taking Apart our Mother's Life

2011-01-26T14:23:00.000-08:00

Aloha - my brother (Paul) and I are in Coos Bay, Oregon this week. I am writing while in Sozo's Coffee Shop which is one of the very best coffee shops I have ever been in around the globe. Absolutely great food, good service, chic but homey and the barista's are excellent. I recommend enjoying yourself here if for some crazy reason you are passing through.

Our mum died August 21, 2010 - just a bit more than five months ago now. This is our first time back to her house since her death. We are beginning to take apart her life, cleaning out her memories, incorporating them into our own memories and re-remembering things we may have forgotten.

It is like taking this big chunk of data apart and the little bits of flotsam and jetsam that make up our lives drifts back into the data sphere. Some things to the dump and then to the landfill, some to Goodwill - the re-purposing of data, the bytes that make up our lives. We spend our whole life collecting this data, identifying with and making it 'us'. As our lives end, if we are lucky we get to shed this data stuff ourselves, to choose what we relieve ourselves of till death takes us. Then, entropy. Data dissolution speeds up and soon all that is left is memories held in others minds and the solid bytes of data are scattered to the winds.

For my mother one of the most tangible things are her paintings and stories. The stories are less solid in some way. It was difficult to throw away twenty copies of some of her stories into the recycle bin at the dump. We simply cannot keep that much data, that much physical manifestation of my mothers soul, of her life. We have her computer and I hope that much of it is on her hard drive. I rescued copies of her smaller stories but will I read them again? Will anyone? Does it matter?

But the paintings . . . they remain. Some will perish but others . . . and I hope the good ones will populate the landscape of the world for some time. I hope that I will run into some of them at some distant point in the future and remember my mother. We have the ones we want, a few of them good and many of them not very good at all. But they are her and we are all not so good at some things in our lives.

The sheer volume of 'stuff' is really amazing. We dig and dig and dig again. Layers of data of a life of 78 years and we still mourn and miss our mother.

2011-01-07T17:08:00.000-08:00

Legion of Honor, San Francisco.

Legion of Honor

2011-01-07T16:02:00.000-08:00

At the exhibition of Japanese Wood block prints at the Legion of Honor in San Francisco. Hundreds of them and oh so beautiful. Makes me remember the Jone Gibbs collection in Kaneohe, Hawai'i!

Zip's old man ride

2010-12-05T18:37:00.001-08:00

2010-11-28T17:27:00.000-08:00

United States Veterans Day

2010-11-11T19:12:00.000-08:00

I received a letter from a friend about Veterans Day and what follows is my response:

Aloha . . . thanks for thinking of the vets today. I worked the ER today at the San Francisco Veterans Administration Hospital Emergency Room, so of course they were on my mind too.

I liked Born on the Fourth of July but my only caveat is that it does a great disservice to the VA as it exist NOW. Since the time that the book/film came into existence so much at the VA has changed and is now known for the level and quality of its care. I saw this quality when I was hired and as I learn more I am only regretful that I cannot obtain my care at the VA. The rank and file of the Republicans/Tea Party mad hatters rail against Socialized Medicine but this is exactly what the VA is and does so very well. Even the neocons and the rest of the anti-intellectual movement in this country will usually praise the VA (perhaps because to Not do so would be considered unpatriotic in their minds).

This is not to say the VA is the best or perfect. But I will say we are good, we are dedicated and we care. There is not pushing people out the door due to insurance, we have had electronic charting for almost 20 years and most of all, the vets want to be here and are very satisfied (for the most part!) with their care here.

We have asked these brave women and men to do terrible things for their 'country' , their corporatocracy (I cannot help but inject my own opinion into this of course) and I believe that we owe them the care promised them by a 'grateful nation'. If I discuss this with old line warriors they are among the most vocal and vociferously antiwar folks you will ever meet. If only the ones that send those into war were the first on the ground with their families . . . then war would be shorter but it will never cease.

We will always need those who are willing to step into the breach and I will always thank them for their duty. But that duty, however well executed, does not excuse anyone from my our duty to speak up and condemn the war machine, the military-industrial complex, death and the dark desires that drive men to kill, rape and destroy.

I treat veterans of World War II that at this moment, sixty five years later are having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) rear its ugly symptoms for the first time or reoccur after so many intervening years. My job is secure - as long as Presidents, Prime Ministers and leaders are mongering for war - my job is secure. We all pay for sins of our leaders in one way or another.

I'm not sure why I have said so much but perhaps it is my way of working out my own demons from what I have done, seen and heard from the people I serve. I'll take any chance at all to extol their service and sacrifice while I object to violence and war itself. I do not believe these things are mutually exclusive.

Thank you for reading this and for your activism and service. It is appreciated.

Aloha,

David

I am reading a very good book now called:

Best Care Anywhere - Why VA Health Care is Better Then Yours
by Phillip Longman

2010-10-06T02:59:00.001-07:00

It is not for me that I write these word my love
Although I love you.
The dawn breaks in spite of my love for you
Yes, I want it to stop
For my love to rule all
And you to know
That in spite of my love
The moon will rise
Oceans arms encircle Jupiter
Love will not conquer all
And the love borne for you
Means nothing without being borne out by action.

Yes, I'll stroll the beach
To whisper platitudes in your ear
Nibbling at the edges of your hearts
Round stones polished by wave and tide
Hardening my heart
Breaking my love.

David McCullough
October 6, 2010

2010-10-04T20:08:00.001-07:00

Every time someone dies it seems that the death adds to the burden of sadness and pain that one accumulates through life. The tears I've shed cease to be just for the one that has died but are shed for the many and perhaps for myself.

I have had intimations of my own mortality.

2010-09-26T09:49:00.001-07:00

I have had intimations of my own mortality.
Not willfully but thrust upon me by life's cadence.

It's endless march of life and death
The slow wheeling of the seasons.
A crisp river frozen In moonlight,
Birds nest hanging
Bird in flight

Your face leaned over me in ecstatic repose
Drinking in life without delay.

I suppose we do all possible
To escape that day,
To live again without thought or care
In time but not of it
Imagining and struggling to loosen it's meaningful bonds that tie us to each other
To the earth where we will rest
To once more become part of that
Whence we came.

I have intimations of my mortality
And struggle for acceptance
Yet to stave off death may not be so sweet
As the moments and years and decades that make a life.

It is that time between death and birth
That drives us in our search for meaning
For love
Fulfillment
Commitment to a cause greater than ourself
To a life filled with meaning and
A death that has been filled with love
A life that has been well lived

Echoes of our own mortality
Intimations of my own mortality
Resound upon the water
The meadow
My heart held by your love
Eyes locked to yours
Hand to hand
Heart to heart
Beating
Holding
Loving.

David McCullough
September 17, 2010

2010-08-29T19:26:00.000-07:00

My drive to San Francisco!

A poem on My mothers Death

2010-08-21T18:52:00.000-07:00

Thanks for letting me share this with you. I hope that everyone is happy and well.

Our mother died today
1736 time marked out by her last breath
So our memories flow freely now
Unencumbered by her rattling breaths
A valiant heart struggling to maintain
What cannot be.

Memories of her sun soaked tea
Sweet pickled watermelon rinds
Endless baked treats brought to
Endless 4-H meetings
Ferried about as we were by her
Our lives hers
Her life was ours and now…
Now we are alone with her body
And our memories
Of what it is
To be our mothers sons.

David Michael McCullough

2010-08-16T03:29:00.000-07:00

Toward the very end my mother would try so hard to say thank you to anyone who helped her. I'm here next to her at this moment, holding her hand at 3:30 a.m. Death seems a peculiar kind of loneliness. She is not alone but is on this journey.

2010-08-14T15:17:00.000-07:00

2010-08-04T18:43:00.001-07:00

My mother's brain so beautiful in it's constant creativity. Now invaded by bony cancer sending her thoughts careening into unimaginable places. Weaver, writer, artist, teacher, cook, wife, mother, sculptor and more. Not yet gone but fading away as I watch and wait.

2010-08-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

At times it seems these days pass as if in a dream while one close to you dies.

2010-07-30T18:37:00.001-07:00

The light upon the water,
Rays of sunlit joy upon the salty seas of home,
All these things shall last
As I will not
As my mother will not
As my brother will not
As my father did not.

But this caring of mine?
It will not last nor should it
For others should care.

Others should gaze upon sunlit rays wandering upon the oceans
The fish underneath
The stars wheeling overhead
In their timeless Soaring dance

As the seasons
As you
As I
Disappear into the sandy shores
Distant islands as souls
Scattered upon their star studded shores

The waves lap and careen and crash
I'll be waiting somewhere I think
I'll want to know you see
What happens to it all

To you, to me, the world
The people we loved
And once were.

This sun, through clouds,
Burnishes the golden Bridge
Carrying me home
Where memory lives.

Post Holiday Blues

2010-07-21T14:06:00.000-07:00

The dreaded post holiday blues are back. One wonders how one can exist faced with the somewhat dull humdrum repetition of ordinary existence. Grateful in one second yet filled with the angst of god how I wish it could all be different and exciting ALL the time instead of just sporadically.

I AM glad to be back. Really I am, good if not great to see my mom. Dying as she is so gracefully she is not in any pain. All those frenzied preparations I made prior to my departure on holiday were not in vain and things go better than expected. But I come 'home' to grey skies in the San Francisco area, overcast, cold, cloudy, dull, boring. We hates it forever as Gollum from The Hobbit would say.

So I feel petty in the same moment feeling this way. Not that my life lacks meaning because I have so much meaning with my work and especially my friends all around the globe.

I am back to not having enough time in my day to accomplish everything I need or want to. I live in two places at once when I just want to live in one place which is on the Ridge, the coast, safely elevated above the fog for much of the time!

All in all I lead a happy life not consumed with worry about food, water or safety. That means a lot. It is a charmed life in so many ways and one I am grateful for. Yet I yearn for challenge (other than that of my mother dying) and an opportunity to live more simply and to give more to others. That is what partly drove me to Peace Corps over, dare I say it, THIRTY years ago and continues to drive me till the day my death comes.

What it Means to be Back

2010-07-18T13:21:00.000-07:00

It is good to be back but I find myself longing for that sense of Peace Corps excitement and purpose, that frisson, so to speak of unknowing and the excitement engendered by it. Working overseas provides that, at least for me and I find myself still longing for it . . . and I realize that I will for the rest of my life.

This is the challenge many of us face - how do you reconcile the needs of life - i.e., what you must do versus one's dreams? This is said with the full knowledge that simply having this chance to even wonder is a gift in and of itself. I don't struggle for food, water or shelter. I don't worry about armed conflict or bad people coming to take me away in the early nightmare hours.

Times will change for America with the inevitability of the centuries passing . . . but I do not see this coming down for years. If I am lucky, I'll be dead by then.

2010-07-17T16:02:00.001-07:00

Home it's said, lies where the heart is. While mine lies in no particular place I've come to realize home is where my love lies. That is with the people that I love and they are scattered across the face of this planet. I may favor some physical locations but truly I am tied to people who have imbued places with memory and meaning.

View from my stool in Budapest

2010-07-15T09:13:00.001-07:00

Need I say more? Ahhhhhh!

2010-07-14T22:56:00.000-07:00

2010-07-14T00:05:00.000-07:00

2010-07-13T12:54:00.000-07:00

The Beach - Southern Turkey - July 2010

2010-07-11T23:46:00.000-07:00

Hot and very humid but truly beautiful, I would more likely visit this place in late Fall or Spring. The white wire cages cover up turtle eggs buried in the sand to protect them from us. Hard to believe eggs can survive that heat - I could see the shimmer of heat lifting off the sand most of the day. Mid day we would often retreat to the shade and even air condtioning of the room. Most people, residents and visitors, did the same.

Hotel (Otel) in Alachati, Southern Turkey

2010-07-08T22:16:00.000-07:00

In the last ten or so years this Southern Turkish town has exploded in growth and this hotel is only four years old. Beautiful hotel, great service and staff with wonderful and healthy food. Still, it is a resort town and full of local and international tourist. I would not go here again unless I knew someone. Keep in mind that I spend over two years in Fiji and eight years in Hawai'i dealing with the impacts of tourism and I know the rotten deal tourist can get. Still, all in all it was a beautiful place and I would gladly stay here again.

2010-07-07T15:34:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow we catch Pegasus airlines to Izmir fir one week. More tourist. Like me. Want the country side, small towns, no damn shopping. Well it will be what I make of it.

2010-07-07T15:30:00.001-07:00

Eating at a restaurant in Istanbul over glass roof below our table into rooms/vaults from the Byzantine era. Going below you can see the layers of history of course and arch after arch receding into the dim recesses of history.

Puts one in place.

2010-07-05T12:10:00.000-07:00

A Glass of Raki (ra - kuh) for a late night apertif overlooking the Bosphorus sea between Asia and the European side.

2010-07-05T02:28:00.001-07:00

2010-07-05T00:35:00.000-07:00

2010-07-03T07:38:00.001-07:00

The Sultan Ahmet mosque or the Blue Mosque in Istanbul. Humbling thousands of years of history!

2010-07-02T02:26:00.000-07:00

On our way to the Hamburg Airport early this morning. Grump kids and adults, me not wanting to say goodbye but having to once again leave people I love. I understand the attraction of not ever leaving so as to avoid this pain. Can one see the world by staying? Learn about I am sure but to have your soul changed and challenged? I know this to be impossible. It is the 'foreign' that enriches.

As I write this we are high over Germany flying to a country I've never been to yet would like to visit if not live. Such it is for almost any place I've ever set for in or even read about. The Congo scares me as do all the warring factions and shear butchery occurring there.

I send my greetings, respect and aloha to any reading this. When and I'd you do travel please check out the following books.…mine is: Istanbul: The Collected Traveler. An Inspired Companion Guide, edited by Barrie Keeper A Vintage Departures Original.

There are more in the series. It is a very great read, fascinating, informative, luscious and eminently readable in a long sitting or simple, easy delicious bites.

www.vintagebooks.com

You will not regret getting this. It is not a guide but full of history, fun, food, culture and so much more.

A Hui Hou.

David

Final Dispatch / Bremen, Deutschland

2010-07-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

Wie Gehts es Ihnen? Sehr Gut!?

Tomorrow I fly from Hamburg to Istanbul. The last two days have been incredible romps through the past. More on this later but I visited my family childhood home in Florsheim Am Main (village) from 1965-68. I met the woman we rented the house from and she remembered us fondly. It looks so different now but still 'our' house. Then I hunted down some old friends not seen in the past 42 years and they remembered me at first sight. They were incredible then and still are. Heinz and Anna - had a DVD of an old 8 mm film of their wedding and there was my family, Mom, Dad, Paul, myself and even my grandmother. How beautiful we all were so long ago. I cried a lot, with some melancholy, joy and thankfulness.

Also saw the Gossens and they are just incredible and wonderful people whom I hope we will stay in touch with.

Much more later but so good to see old friends.

Tschuss -

David

2010-06-29T14:56:00.000-07:00

Dispatch from Frankfurt, Deutschland. Spent the day on the A3 autobahn driving South to Frankfurt staying at the Frankfurt City Campground right in the middle of the city. Pitched a big tent and went to some old friends house in Dietzenbach just off highway 661. Christoph is married to a woman from Iowa that grew up only a one hour drive from where my mom grew up in Mason City, Iowa. It's a small village sometimes and I wish people would regard that before they turn to war.

Tomorrow I hope to see Christoph and Regina's parents in the morning. After that a continuation of my trip down memory lane although at this point it's more of a autobahn then a lane!

I left messages with my brother today. No call from him about my mom. Just wish to know the details of how she is even though she has called me. She is out of pain at least so that's good.

Germany, need it be said has changed so much. I can see my street on Google maps but it is no longer a dead end to a field and a World War II bomb shelter at the end of that street. I wonder at the past and all that it contains, memories, people, hopes, dreams, disappointments, wishes, births, death and everything in between. Id love to know what happens beyond my death but am not sure I could stand to be immortal. Too much sadness and regret at watching the centuries pass by, the people you love. It already breaks my heart at times.

Hard to believe I write this from near my childhood home where I last set foot on forty-two years ago. I remember the last drive out of our driveway in our Volkswagen, my red pogo stick lying in the green grass between the two rows of stone for the tires. How vivid but as if in a dream.

What will I find? What will I learn? That you can't go home again like Rosseau? I learned this long ago. My goodbyes only grow more difficult and the sadness of parting more of melancholy suffused with sustained and lasting joy mixed in.

I do not know what I shall see or discover but my journey to this secret place has taught me much.

David

2010-06-28T16:21:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we drive from Bremen to Frankfurt on the autobahn @ 200 kph all the way. Off to see friends and the house Paul and I grew up in from 1965-68 in Florsheim am Main (about 20 minutes E/SE of Frankfurt Airport). No doubt a rush of memories. My car was towed today to the tune of 180 Euros so am calling it a learning cultural experience and sometimes you must decide that it hurts 'good' when the alternative is to whinge. Tschuss!

Fotos are being posted to Picasa online so please drop me a line to get in if interested.

Dispatch from abroad: Bremen, Deutschland, June 26, 2010

2010-06-26T20:16:00.000-07:00

Wie Gehts meinen Damen und Herren! Live or semiconscious at 0445 here on Falkenstrasse staying with my friends Benno, Dina, Kai und Taylor. The direct opposite time difference is a bit dodgy but I am having a great time. Reconnecting with old friends first met in Hawai'i in 1990. I have not seen them since about 2005 or 2006 when I had gone back to Hawai'i for our friend Colin Denney's wedding. Never heard from Colin again, sadly enough that his is standard operating procedure although he is a fine person. But, I digress.

Memories of growing up in Germany have come flooding back but many are insubstantial and what I call 'eine kleine kind' or 'little kid' memories. This includes the color and taste of liquorish candies, the smells and sights such as a barge on the River Elbe. I grew up in a small village called Florsheim am Main, South of Frankfurt and West of Wiesbaden. Our street was Landstrasse but I do not know the number. I remember seeing and smelling the paper factory. I remember playing with our friends and the local dare was to run down the stairs to the World War II bomb shelter and touch the doors and make it back up.

Just children then, we had no idea of the cataclysm that had shaped the world and so many of the attitudes of a generation. To us it was nothing and it was only later that I learned of the camps, Auschwitz, Dachau, Bergen-Belsen and the hundreds of others that existed within the sphere of Nazi influence. We Americans like to deceive ourselves into thinking that it could not happen in America, that surely we are better then the Nazi's. But for me, I have seen too much. My mother took my brother and I to a camp and for years, every once in awhile I would have dreams, sometime nightmares of half imagined Nazi's still alive to terrorize me and the people I loved.

To this day I wonder why my mother took us, yet when asked she has a clear answer. She thought we should know. Indeed, that is a very clear lesson . . . that we must never forget. In the broader sense it applies to all evil that is done in the world. I was not damaged by what I saw but to my dying day it will affect me and i think in no small measure has contributed to my own quest to do some good in the world while I walk among you.

We hope to drive to my old home in a few days. I hope we can meet some old friends, hoist a few beers and maintain some tenuous hold on a distant relationship. I am glad I have come, not only to celebrate the ties that bind but also I think so I can do my own remembering. Not only of my own past but to remember it all, to not forget, to deny the naysayers their insane and ignorant quest to deny us all the privilege of knowing evil and the sacrifice made by so many. After all, I take care of many World War II veterans every week while their numbers grow less each day.

I am having a challenge in connecting to my friend's wireless Vodafone network. My iPhone picks up the network, I type in the passcode yet it cannot lock onto it. In this way I hope to post some fotos and other dispatches from Germany and then Turkey in another week. I bought a local phone yet am also having connection issues. calling the US for about five minutes was eight Euros, one Euro being about 1.25 US at this time.

I am missing my friends at work and send them a shout out. It is good to be in Germany again. I called my brave mother yesterday and she once again said she is doing fine and reassured me that I should be here. Yet still, I long to be by her side, doing my Nurse Manly thing for her out of the gratitude I have for doing her Mothering to me for the last 49 years of my life. When she dies, it will be a loss. Yet as so many friends and coworkers said to me . . . Carpe Diem.

For there is no other time but now.

David

2010-06-24T23:22:00.000-07:00

Business class from New York to London is something I could get use to quite easily. Kudos to the staff at JFK's American Airlines for an upgrade, their laughter and kindness.

AA178 SFO/JFK/Heathrow/Hamburg

2010-06-24T16:55:00.000-07:00

Aloha and halfway to the Big Apple. Once I land I have 55 minutes to wend my way through JFK airport to find my flight to London. I have no checked baggage so anticipate no issues on that end. Not bad for three week trip to Germany and Istanbul really, only a small backpack and a wheeled carry on. I will see my dearest friends in Germany that I knew in graduate school in Hawai'i. They live in Bremen, just outside of Hamburg. I land there about 1800 June 25, 2010, pick up a rental car and spend a week with them. I am very excited, great people and they have two incredible,beautiful children.

It will be interesting to see Germany again after so many years - forty to be exact. I left in 1968 and have only been back albeit briefly. It was only 20 years after the Second World War that I was there and the new enemy then were the Russians. We always seem to manufacture a new enemy to fit the times.

I am exhausted and my mind continuously goes to my mother. Dying of cancer, but not actively or else I would not be making this trip, I admire her so much and she is so brave. It is a choice and she is a great example for me and others. I established three numbers for her and others to call, a San Francisco Skype number, a European mobile number and my regular mobile number. I wrestled with this decision more than many tough calls I have had to make. Initially I was not going to go but my mom even asked me to please go after knowing that I will return instantly if she or my brother and his wife need me. The Doctors encouraged me, my workmates encourage me to so . . . so here I sit at 36,000 feet in total comfort. Only 1.5 hours of sleep in the last 36 hours so soon I will be passing out.

I look forward to what is to come on this trip but still, I miss my mother and I continue to hold her close.

Thanks for reading. Malama pono, a hui hou.

David, signing off from somewhere over America en route to Germany.

2010-06-21T18:04:00.000-07:00

My mother lies in the UCSF Emergency Department, dying too slowly by
her courageous estimate. I am reduced to tenacious advocate for pain
meds, imaging, admission, palliative care. But not death and alas, no
dominion over death, not I, not this time. I shall accept it but
begrudgingly initially. Till the woman who bore me embraces it and
death embraces her, it will be a trying journey beset on all
sides by the ravening dogs of war.

So I play many roles, ER Nurse Man, advocate but most of all I yearn
to be just her son and as she slips the surly bonds of earth I will
tend to her body and soul. I will clean, dress, feed, comfort, read to
and most of all love her as a son.

Thank you for reading.

David

2010-06-21T16:48:00.001-07:00

Istanbul

2010-06-17T19:47:00.001-07:00

I'm reading, Istanbul: The Collected Traveler. An Inspired Companion
Guide.

On page xxiic' I am interested in the opinions of people who want to
know (italics) Istanbul, not just see (italics) it.

That takes a lifetime but I'm going to give it a try for two weeks.

Cheers,

David McCullough

2010-06-16T17:50:00.001-07:00

Listening to NPR about the man Tom Debaggio (sp?) with Alzheimers and
my thoughts turn to my mother who is dying and my own fate. This is
not about me, not at all but I'm scaredcfor my mother and for myself
too. I'm alone albeit with a strong and loving network of friends. But
I have no family or children of my own and my heart fills with what
might have been. I'm still so lucky and blessed no matter what.

Aloha,

David

2010-06-15T21:37:00.000-07:00

I walked to the oceans edge tonight and yearning, reached for warmer environs.

Caught in the tug and tow of life and deaths endless pull. My mother
lies awake, her thoughts so fresh and full of youth but also of her
impending death.

I comfort her as well as I can but I fear for us and I long for
comfort too. Now, it is my turn on earth to give and in turn be given this
gift of life, then death with my mother who is loved so much.

David

Upcoming Journey to Germany and Turkey

2010-05-22T12:44:00.000-07:00

Aloha - June to July 2010 I will be journeying to Bremen, Germany for one week and then to Istanbul, Turkey for two weeks. I will be visiting close friends whom I knew in Hawai'i and then to Istanbul with friends. I wonder at the 'carbon cost' of all the flights and if in the end if there is a difference in if one chooses not to travel in that cost. But as it always does the world beckons and while I will not be working there I know that I will wish that I was. I detest tourism but I will be one at least for a bit. I'll try to stay away from the blatant tourist traps - my goals have always been to spend time with the people, to learn the culture, customs, food and politics but most of all to do my best to connect and return the welcome I am so often given.

Thanks for reading.

2010-05-19T19:38:00.001-07:00

So this is life,
my life, thus far as I sit in San Francisco rain and fog obscura.
Obscuring my heart.

In this uniquely American place,
In a proper French restaurant
Absolute knowing that I will never have Paris
And it's beautiful women I want so much.

The French in San Francisco
An American soul lost but anchored here for now
So I gaze on my streets
As I look with so much love at my mother so brave in her dying.

I am blessed in the knowing that I am where I must be.
And that someday . . . I will have Paris and it me, lost in a dream.

2010-05-04T08:50:00.000-07:00

Seaview Ridge Road on the top of Meyers Grade at 0645 this beautiful
morning.

2010-04-18T22:55:00.000-07:00

A perfect day and night contemplated as I sit here by my campfire outside my little old 1903 house on Seaview Ridge. Now referred to as Camp David by Paul and Anna - my brother and sister in law. So I contemplate my existence and mortality to make sense of it knowing my time left diminishes and I think of what is left undone, wanted, needed. Under these stars, while certainly beautiful, my sense of myself is that in the larger scheme of geologic time is my irrevelancy. The stars, planets and universes wheel around and through me. I send these protons, electrons and quarks throughout the universe and just maybe I trick myself into thinking that I matter. But I do not. One hundred years from now I will not be remembered and these words, if lucky, may be archived somewhere on some data collection in some salt mine some where on or off this planet. I want to have mattered but I am not sure that it is important except to my attachment to my ego. I have tried to do good while here and although
the way has not always been clear I have stuck with the path.

Late night thoughts after a long mountain bike ride along the San Andreas Earthquake fault and lakes created by them. A sun filled day, lucky to be alive and blessed to be with friends that love me, and I them.

Thanks for indulging me, for reading this.

David

Thoughts for a Peace Corps Volunteer Soon to Depart

2010-03-31T22:53:00.000-07:00

I received a request to speak with a new Peace Corps Volunteer who will soon depart to a South Pacific Country but they do not know where yet. Here is most of the text of my response . . . placed here because . . . well, you will see.

************
If I have the time and inclination I always love to talk about Peace Corps and my experience . . . albeit that was over 20 years ago which shocks the hell out of me every time I think about it.

I was in Fiji 1985-1987. It was tough but also one of the times of my life one never forgets. Simply staying the first six months was an accomplishment in and of itself. You will alternately hate and love it. It will change you forever, alter your outlook on the world and your soul, turn you into a different person, a better person and forever let you more easily adopt the outlook, feelings and perspective of the 'other' . . . whomever and however you conceive of what and who the 'other' is. You will be afforded the rare and valuable opportunity to be an outsider, first, upon your arrival to your adopted home and then perhaps even more importantly, upon your return to the United States. The reverse culture shock can be amazing and even more impacting upon your psyche in some ways than your initial culture shock entry.

I envy you this chance, this opportunity although I am very happy in most parts of my life. I once was married to a Fijian Nurse (divorced many years ago) but return to Fiji now and then to meet old friends, visit my ex in-laws, look for work and try to find meaning in how my heart and soul was captured by the people and culture I grew to love so much. I eventually completed a Masters in Community Psychology degree at the University of Hawai'i and my thesis was on Fijian Values. I lived in Hawai'i for almost ten years and after Fiji was really the only place I felt at home, at peace, comfortable in my own skin and that I belonged (despite being an outsider forever because I am a 'white boy from the suburbs!'). Yet I have been that way since I was born . . . my dad was an Air Force pilot and I lived all over the bloody place, Alaska, Florida, Iowa, Virginia, New Mexico, Germany. So my Peace Corps experience is an extension of my life and values with the emphasis on Peace and not the War Corps. Still though, even now I am an ER nurse and work at the San Francisco VA hospital. In my heart of hearts I yearn so to once again depart these storied shores not only to seek adventure but to be able to contribute and try, oh so hard to make a difference. You can in Peace Corps but the changes wrought upon you will be ever so much greater than those you can even dream to attempt to make in your host country and adopted home.

In rereading this sudden and unplanned outpouring (really!) I regret that I made this more about me but I guess I did it to show you the deep and lovely changes that Peace Corps allowed me to experience, the person that it helped me become. In my final words here and now as you read this I leave you with this brief story. I graduated UCLA in Political Science and then left for Peace Corps. When I asked my philosophy professor about doing it or not doing Peace Corps he said that I had nothing to lose, that I would look back in my life and ask myself if I would have been happy not knowing? You have already decided, made the leap, the commitment so the story may be somewhat irrelevant but I thought it worth repeating.

You are in for one of the adventures of a lifetime. Keep a blog, a journal, sights and sounds. Go, love, enjoy, work hard when you can but most of all, learn to let go and be comfortable with uncertainty, with not knowing what to do or how to do it. Learn to be a baby in your new culture. Be a 'hard driver' but not too hard. Learn to soak it all in. Learn to shut up, to be quiet, to observe, observe, observe. We Americans fill our heads with endless chatter, we have to sell and resell and package ourselves all the time. That may not work wherever you are going depending on your work and who you are with.

Sick of China's aging, paranoid and dangerous Leadership

2010-02-02T01:07:00.000-08:00

The United States is guilty of stupidity from Conservatives and Liberals alike but really . . .

Chinese Communist Party official Zhu Weiqun said there would be
"corresponding action" if the meeting went ahead.

This from the BBC. The Chinese leadership is stupid and ignorant if they think they can prevent the US from doing many things. They do not have that type of leverage yet . . . but perhaps in a hundred years. I can hardly wait - too bad I won't be around to see all the rednecks and conservatives have their precious America changed before their ignorant, fascist and exclusive eyes. Rant and rave I will.

Better yet, once again China emulates the emperors of old, be the Tang Dynasty and beyond by erecting the so called 'Great' Firewall and coming up with the 'Ghostnet' to maintain the stifling subjugation and enslavement of the Chinese Spirit. This same spirit of opression that murdered one of my best friend's brothers, shot in the back at Tianmen Square that fateful June day.

I am not a China watcher or expert. For that I recommend James Fallows who writes for the Atlantic Monthly. China will become a greater world power than the United States. We have spent our way into the greatest debt in history and there is nothing to respect about a country that has done that. A once bright shining beacon of hope (yeah, right) and possibility spent into oblivion of multiple wars and a conservative movement that just wants more of the same they got under Bush. Conservatives whose last best hope is Sarah Palin, god help us from the likes of this complete and dangerous idiot who I would personally lock up and starve that stupid wench till she was dead. She will kill ever more Americans with no health care and new wars to protect our right to buy whatever we want and screw the rest of the world.

I apologize for our behaviour to the rest of the world.

Getting help to Haiti

2010-01-21T23:17:00.000-08:00

Here is a list of organizations involved with helping Haiti. I have signed up with Interaction.org and CIDI.org in my own attempt to get over to Haiti. Finally I really know (besides just a feeling) that I have very solid skills to be able to help in the rapidly changing situation in Haiti.

http://www.interaction.org/crisis-list/earthquake-haiti

If you are looking to donate to an organization working in Haiti and other parts of the world check the link out.

What I am sick of is people who do not donate because they state that the money will not get to Haiti or be diverted. Most organization do not divert funds anymore - especially after the debacle the Red Cross faced after the World Trade Center was attacked on 9/11/2001. I heard someone say today they would rather 'give money to a bum on the street' then send money overseas. I wrote this idiot/jerk off right away as a know it all ignorant American.

Do something people, anything. I donated money to Partners in Health and the Red Cross. Now, I am trying to donate my skills and time. Lets hope I find a taker.

Thanks for reading,

David

Trying to get to Haiti after the Earthquake

2010-01-19T19:03:00.000-08:00

I have applied to at least three organization to go to Haiti and assist after the earthquake hit last week. I have Emergency Room experience (not to mention hospice, pediatrics and PTSD experience) and am a Firefighter/Rescue and EMS responder in a remote area. In short, I have many many skills, medical and otherwise that I can put to use. I have cross-cultural experience and generous amounts of cross-cultural experience.

It is frustrating but I hope in the next month that I am able to find a way to help even if it is for a short time.

2010-01-12T02:41:00.001-08:00

Aloha Mrs. Walsh upon leaving the planet at 0155. Malama pono, a hui
hou. Rest in peace, safe journeys, thanks for so much love and wow,
Morris is one of the greatest sons for you and my friend. Thank you
Mrs. Walsh, thank you. You are missed.

2010-01-12T01:19:00.000-08:00

I'm currently in Sacramento, California sitting with a friend of mine
whose mother is dying. Death is a reflection of life. A friend sent me
an article awhile ago and the title was something like . . . we are
born towards dying. Here is the link.

http://www.firstthings.com/onthesquare/2009/01/born-toward-dying

Very thoughtful. I'm not religious in any conventional sense. I like
to think I live an ethical life but then again so did Uncle Joe Stalin.

So I sit shiva with my friend. His mom closer to death then life but
comfortable, loved and pain free. The things we endure as humans! How
lucky I am and it is just enough to have clean water, food and
shelter, to not be hunted or tortured or have my land and business
surrounded by checkpoints and walls.

An honor to sit with my friend and his dying mum, his girlfriend and
simply be together in death and in life.

2010-01-02T17:07:00.000-08:00

Professor Tony Marsella, PhD Psychology and David McCullough, RN, MA
Psychology. Tony was my thesis advisor at the University of Hawai'i. I
had not seen him till today in over 10 years. His wit, intelligence
and empathetic understanding are writ large. I miss working with him.

2009-12-30T10:00:00.000-08:00

ER Warriors

So they come to us in pain and agony.
Shorn of their boyhood John Wayne dreams of glory, mud, battle.

These warriors, these few mighty warriors,
Reduced in their age but still to fight,
In their dreams,
their daily lives.

Pierced by hot velocity lead,
Claymores spit their scars of money for the profiteers of war
Who cloak themselves in the guise of patriotism and protection of the
motherland.

Yet no innocents these my fine young men. Killed or killing,
Died or dying,
They know the crack and thump and hiss of life and death and war.

These are my comrades,
Though I know not of war
But all too much of their pain.

David McCullough

Is aviation security mostly for show? - CNN.com

2009-12-30T09:24:00.001-08:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/OPINION/12/29/schneier.air.travel.security.theater/index.html

In the air at 38,000 feet over Memphis and found this great article
when reading a Twitter post from Tim O'Reilly of O'Reilly publishing.
Thoughtful and I found myself in agreement.

Happy New Year to all.

David

2009-12-26T21:51:00.003-08:00

Memory

2009-12-26T21:51:00.001-08:00

Visiting my brother, his wife and son this Christmas I chance upon my
grandfather's old brown leather bag holding all of his old marbles
from childhood. The grandfather I never knew, who, because of my
mother's historical memory editing, is far more perfect in death then
any of us are in life. Despite this, the old brown leather bag
inscribed with "The First National Bank, Bagley, Iowa" lures me in
with its promise of memory, the colored handmade jewels of childhood
spilling forth a sea of my own childhood memories in a rush of history
and longing for a never known grandfather murdered by the cigarette
corporations, longing for my father murdered in his own turn by the
same carnivorous bastards and so it goes.

So they spill upon the table for me to weigh in the palm of my beating
heart, listening to the whack of marbles, echoing. Suspended now in
time, those children's voices merge into our own.

I see the broken marbles, the ones who are whole, glass and ceramic.
Uneven in their magnificant beauty, they are the bearers of ancestral
memory and I hear the voices of who we were, are and will be. Cracked,
yet unbroken they were made for a time and country much less
interested in perfection then practicality. They betray themselves
with simplicity of purpose, in being rather than just appearences.

I long for family, family that never was, family that died too early
from corporate greed, and I long for the faint promise of what has
been and might be.

I roll the marbles.

David

2009-11-04T17:43:00.001-08:00

2009-10-07T20:51:00.000-07:00

I'll cease thinking
Just to remain in your orbit
To do what's feeling right
To watch and feel you
Slide through fantasy.

Oh yeah baby.
It's you I want
Ain't got no reservations
I love you baby.
Full speed!
No brakes!

You my fantasy baby
Knowin it's not real
I'll take shelter in your cove of delights.
The hell with life preservers
I'll throw it away
For a night with you.

Be gentle with me
But rough in your love
Oh yeah baby.
You the one I want.

2009-09-30T22:30:00.000-07:00

John Gibbs from Hawai'i one of my closest friends on the planet. At
the Russian River Jazz Festival, September 2009.

Upon the eve, this twas my thought

2009-09-25T22:31:00.000-07:00

I wish
that you would come to me tonight.
To make me forget
the harm and hurt and pain
of life's trespasses.

To wash me clean
in a spiritual paroxysm of your skin
gainst mine heart.

Tis this ideal
that no one alive shall nor can meet
nor I can hope for.

I need no saviour
but your touch, your skin, your mouth
your spirit
upon my heart.

Tread gently
I bite hard
cry at death
revel in the struuggle of blood , death,
anger.

I'll possess thee
but you shall consume me
in sex love passion consummation
of all that we dreamed and life gave unasked for.

You do not know me but we do…
late as it is
I think of you.…84 as you were
I'm in love with you
and much as tho you were kissing me in that secret place.

Oh yes my love.
You are not dead to me
each night I am with you
and a thousand years
is spent in your eyes, and arms and lips and thighs and mind.

And more and more and more till I am lost in you and me and us.

Written September 25, 2009.

2009-09-17T16:51:00.000-07:00

Ocean Beach reminding me of Hawai'i home looking across thousands of
miles. How I long and miss it and Fiji!

I'm listening to a Fijian musician named Saikiusa Bulicokocoko and it
carries me back. Nice to be alive to have those memories.

With recent visitors from Hawai'i and Fiji I find that familiar
tugging of my heart and mind for the warmth of the islands and people.

What is to be done when my heart is split in half? Whither shall I
wander?

David

Data Points

2009-08-26T11:30:00.000-07:00

We are nothing but streams of data,
analog in life,
digital in death.

I've come across your life,
in its digital glory.
Black and white
attempting dispassionate exclamation of loss and gain
the color of personality
drained and forbidden
in the realm of zeros and ones.

we thought we knew you
the color and smell and vividness
swirling round you.

then your data stream abruptly terminated,
your records, data, zeros and ones, a life
liberated, flushed, set free, erased.
Hard disk Full,
reformatted to live again.

David McCullough
August 26, 2009

Random Thoughts

2009-08-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

I have always wanted to be or at least somewhat fancied myself as an aspiring writer. However, the discipline required for constant output appears daunting to me much of the time. Even more important is whether or not one has anything important to say and then the skill to say it well. At least now (in comparison to the past) I have the experiences, knowledge and 'time under my belt' to actually have something to say.

I am not sure what prompts these musing this day. In part this is due to the sudden death of one of my coworkers. Not known well, he was patient, polite, very considerate and a good worker. I will miss him as will many of us in the Emergency Room. We see people die or heal every day but when one of our own goes it hurts more than usual and sadness pervades for a time.

I will be writing more often and I hope of value to at least someone besides this writer.

Thanks for reading,

David

California Budget Woes? Raise our Taxes

2009-07-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

I might be among the minority but since I am not holding elected office (and hence do not have to worry about being re - elected) I think that the California Legislature should raise taxes. For years we have listened to the drumbeat of the Republicans chanting big government, no new taxes, cut taxes and so on and so forth ad nauseum.

Yet Californian's and people in general, continue to expect the services they have become accustomed and in some cases feel entitled to. The populations continues to increase but the services decrease and public infrastructure continues to erode.

This is not justifiable. The business of government is the people, not as big brother but rather, in service TO the people. I do not advocate just blindly raising taxes but the careful implementation of taxes to serve the people.

This would include a public health care plan option in addition to private health care plans. It would include rebuilding the public infrastructure, making education the best in the nation and adequately funding police and fire companies.

Raise our taxes for if we are to survive we must do the right thing and be willing to pay.

Mum and son

2009-07-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

Mom and I just after I returned from a false alarm fire call at Fort
Ross.

Write my Heart

2009-06-15T16:44:00.000-07:00

It is in the sadness of the night
that I write my heart
to set down the clean, clear lines of my love for you.

although you my love, leave my love unrequited,
discarded upon the shores of your soul,
beached, waiting, hearing the hiss of tonal silence
in the water upon sand.

Wordlessly (for I long ago became speechless),
I sing my heart
to the stars of people's eyes
the stones in their hearts.

Yes.
I was blinded by you.

David McCullough
Sometime in late 2008

Untitled Plea

2009-06-02T14:53:00.000-07:00

I may not be able to write music for you.
I will write this poem and more upon your heart,
if only to hope they will find their way upon it,
and you to them,
to guide your song of love for me.

Love you once did know.
Fear of loss
whether I or another,
I want to comfort and tell you that love is not yours to lose,
but only to gain, to lose and gain again.

We encounter love upon our travels and travails,
only to hold and cherish while it takes up temporary residency in our heart,
unconcerned over which borders it violates,
love cannot be owned.

Love refuses to be bought,
while as ants upon their teeming home,
we seek to buy the impossible
love cannot be bought.

It will only be granted in full measure,
to those who know themselves,
and in that, can begin to know others.
Love may come to those who are true, honest and virtuous.

Nevertheless, while we think we know this in our mind,
it must be lived in our heart and soul and blood,
before and if it is to have true deep meaning.
To live love, hearts must be gently loved and hurt, love torn in half
and lives turned inside out.

Then, then we shall see what remains, Yes?
The true unconstrained pure hard fire of love, honesty, truth and virtue?
Or a shadow of what could be,
faint echoes restrained by a restless unknowing heart
wandering upon sandy storm beaten stones.

I have walked many such coves,
stumbled over such hardened stones and beaten my head upon them!
Across the world I have wandered,
in search of love and all its attendant pluralities,
and all along I had it in my hands.
I thought I could own it.

In the end.
It owned me.
Taught me what it is and is not.
Showed me for a fool to have thought at all.

David McCullough
Copyright June 2, 2009
Rewritten from a March, 2004 poem.

2009-05-20T18:27:00.000-07:00

Mountain bike ride - Pacifica Beach State Park. What an incredible
day, reminding me of Hawai'i Nei! Aloha.

2009-05-12T15:07:00.000-07:00

2009-05-08T11:12:00.001-07:00

Sunrise @ 0630.

Updates

2009-05-08T11:01:00.000-07:00

Aloha, a brief update - I am still living on the Ridge Ranch on the Eastern side of Salt Point State Park. I finally bought a 1994 Ford Ranger Pickup from my forester (who is a personal friend and I have great regard for so that is nice). Just in time, as my 1992 Volvo 740 Turbo wagon finally 'blew' the heater core all over the inside of the car - I had an inch and a half of coolant on the front and back floor. I bypassed the heater core and since I was very luckily in town was able to get to the auto parts store with help since I could not drive my car. So now it waits for a rebuilt engine and a new heater core.

I may be up for a part or full time job at the San Francisco VA in which case I may be down here more. I continue to look for housing on a boat in exchange for some maintenance or slight rent if combined with the maintenance.

Till I get my debt paid, the Volvo paid off and the house rehabbed and everything put away I don't plan on leaving the country. After that I will leave.

Summer waits, long days beckon and sometimes, joy abounds.

Thanks for reading,

David

2009-04-18T22:01:00.000-07:00

It is in the dark of night
by this warm fire
I look up.

These stars are endless I think,
like staring into the eyes of a lover.

I track a satellite
which I cannot see when I stare right at it,
but shifting my gaze to the side,
follow its path across heavens heart.

What will it take to track my love across the universe?
Must I avert my eyes from my heart to know where it leads?

Flames and wood crackle,
their own starry explosions of liberated carbon
floating above
warming my bones and toasty toes.

I'm not alone in this universe - that is a for sure statement.
So while I feel close to humanity in sharing our essential humanness,
I feel alone or lonely in this star filled night.

I wanted to be with a lover but this night,
too busy with her own life to think of me and what I need, want and desire.
Ha, I am so shallow a fellow of a man though . . .
I always think I know what I want yet in the end my action is louder
than the tears of lonely man's heart can ever be.

David McCullough
April 18, 2009

2009-04-10T14:35:00.000-07:00

This house is across the road from the house where I live. It is one of three houses on my family Ridge Ranch. It was built approximately in the 1860's, probably after the Civil war. This was estimated when the couple who live there moved in about 1972 and in the process removed newspapers that had been tacked to the walls for insulation. Some of the interior boards are old growth redwood more than 2 inches thick and almost two feet wide. Give the cost of Redwood these days . . . that is amazing.